"I know," he said. "It's not you. It's me and him. It's lots of things."
Leonard came back. He said to me: "I think I know why you came, Hap."
"I missed you."
“Besides that. We're going back to Grovetown, aren't we?"
"I've got to. I can't keep doing like I'm doing. I'm sleeping with a goddamn revolver, Leonard. You know me. Does that sound like me?"
"I sleep with a shotgun nearby
"But that sounds like you.”
Leonard studied my face for a moment, said, "I cry at night. I just break down crying. Does that sound like me?"
"Are vanilla cookies involved?" I said. "I can see you crying over cookies. By the way, Charlie ate the ones I keep at the house for you."
"That shit," Leonard said. "He was over here the other day, and I thought I smelled vanilla cookies on his breath. He said he'd just come from your place."
A little time floated by. Leonard said, "I get these dreams too. Mostly about that crowd of people, kickin' and hittin' on me."
"Me too," I said. "And some others."
"I wake up, I think I'm still there," Leonard said.
"I tell him to let it go," Raul said. "But he won't. I know he can't forget what happened, but he won't let go that he's done something wrong. I don't get it."
"I don't think I've done anything wrong," Leonard said. "I just don't like feeling like I'm feeling. It's like my guts have been ripped out. What's wrong is I can't just let it lay."
"It's over with," Raul said. "You did all you could. You've got this tough-guy image. It's out of date. We fags, we don't have to do that. It's not in our makeup."
"What's in my makeup is in my makeup," Leonard said. "I'm a man. I got balls. So do you. I like balls. I like your balls, but I'm still a man and I got to feel like a man. Maybe I'm some kind of anomaly or something. I don't know. I don't get it. But I like a man acts like a man without thinking it's being a bully. I can't explain it to him, Hap. Can you?"
"You know I can't," I said.
"Saying I'm too stupid to understand?" Raul said.
"No," I said. "It's just a way of living your life, and I personally don't know it's better than any other, it's just all we know."
"I don't get it," Raul said. "Why all this macho?"
"When I say act like a man," Leonard said, "I mean act honorably and with courage. Macho has been turned into a bad word by turds who act like beasts, not men."
"You acted with honor and courage," Raul said. "Look where it got you. There's nothing left for you to do. You're not cops. Or heroes. You're just a couple of fellas, and Lenny, you're my fella. I want to know you're here so I can hold you nights. Is that so wrong?"
"No," Leonard said. "But I got to go back. I turn my head now, every time someone looks tough or calls me nigger, or queer, I'm gonna turn my head. Get so I'll turn my head if I think a mechanic's bill's too high. I ain't no worm."
"I don't get it," Raul said. "Really, I don't."
"I know," Leonard said. "Sometimes, I think it's just me and Hap gets it. Maybe Charlie. And Hanson. Bless him."
"I want to go tomorrow," I said. "I don't want to plan way ahead. I want to do it quick."
"I'll be ready," Leonard said.
"We have plans for tomorrow," Raul said. He looked at me. "We had plans today."
"I'm sorry," I said.
"Don't say you're sorry, Hap," Leonard said. "Listen here, Raul. I'll make it up to you. But plans to go and do something, and me and Hap doing this, it's different. It's important. It's not just made-up shit."
"That's nice," Raul said.
"You know what I mean," Leonard said.
"No, I don't," Raul said.
"Yeah," Leonard said. "Guess you don't. Hap, come by and get me tomorrow morning."
"You go, and I'll leave for good," Raul said. "You got to decide if this stupid honor of yours—and him—are more important than me."
"It's got nothing to do with what's the most important," Leonard said.
"You go, I'll go, and this time I won't come back. I don't care they hurt you real bad, I won't come back. They kill you, I won't be there to see you buried. You go, I'm gone."
Leonard turned and studied Raul. I hated it when Leonard looked that way. It was damn scary, and considering the look was intensified by swelling, bruises, and stitches, well, I just didn't like it.
"All right," Leonard said. "I've known you for a short time, Raul. I like you. I like fuckin' you. I hate your taste in movies, TV, and books. You got good taste in men, and that's it. I might even love you, but I know I love Hap, and me and him ain't even fuckin', and if that isn't real love, I don't know what is."
"Very poetic," Raul said.
"I been living with who I am and what I believe longer than I've lived with you, much longer than you've ever given thought to who you are. You might be somebody deep down—"
"Leonard," I said.
"Shut up, Hap. You might be somebody deep down, Raul, but all you want to see in yourself and me and anyone else is surface. Me and Hap, we got history and we got connection. You can make of that what you want. And let me tell you somethin'. You hit the door this time, you damn well better not come back. I get killed, I wouldn't want you at my funeral. You're there, I'd want Hap to throw you out."
"He'll be dead too," Raul said. "You'll both be dead."
Raul got up and left the room. It was awfully quiet for about twenty seconds. Eventually, we could hear Raul moving about in the other room.
"What's that noise?" I asked.
"The ironing board. He gets upset, he sets it up, irons clothes."
We sat for another twenty seconds or so. The clock in the kitchen ticked loudly. The ironing board squeaked louder and louder. Leonard said, "Think maybe we could have a double funeral, and Charlie could throw him out?"
"Sorry, man. I think he'll get over it."
"He will or he won't, but you don't be sorry, Hap."
I got up. I pulled on my coat. "This is going to sound funny, Leonard. But is everything okay between us?"
"It always has been."
"I'll see you tomorrow."
"Bright and early," Leonard said.
Chapter 27
Next morning, on the way to Leonard's, I tried to remember the first time I'd seen Florida, tried to figure if I was still in love with her, or just had my feelings hurt because she chose Hanson over me. Had I lost a love or a battle? Both?
Was I searching for her by going back to Grovetown, or searching for something of myself ? Both?
I just loved it when I got all Zen and shit.
I pulled up in Leonard's drive, got out in the rain and went to the door. He opened it before I could knock. He had a twelve-gauge shotgun with him, a backpack and a sleeping bag bound up in a waterproof wrapper.
"Good to see you still got a bazooka left," I said.
"I got another one in the house, and a handgun in my coat pocket, you want it."
"I brought my snub-nose. I don't like that I brought it, but I did. I get away from it too long these days, it's like I left my dick in the other room."
"You see, your manhood is tied up in your weapons, Hap. The revolver is a phallic symbol for your repressed manhood. Your impotence."
"For the first time in my life, I believe that.”
We loaded his stuff in the back of the pickup. I had my stuff there too and had fixed a tarp over it to keep out the rain. By the time we had Leonard's stuff under there, we were both soaked.
Leonard slid his shotgun into the gun rack above the seat; a baseball bat already resided in the top slot. It was a bat I'd taken off a thug once who thought he was going to break my knees, but he forgot to quit talking before he started hitting, so I'd taken it away from him, broken his nose, and kept the bat. I usually kept it in the house, but I was glad to have it now. It made me feel slightly more comfortable. Leonard's shotgun added to the comfort, as did the snub-nose in the glove box and the truck's heater.
I backed out and we started up the street. I said, "Raul all right?"
"Well, we didn't sing 'The Sound of Music' together in the shower this morning, so I don't think we're all that rosy. We've really done that, you know?"