If you’re reluctant to try fellatio, or you feel bad when you do it, examine where these feelings are coming from. Sexual shame is a learned behavior, and if we want to, we can unlearn negative attitudes about sex. Are you worried that he’ll have less respect for you if you give him head? Worried that you’ll respect yourself less? Ask yourself why you feel this way about your lover, yourself, and fellatio. If he’s the type of person who treats you negatively after fellatio, then he’s certainly going to treat you negatively in all other aspects of intimate contact, and you should ask yourself some tough questions about your relationship.
If your feelings are directed inward, or if you have an imaginary gallery of judges in your head, ask yourself how realistic you’re being about your feelings and where they stem from. Are you being too hard on yourself? Do you really want to be with this person? What do you think is going to change after you go down on a man? Who taught you to feel this way about fellatio, and does it make sense to you? These questions are not easy to answer. But if you are ashamed about a sex act that you’d like to try, you’ll feel better and enjoy yourself more if you understand why you’re feeling the way you are.
If you’re working on your level of comfort with fellatio, you can put a few things into practice to help you along. Reading this book and finding concrete answers to your questions is a great place to start. There are exercises in these pages that you’ll want to try, such as practicing on a dildo so you can get used to fellatio’s physical sensations. Talking to your lover is another way to establish comfort, and you can voice concerns you might have, such as worries about gagging, or let him know if you don’t want him to come in your mouth or put his hands on your head. You can also try situations or positions that will address your concerns: giving a blow job in the shower will ensure cleanliness, having him lie flat on his back will give you the most control. Whether or not he ejaculates in your mouth is up to you, and you can address this in different ways. Should you decide that you’d rather he didn’t, you can discuss a signal he can give you before he’s going to come (for instance, giving you a tap on the shoulder), and you can have him come elsewhere. Techniques for this are presented in chapter 7, “Giving Head.”
She has long, deep red hair that’s slightly wavy and very thick. Fantastic to run my fingers through during sex and especially during a blow job.
I hate even thinking about having a guy hold my head when I suck him. I tried it once and it felt like I was going to suffocate!
High on the list of givers’ concerns about fellatio is the notion of controclass="underline" giving head can sometimes make you feel vulnerable, as if the person you’re performing the act on has more power than you. In this scenario the fear is of being pushed too far, beyond your own boundaries, for someone else’s sexual satisfaction. You might be afraid that he’s going to thrust uncontrollably into your mouth, or grab your head and hold you down. Be up front with him about where you stand with having your head touched before his pants are unzipped. If you don’t get this chance, but decide to go down anyway, decide that if he touches your head you’re just going to stop what you’re doing, move his hands to his own body, then proceed. He should get the message. For techniques and positions that can help you counter the movements of a man who thrusts uncontrollably, see chapter 8, “Any Way You Want It.”
When I had less experience with blow jobs I worried about whether he was clean or not. I was always worried that he’d smell like pee or something, and it really freaked me out. Now I’ve done it several times, and it’s never as gross as I thought it might be.
Perhaps you’re not as worried about whether it’s a dirty thing to do as you are about whether he’s the dirty one—literally. Growing up, we’re all taught that sex organs are dirty, and it’s hard to shake this view as we become adults. Because we tend to see genitals as unclean, the idea of putting a penis in your mouth may make you think twice. If you find yourself feeling this way, get the facts on male anatomy and physiology in chapter 2, “The Anatomy of a Man’s Pleasure,” before you go any further. If you’re with a new partner and are worried about sexually transmitted diseases, read about what fellatio can put you at risk for in chapter 4, “Know the Hard Facts: Health Considerations.” But if you’re already aware of the facts and still feel reluctant, try catching him after he takes a shower, or try taking a seductive bath together before fellatio; this way you’ll know he’s squeaky clean.
I was pretty scared the first time I went down on a guy, but it turned out fine. We were in the bathtub, and when he came I hardly noticed because everything was already wet.
If you have concerns about safer sex, cleanliness, or other health issues, your concerns are covered in later chapters. Get the facts about what you need to know, and then you can make an informed decision based on your own comfort level. He may have a few concerns of his own, especially if he’s never tried it before (or tried it with you), so feel free to point him to chapters of this book to allay fears, dispel myths, or simply answer any questions he might have.
Talk About It
If you’re chomping on the bit to give your lover some oral sex that will feel genuinely pleasurable, you want to go down and he’s reluctant to let you, or you want to change something about fellatio in your sex life, then talking about it will give you a starting point. Not every man in the world has had a blow job, so it’s possible that you’re reading this book wanting to give or get head for the first time. Also, some men who have received fellatio have not enjoyed it, and telling your partner what you like or dislike, or asking him what stimulation he enjoys, can seem daunting. It’s also possible that you’re reading this from the perspective of wanting to give or receive strap-on fellatio, but need a way to introduce the act to your existing partnership.
Talking to your partner about sex can feel stressful. In fact, even thinking about talking about sex is stressful sometimes! If you’ve never brought up the subject of sex with your partner, don’t worry. Telling your partner that you want something in your sex life to change is scary if you have a routine. Opening yourself up and asking for something you want sexually takes courage, strategy, and a little forethought about why your partner might be reluctant. Just keep in mind that in all matters of sex, it will only happen if someone is brave enough to say, “I want to…”
If you’re planning to introduce a new erotic behavior, such as fellatio or strap-on cocksucking, or want to change the way you have oral sex together, you’re probably wondering how your partner will react. When you don’t normally talk about sex in your relationship and one of you suddenly starts to, it can seem upsetting at first. Your lover may wonder if you’ve had sexual secrets all along. But it’s very likely that your opening up the can of worms will give them the opportunity to tell you what’s on their mind about sex, too.
Before you begin, think about how you might bring up the subject in a way that would feel safe for you: Would you feel more comfortable renting a mainstream movie with an oral sex scene in it, and commenting on the scene (some possibilities are Two Guys and a Girl, Pretty Woman, Boogie Nights, or Body of Evidence)? Or do you think you’d feel okay asking your sweetie what he thinks of fellatio while you’re entwined in an intimate cuddle? Try giving him a collection of erotic stories as a gift, or read aloud a story that contains a fellatio scene that’s to your liking (see the book recommendations in chapter 12, “Independent Study”). Another technique you can try is telling him you want to confess a fantasy—a sexual fantasy—and that he isn’t to reply right away. Tell him that you can have a conversation about it later; this gives both parties time to feel safe about the exchange.