It’s important for partners to be able to discuss their feelings openly, feel safe, and trust one another. The person receiving anal penetration can feel especially vulnerable, both physically and emotionally, and the partner giving anal pleasure must respect the receiver’s wishes, needs, and limits. The giver may fear that she or he will hurt the receiving partner and needs to be reassured that everyone is dedicated to making it not hurt.
Again, communication and ground rules can help alleviate tension and reassure both people that it will be a pain-free, safe experience.
I love feeling arms and legs around me, totally enveloped, while someone I love and trust is in my ass and playing with my clit and licking my ear. It’s like feeling safe and loved but vulnerable and sexy all at the same time. I can’t imagine doing it with someone I didn’t trust deeply and feel strongly about. It seems more intimate than vaginal sex.
The intimacy, intensity, and ecstasy of anal pleasure can sometimes be overwhelming, but it can also be very special and extremely satisfying.
The person I’ve “given” to had never given or received ever before herself… It was new and exciting for her, and it showed that she trusted me and cared about me enough to try it… She knew it was something I enjoyed, and she let me share it with her.
4 • TOOLS OF THE TRADE
There are plenty of toys and other tools you can use to enhance anal pleasure. Many products are designed and marketed especially for anal sex, and others used for vaginal stimulation and penetration can also be used anally (see figure 4). When choosing a toy, you should decide on what sensation you’d like to experience: Do you want something in your ass for a “full” feeling? Do you want in-out fucking similar to vaginal intercourse? Do you want what’s in your ass to move or vibrate? As a general rule, all the toys discussed in this chapter should be used with lubricant and latex, which is why these are the two tools covered first. In addition to patience, relaxation, and trust, latex and lube are the most important ingredients for making anal play safe and pleasurable.
Latex
Whether it’s a tongue, a finger, a penis, or a dildo, slipping it into its own little latex outfit is always a good idea prior to an anal journey; latex makes anal sex both safer and more pleasurable. Even though too many popular safer sex guidelines for women focus only on vaginal contact, the standards for safer vaginal sex also apply to safer anal sex. If you’re going to have oral-anal contact, a square piece of latex called a dental dam or a condom cut lengthwise provides a safe barrier between partners. A tip to make rimming with latex more pleasurable: use a dab of lubricant on the side facing the anus for added sensitivity.
Remember that anal and rectal tissue is very delicate and much easier to irritate and abrade than the tissue of the vaginal walls. For finger-anus penetration, the penetrator should wear either a finger cot or a latex glove and use plenty of lubricant; a stray jagged nail not properly trimmed and filed can do more damage in an anus than you might think.
Some people like to wear butt plugs under their clothing throughout the day. We’ve certainly sold our share of plugs to customers who immediately take their new purchase off to the bathroom to pop it in place. Keep this possibility in mind next time an intimidating highway patrolman pulls you over—perhaps he’s sitting on something that throbs even harder than his motorcycle.
As in vaginal intercourse, condoms are key to preventing the transmission of STDs and HIV during anal intercourse. Although anal sex involving a penis won’t lead to pregnancy, it is much easier to transmit a sexually transmitted disease, especially HIV, during penis-anus intercourse, because tears in rectal tissue give semen (and whatever the semen may be carrying) direct access to the bloodstream.
Recently, a condom for women called the Reality™ Female Condom has become available (see figure 5). Marketed primarily for vaginal intercourse, the female condom is a tube of polyurethane closed at one end and open at the other, like a larger version of the male condom. Although some women find them cumbersome, others say it gives them a sense of control and responsibility in the practice of safer sex.
The female condom can also be used for anal intercourse, and, in fact, it offers more protection because it lines the anal cavity, covering the penis and the outer area of the anus. Some people also use the female condom for anal-oral contact, although its effectiveness for analingus has not been scientifically tested or proven. You should not use it for anal fisting. The female condom can be slipped into the anus any time before penetration.
Before insertion, lubricate the outside of the condom, and make sure that the lubrication is evenly spread by rubbing the sides of the pouch together. To insert it, squeeze the sheath, and, starting with the inner ring, slip it into the anus. Make sure that the inner ring is at the closed end of the pouch. Once it is inside, push it the rest of the way with your finger past the sphincter muscles. About an inch of the condom should hang outside the anus, so the outer ring doesn’t slip inside during the action.
During penetration, the condom may move around, either side to side or up and down. This is normal. However, if your partner’s penis or dildo is long or thrusts deeply, the condom could slip all the way into the anus. If your partner withdraws completely in between thrusts, she or he could slip back inside your anus—but outside the protection of the condom. If it does, stop and adjust it. Like everything else, using the female condom takes practice and patience. To take the condom out, squeeze and twist the outer ring (to keep fluid inside the pouch) and pull it out slowly and gently. Don’t flush the Reality™ Female Condom in the toilet—throw it away.[32]
Latex in combination with a lubricant makes penetration smoother and easier for both partners, especially for the person on the receiving end of penetration; of course, the smoother things go, the more pleasurable the experience is for both partners. And, for the person on the giving end who may be squeamish about running into some fecal matter while inside her or his partner’s rectum, dental dams and condoms provide a good barrier.
Putting a latex glove on your hand and a condom on whatever tools you play with also keeps your hand and tools clean. You should never, ever put anything in the vagina that has been in the anus without thoroughly washing and disinfecting it first. Transferring rectal bacteria into the vagina can lead to yeast infections, urinary tract infections, and other ailments that will put a halt to your sex life. Just don’t go there.
If you’re likely to want to use the same hand or tool in both the vagina and the anus, or your anus and then your partner’s, you can avoid a lot of running to the bathroom to wash up each time you want to switch gears by using a new glove or condom each time you switch orifices or activities. Some people like to practice “double-gloving,” wearing two gloves; when they are finished with one orifice, they can simply peel off the top glove to reveal a fresh one underneath for the next orifice with no break in the action.
31
Cathy Winks and Anne Semans, The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1997), 163.
32
1. For more information on the Reality™ Female Condom, see the Northwest AIDS Foundation brochure reprinted on the Society for Human Sexuality Web site (see Resources for Web address).