Gender Play
Just as tipping the scales of power can be fun with fellatio, so can playing around with the boundaries of gender. I like to think of what we’ve got when we’re born (in terms of gender) as the medium we have to work with; however we want to bend it to our pleasure and to fit our fantasies is all part of the fun of sex and sexual fantasy. Having or even acting out opposite-gender fantasies can be titillating as all get-out, but these fantasies don’t change our identity. If it turns you on, it’s a great way to get off, but it doesn’t mean that you’re a different person or that you don’t like who you are—actually, it’s a signifier that you’re very secure with who you are, so secure that you can articulate your fantasies and desires.
Gender play can also be used to help flesh out emerging identities. Someone who knows that they are transgender might find that gender play in sex reinforces who they really feel themselves to be, whether through fantasy or with sex toys. A transgender woman could find that she really feels good and gets off when she fantasizes that her cock being sucked is her pussy being licked; a man in a woman’s body can be sent over the edge into orgasm when his clit is fellated as if it were his cock.
Straight, bi, lesbian, gay male, and trans couples get a lot of mileage out of gender swapping in fellatio. Straight folks have reinvented sex with the overwhelmingly popular recent addition of the strap-on to their frolics. Not only are women enjoying penetrating men with their silicone dicks, but we’re also discovering how hot it is to get our new cocks sucked by our boyfriends—and they’re finding that it drives them wild. Lesbians and dykes have been bending gender along the fellatio continuum for a while now, role-playing as dykes with dicks, straight couples, or even pairs of gay men.
When a Little Pain Is Nice
You’ve probably heard people refer to things that “feel so good they almost hurt,” and the phrase “hurts so good” has managed to linger in our collective consciousness for, well, since I was a kid. That’s because the concepts of pleasure and pain are like twin pups in the human catalog of emotion and sensation; they’re separate animals but often like to play together. In sex, the pleasure and pain lines mingle often, and in ways we aren’t always aware of. Grabbing and squeezing your lover can easily give way to pulling, pinching, biting, and scratching—in small portions or stronger doses, depending on urge and response. The stronger the urge to, say, pull hair, and the more erotic and pleasurable the response, the more force will be applied. We humans love to up the ante in sex, and when we’re blissed out on hormones, endorphins, and lust, we can easily add a little pleasurable pain to the mix.
Squeezing his thighs or ass a little harder than usual when you’re giving him a blow job isn’t out of the ordinary, but if you’re planning on doing much more than that you’ll need to learn about what you’re doing, and make sure it’s okay before you proceed. Intense sensations during sex are to be negotiated beforehand. Consult chapter 1, “More Than a Mouthful,” about talking to your lover, and reference the book suggestions in chapter 12, “Independent Study,” for further guidance.
The threshold of mingling pleasure with pain can be crossed in a variety of guises. The two of you may have decided that that you want to add pain into fellatio as if it were a sex toy, and simply experiment with techniques and toys. Or, it could be that you have a fantasy scenario in mind in which one of you is dominant and the other submissive, and some spanking or rough play fuels the fantasy’s fire. You could be a teacher, and he the naughty pupil who gets a spanking and then some oral sex. Perhaps you just want to play the dominant woman or man, and take rough surveys of his nipples, cock, and balls as you fellate him. He may simply enjoy the way pain adds to the feeling of getting head; or perhaps one particular thing pushes him over the edge, such as nipple biting upon orgasm, and role-play or fantasy don’t enter into it at all. Pain, as a sex toy, can be shaped to fit your own personal sex style.
My girlfriend and I sometimes like to play rough, where I overpower and dominate her in various ways. One thing we both like is when I grab her in the hallway or someplace, and push her down to her knees, and hold her hair tightly as I push my penis into her mouth. She knows I won’t push farther than she can take, but she also likes the feeling of being mock-forced to suck me.
You have several options literally at your fingertips when you want to increase the pleasure/pain volume during fellatio. You have the choice of breaking from the action and doing things to other parts of his body, such as lightly spanking his thighs or ass, or you can suck and give him little bites on his ass, stomach, chest, or nipples. Some men really enjoy having their nipples roughly stimulated when they’re close to orgasm. You can scratch him with your fingernails anywhere that’s pleasurable, but refrain from ticklish areas unless he’s one of those rare guys who get off on being tickled. When administering pain, and blending it with pleasure, be sure to give him almost what he wants, then back off and make him want it, bad. Don’t go for the intense sensations right away; go lighter than he wants, then give him a little more.
His penis can be given little bits of painful stimulation that you can alternate with pleasurable cocksucking techniques. Some men like just a little pain here and there on their penis; a few may like continuous pain. His cock can be squeezed with your hand and sucked roughly, and the skin can be pinched or pulled. If you know it’s okay with him, you can play around with your teeth on his penis, lightly running them around the head or along the shaft. Some men enjoy having their penis spanked lightly, but don’t miss and hit his balls—unless you know explicitly that this is okay with him. Cup his cock in your hand or have it pointed upward, flat on his stomach. His balls are right there, waiting to be squeezed, pulled, pinched, or constricted. Never slap or spank his testicles, or constrict them with too much pressure or force, or it will become the wrong kind of pain, the pain that stops the fellatio. Watch his nonverbal reactions, or check in with him by asking specific questions. Don’t ask if something is “okay,” because that word can mean anything. Ask if he wants it harder, softer, or tighter, if he wants more pinch or less movement, or if he wants you to stop.
Pausing from the blow job, you can apply clamps or clips to his body parts, or specifically his penis and testicles, to elicit a low-level, continuous hum of pain as you give him head. Apply clips to any area where you can pinch enough skin for the clamp—use common sense and don’t try to put a clamp on a flat area or an area where it’s difficult to get some skin between your fingers. Clamps and clips deliver concentrated pinching sensations to the body part they’re applied to, and they pinch at first, then turn into a steady buzz of pain; then, when you take them off, sensation rushes to the area and there’s a burst of intense pain. Get to know the pain cycle of clips by trying one on yourself, in a sensitive area like the inside of your arm, and you’ll see that while they hurt going on, they hurt much more coming off. You can use this knowledge to time the sensations with your oral overtures, or with his pleasure cycle.