Head Etiquette
I hate it when guys are silent while I’m blowing them. I want to hear dirty talk! I don’t want him to be passive.
Fellatio is really hot when both partners are actively involved. Sure, it’s nice to lie back, enjoy, and relax, but there are a few things you can—and should—do to make your lover feel included and appreciated, and to help allay any fears a reluctant partner might have. Consider for a moment what your partner is encountering when they go down on you. They’re going to be up close to your genitals and in a position that may feel vulnerable or even physically uncomfortable. They will be taking in a whole lot of sensory information, such as sights, sounds and—oh yes—smells, in addition to wanting to accommodate your needs, while staying comfortable in what can sometimes be cramp-inducing positions.
Before you begin, if you have the slightest inkling that you may be about to have an oral escapade, take a minute to visually inspect your genitals, and run your hands, a hairbrush, or a comb through your pubic hair to remove any strays. Taking a shower before may not be possible (unless that’s part of your evening’s erotic agenda), but for squeamish partners a shower or bath might be a prerequisite. If you know you really need a shower, gently let your partner know, and they’ll likely be thrilled that you care about their comfort and desire enough to be aware of their experience.
Whether to spit or swallow semen is an issue that goes through the mind of everyone who goes down on a man. Some don’t mind it and feel quite neutral about the topic; others enjoy the taste of a man and love to swallow. In equal measure there are people who find the concept distasteful, and for a variety of reasons: the taste, the texture, their comfort level with fellatio, their comfort with a particular person, or simply their comfort around bodily fluids in general. For some it is an act of devotion, while others don’t think twice about it. It is extremely good etiquette to find out how your partner feels about you ejaculating in their mouth. If your sweetie is unsure about swallowing, let them know that you will tap their shoulder (or establish some other signal) when you are close to orgasm, so they may decide what they want to do when you ejaculate.
Fellatio as a sex act has a power dynamic implied, whether you intend it to or not. Many people see the person giving head as submissive, and the person getting head as the powerful one, the one in control. This perception comes from a number of different sources; gender stereotypes, the pure physical interpretation of the act, media portrayal of fellatio, and the fact that it is a sex act that can be forced on an unwilling partner. In established relationships (or carefully negotiated ones), there is a level of trust and communication that addresses this issue—but for a significant number of people, the power implications involved in fellatio are always present in the back of their mind. Some people feel downright uncomfortable about the surrender they feel is implicit in giving head, and they can have such powerful feelings about it that they might not want to do it at all. These feelings are especially sharp for abuse survivors.
Unless you have clearly negotiated a power-exchange dynamic, be patient and let your partner go at their own pace. Thrusting into their mouth, or grabbing their hair or the sides of their head, will freak out anyone who already feels uncomfortable about fellatio. Sometimes the feeling of being forced—even a little—can trigger strong negative emotions. You may discover that your partner enjoys this, but you must find out explicitly beforehand.
Be fully present and aware of your partner’s reactions. If they gag, back off and let them take the lead. Muscle fatigue may make their tongue and mouth sore—actions of the tongue and neck require a lot of energy. It might seem frustrating to have them switch to using their hands when you are close to coming, but it’s a natural part of the sex play cycle, and a momentary switch in activities or a change in position will make your orgasm all the sweeter.
Staying Safe and Getting Off
Some people think that receiving oral sex is a passive act—you just sit back and enjoy the pleasure—but it’s really not. Sure, you could lie back, close your eyes, and transport yourself to a fantasy realm (nothing wrong with that), but even when you’re “checked out,” you still are participating as one half of a two-person sex act. It’s important to keep this in mind and to have already thought about a couple of things before you engage in fellatio.
Begin by concerning yourself with safety—the safety of both yourself and your partner from sexually transmitted infections and viruses, in addition to the emotional safety of both people involved. Though in chapter 4, “Know the Hard Facts: Health Considerations,” I go into detail about safer sex during fellatio, you should know that fellatio, when performed to ejaculation, is considered an activity that puts both parties at moderate risk. Fellatio without ejaculation is in the low-risk category, though it’s possible that you could pick up a virus if your partner has cuts or sores in their mouth.
One way to approach safer sex is to think about it as a process of trying your best to make informed choices about sex. Just as with any potentially risky act—a risky move on the freeway, giving your phone number to someone you just met—making an informed decision about sex acts requires that we know the risks we are taking when we choose to do these things.
The fact of the matter is that if you are unprotected, you are at risk for sexually transmitted diseases. If your partner has mouth sores or tiny cuts from having recently brushed or flossed their teeth, then the risk is increased—for both of you. If your partner has a viral STD such as herpes, or HPV, you can be infected by receiving a blow job without a condom. (There is a small chance you could be infected with hepatitis C this way, too.) And if you have an STD, such as HPV, hepatitis C, or HIV, you can infect your partner through unprotected fellatio. It is essential to use protection—latex or nonlatex condoms—if either of you has a viral STD. But be sure that you don’t use animal-skin condoms, such as lambskin, for safer-sex protection of any kind; they won’t keep you safe.
Similarly, bacterial STDs, such as chlamydia and syphilis, can be transmitted through unprotected fellatio. Both the person giving fellatio and the person receiving are at risk, though the risk level is very low. If one of you has a bacterial infection, such as chlamydia, it’s a good idea to use barriers until you’ve completed treatment.
Some STDs can remain dormant for as long as a few years, so it’s possible to give someone something you didn’t even know you had. Add to all this the fact that conventional medical wisdom on safer sex and transmission of viruses and bacteria is subject to change, and can change often. Whenever in doubt, check with your doctor and keep abreast of new information by keeping up with the Centers for Disease Control, who conveniently have an STD section on their Web site, updated whenever there is new information (see chapter 13, “Resources,” for contact information).
CHAPTER 4
Know the Hard Facts: Health Considerations
The human body is a complex container for water, salt, sinews, bones, brains, feelings, dreams. The many things we can do with it are astounding: making buildings, babies, ideas, orgasms. The body itself is a fortress against intruders; white blood cells, helpful bacteria, and acids—nature’s polymorphous armies—can combat the common cold, keeping our delicate system in balance. And yet, when compromised, our own helpful tools can be turned against us and we suddenly become the perfect host to bugs, germs, diseases, and infections. In the realm of sex, becoming a good host means anything from engaging in unprotected sex to weakening yourself with illness and uninformed lube and toy practices, all the way to being a careless (or unknowing) carrier of unfriendly bugs.