It will feel okay, but I’ll never want to do it again.
I want to work my way up to one finger, then stop.
Let’s try just external stimulation, nothing inside.
I’d like licking and touching, but no penetration.
I want to be able to have the small dildo in my butt.
We’ve done fingers a dozen times, tonight I want your cock.
I want everything to feel safe.
What have your previous experiences been with anal eroticism? Share them, discuss them. Why do you want to explore anal sensuality?
I want to explore something new with my partner.
I’m curious about what it feels like.
I’ve done it before and want to do it again.
You want to do it and I don’t want to say no to you.
I want to feel closer to my lover.
It’s something special I want to share with my partner.
I saw it in a porn movie, it turned me on, and I want to try it.
It’s always been a fantasy of mine.
Fantasies can be incredibly powerful forces in our lives, erotic and otherwise. Many people fantasize about erotic activities like anal sex but are afraid to vocalize their desires. The myths and misinformation about anal sex contribute to the silence and sometimes prevent us from satisfying our curiosities. Sharing our sexual fantasies with a partner can deepen a sexual relationship and help us communicate our needs and desires.
It is equally important to distinguish our fantasies from our realities. If your favorite masturbatory fantasy involves someone ramming your butt repeatedly with a swollen silicone dick that makes you come every time, don’t be surprised if you don’t get the same result when you try it out. There are some fantasies that we can share and help bring to life and others that should probably remain fantasies. Have realistic expectations for yourself and know the limits of your own body, especially when it comes to anal sex. One finger in your anus and a whisper in your ear about that big dick might just do the trick.
During the experience, talk to each other, find out what feels good and what doesn’t, what’s working and what’s not.
How does this feel?
Would you like more or less movement?
Do you want me to play with your pussy while I’m doing your ass?
How is this position?
That feels great—keep doing it.
I love doing this to you.
Do you want another finger now?
I want you to lick my ass.
Afterward, have a little debriefing session to review how it went and get feedback you can use for next time. Remind each other about goals you set. Did I go too fast, did I use enough lube? Was there enough in-and-out movement, or do you want more of just that pressure feeling? What did you like about my fingers versus the butt plug? Is there something I can do differently next time? Do you want more genital stimulation while I’m playing with your butt? Compliments always feel good—criticism does not. Be generous when you communicate with your partner. If you want to tell her or him about something you didn’t like, why not start that conversation with something you did like? But make sure you do talk about what wasn’t pleasurable as well as what was pleasurable. Communication at all phases of an anal sex experience will ultimately help both partners to articulate their needs, and, ideally, help everyone get what they want out of anal sex.
Patience
Patience is crucial. Everyone must go at their own pace for anal sex to be pleasurable. When both partners are patient, it’s much easier for both, especially the receptive partner, to relax. Anal sex is also a gradual process of exploration. Unlike in those hot anal sex porn videos some of us love to watch, you really can’t jump right from kissing to having a hard cock—flesh or silicone—in your ass. Remember, those are professional actors in the videos. Keep in mind that they have had extensive experience with anal penetration, and they, too, start with a few fingers or a small butt plug before that dick just slides right in. Even in amateur videos, as well as in the more professional ones, the actors’ preparation is happening off camera or ends up on the editor’s cutting room floor. In real life and real time, we progress to anal penetration. Anal sex is not a choice activity for a night when you just want a quickie, or someone has somewhere to be. If you are nervous, anxious, or stressed out about anal sex, sex in general, or the presentation you’re giving tomorrow at work, it’s probably not the best time to experience anal eroticism.
Presence
Speaking of communication and patience, it’s best to be sober if you’re going to engage in anal play—although I’m not going to preach about it or deny that people combine alcohol and drugs and pleasurable anal sex.
Many people find that drugs, especially volatile nitrites (“poppers”) help them relax during anal intercourse. Inhaling volatile nitrites, such as amyl-nitrite and isobutyl, causes your blood vessels to dilate and your blood pressure to drop and gives you a “rush” feeling as your body tries to stabilize itself.
I believe that with proper relaxation, communication, trust, and desire, people can experience pleasurable anal intercourse without drugs; ultimately, alcohol and drugs of any kind alter your awareness of your body, an awareness you absolutely must have to enjoy anal sex. People are more likely to ignore their anal boundaries—both physical and mental—if their judgment is impaired by alcohol and drugs. Anal sex requires both partners to have patience, skill, good communication, and coordination. The insertive partner needs to be keenly aware, intuitive, and able to read her or his partner’s body language and nonverbal cues. The receiver needs to be in touch with his or her body to know what feels good and what doesn’t. I believe that all this is more easily achieved when both people are sober.
THEIR PENISES MOVED IN UNISON INSIDE ME. I could clearly feel them both, their tips meeting, brushing each other through what felt like a flimsy membrane, a thin wall of skin which was in danger at every thrust, and was becoming more and more fragile. They’re going to tear me, I thought, they’re going to tear me and then they really will meet, one against the other.
I repeated it to myself. I liked hearing myself say it.
They’re going to tear me. What a delicious idea…
Trust and Power
I like the sense that I’m breaking and entering, overtaking and existing inside someone else’s body.
A sexual interaction like anal sex, in which one person gives their body over to another, can raise deep issues of power and trust. The power dynamics can be especially magnified during anal sex because it is such a forbidden act and because of the physical delicacy of the anus and rectum. Anal sex can be very charged, intense, and emotionaclass="underline"
I like the full-up feeling, sometimes, which I get both from being fucked and being fingered while my vagina is also being entered and my clit is being played with. Sometimes I want intercourse to… feel overwhelming, and anal intercourse feels like this. I associate receiving anal sex with submission, but also with toughness, being able to take it.
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Almudena Grandes,