Some people like to take a shower or bath before sex to clean the anal area. I know a warm, soapy shower reassures me that my ass is clean for my partner’s tongue, fingers, penis, or toys and makes me less self-conscious about having anal sex. You may also want to have an enema, although enemas are not necessary for having safe, fun, and relatively clean anal sex. (Read more about enemas in chapter 5.)
Relaxation
It is so important for both partners to be relaxed in order to have healthy, sensuous anal sex. Remember that you can relax all the muscle groups in the anal area, and when they’re not relaxed, anal sex—in fact, any anal activity, including a bowel movement—can be uncomfortable, if not downright painful. Fear, stress, and tension can all be felt intensely in your ass. When your mind and body are relaxed, focused on pleasure, and ready to experience anal eroticism, the encounter will be that much more satisfying. I recommend a lot of touching, caressing, massaging, kissing, and sweet-talking leading up to anal sex. Get rid of all external distractions and set the stage: shut off the ringer on the phone, put on some sexy music, light some candles, make the bed with special sheets, wear something sexy. Do whatever it takes to put you and your partner in the mood. Then take your time. I find that extensive touching of the entire body, touching that’s not necessarily sexual or genitally focused, is a great way to relax both body and mind and really prepares you to hone in on all your senses. A warm bubble bath is also a good way to relax the body, get in the mood, and get your bottom nice and clean for that special someone.
Safety First
Let me define some of the terms I will use throughout this book in discussing safer sex:
You may be monogamous with your partner. You have committed to be each other’s sole sexual partner. You’ve been tested for HIV and STDs, and you do not necessarily use latex barriers or follow safer sex guidelines.
Or, you may be in a fluid-bonded, nonmonogamous relationship. You have committed to practice safer sex with any sexual contacts other than your partner. You’ve been tested for HIV and STDs. When you have sex with each other, you do not normally use latex barriers or condoms, and you do come into contact with each other’s bodily fluids. When you have sex with others, you always practice safer sex.
You may be nonmonogamous. You may have multiple partners with whom you may (or may not) enter into relationships. Regardless of whether you have one partner or many, if you have not been tested recently for all STDs, do not know your partners’ sexual histories and practices and your partners’ partners’ sexual histories and practices, do not know your HIV status, or do not know your partners’ HIV status, you should follow safer sex guidelines designed to prevent transmission of HIV and other diseases.
Naturally, if you have an STD or HIV, you will want to follow safer sex guidelines at all times.
Unless you are monogamous or fluid-bonded, your sexual repertoire should involve safer sex practices to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and HIV/AIDS—anal sex is no exception to this rule. In fact, because of the delicacy of anal and rectal tissue, bodily fluids infected with HIV and other viruses are transmitted and absorbed easily and quickly into the bloodstream through the mucous membrane of the rectum. Thus, unprotected anal intercourse can be more risky for both partners than unprotected vaginal intercourse.
For those of you in monogamous or fluid-bonded relationships, The American Medical Women’s Association recommends that before safer sex precautions are discontinued, both you and your partner be tested for HIV three to six months after either of you has had sexual contact with another partner.[20] If you and your partner are monogamous or fluid-bonded and have both tested negative for all STDs and HIV, you can still utilize safer sex practices for anal sex. As you’ll read in chapter 4, latex barriers and lubricants help prevent not only the spread of STDs and HIV but also the spread of bacteria from the bowels. In general, latex and lubricants make anal play easier in lots of different ways.
If you are nonmonogamous or do not know your HIV or STD status (or your partner’s) you should practice safer sex, using condoms and latex gloves for anal sex—and for all sexual activities in which you may come into contact with your partner’s bodily fluids—to prevent the transmission of STDs and HIV.
Nonoxynol-9, which is found in some lubricants and some lubricated condoms, is a chemical proven to kill HIV (the virus that causes AIDS) and other STD viruses in laboratory tests. Although it is widely recommended that nonoxynol-9 be used during vaginal intercourse, many women find that they are allergic to nonoxynol-9; it irritates their vaginas and causes vaginal infections. There are differing opinions about its use for anal intercourse.
There is not enough research on the effects of nonoxynol-9 on rectal tissue or for anal sex, and my research illustrates the multiple opinions about it.
The Women’s HIV Source Book and The American Medical Women’s Association Guide to Sexuality recommend that you always use nonoxynol-9 for intercourse; however, neither book indicates any specifics for vaginal versus anal penetration.[21] The Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex does advocate the use of nonoxynol-9 in anal intercourse and has no discussion of possible risks or side effects!
The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex as well as a supervisor I interviewed at San Francisco Sex Information both recommend that you not use nonoxynol-9 for anal intercourse because of the delicacy of the rectal tissue.[22] These sources agree with the many people who believe that nonoxynol-9 may be too harsh and irritating for the delicate tissue of the anal canal and rectum. Because it’s likely to irritate or traumatize the rectal tissue, it may actually make transmission of HIV faster and easier, providing the virus with an accessible route to the bloodstream.[23]
If you are using your fingers or a sex toy for penetration and make sure to use a new glove or condom each time, using a lubricant without nonoxynol-9 is pretty safe. If, however, your partner is a man and you want him to penetrate you with his penis, I recommend using a condom and plenty of lube and having your partner withdraw before ejaculation. That way, if the condom breaks or leaks and you don’t have nonoxynol-9 as a backup, semen (which could be infected) will be outside your body instead of inside your delicate rectum.[24] The Complete Guide to Safer Sex from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality offers another tip:
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5. Roselyn Payne Epps and Susan Cobb Stewart, eds.,
21
6. Patricia Kloser and Jane MacLean Craig,
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8. Phone interview with
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9. Paul Harding Douglas and Laura Pinsky,