Consider ways in which you can encourage your partner to hear you out, and ask them to suspend judgment until you can explain why this is important, and how good this new sexual behavior is going to make you feel—and be sure to reassure them that you find them incredibly sexy. Whether you’re reading this from the perspective of wanting to give or receive head, the most important thing to think through beforehand is how you are going to make your partner feel safe when talking about it. Rehearse what you’d like to say in your head before you actually have the conversation. Think through possible scenarios, and think about how they might react, so you are prepared to flow with whichever route the discussion might take.
The idea of having your face between their legs might make some men anxious. Before you open the discussion, you’ll want to read up on the fears and issues that men face in chapter 3, “For Him.” If you can get a handle on what might be bothering him before you open the discussion, you can listen more sympathetically, knowing a little bit about what could be on his mind.
When Your Lover Is Reluctant
When you want to give your sweetie sexual pleasure and he’s reluctant, nonresponsive, or seems unsure, it can be a little deflating—and confusing. Understanding why he is hesitant or where this hesitation might be coming from is important if you want to reverse any negative sexual messages he might be dealing with. There are a number of reasons why your lover might be hesitant, and sexual shame is a biggie. No matter how you were raised, you most certainly learned on one level or another that sex is “bad,” were made to feel that you should have a “perfect” body, and were taught that genitals are “icky.” Through advertising, pop culture, and conservative religious and social mores, our culture repeats to us over and over that we should be ashamed of our bodies, our sexual selves, afraid of expressing natural, healthy sexuality.
Many people consider oral sex to be more intimate than intercourse. Some men might find that having you up close and personal with their penis magnifies worries, concerns, and insecurities. He might worry about how he looks, how he compares, how he might taste or smell, or if he will have a trustworthy erection. Some guys feel unsettled by the intimacy of being in your mouth and your ability to watch his reactions; even the sheer closeness of the act might make them nervous. Some men just don’t like their bodies and won’t want you to get a close look. These are all very good reasons why he might be apprehensive about having you go down on him. Be sensitive, and ask questions gently in hopes of creating a space in which your partner will feel safe to open up about his hesitancy. Trust takes time to build, even in long-term relationships, but he may eventually come to love his genitals, sex, and intimacy as much as you do.
If he’s partially open to the idea but still hesitant, try engaging in foreplay (such as male genital massage; for more on this see chapter 6, “Before You Go Down”) up to his threshold of comfort, and then switch to a sexual activity that’s comfortable for both of you. Next time you try, go up to that point and a little past it, slowly easing up to fellatio. If his anxiety stems from issues with cleanliness, taste, or smell, you can romantically shower or bathe together beforehand. If it seems appropriate and you’re both turned on, initiate oral sex in the shower. If he’s uncomfortable with his genitals being in your mouth, it’s a good idea to keep a wet washcloth at your bedside, because he probably won’t want to be kissed after getting head. If you know he’s uncomfortable about body size or how his body looks in general, plan your seduction by romantic candlelight or use lowered ambient light—or the two of you can stay partially clothed during sex.
A concern among some men is that they’ll lose their erection during fellatio, which is the worst possible moment—when he knows you’re trying to give him pleasure, and you’re watching him. Let him know that you understand the rising and falling of the male pleasure cycle, and just enjoy having him in your mouth. Many men really enjoy having their soft penis lovingly kissed, sucked, and cradled in a warm mouth, so you can continue to fellate him if he becomes soft. It feels great to him—having an erection isn’t required to have hot sex. Penises don’t stop receiving pleasure when they’re not hard, and neither do their owners! Tell him that you don’t care if he’s hard during your pleasure play, as long as he’s involved. Or tell him you’re orally fixated, and he’s helping you quit smoking! But seriously, this issue can nag even the most sexually confident man, and it’s your responsibility to tell him that your goal is simply shared pleasure. Let him know that if he gets hard and orgasms, that’s great, and if not, it’s just as great—you’re making love to the man, not the body part. Do what you can to ease any pressure he may be feeling about “getting it up,” and he’ll be able to enjoy what you’re doing for his own sake. Talk to him about this: great lovers ask questions, lousy lovers don’t.
Trying New Things
If you want to perform fellatio and never have before, you’re going to be adding a new dimension to your sexuality. If you’re in a relationship and are interested in trying it, you’re adding a new sexual behavior to your routine. Or fellatio may already be part of your lovemaking, but one of you wants it to change. Adding new sex practices or tailoring existing ones to heighten the experience of sex can be a lot of fun—or it can be a nerve-wracking experience.
The important thing to consider when adding any new sexual technique to your repertoire is where your goals lie. Are you interested in increasing intimacy, or do you just want to get off? Is your goal to establish trust, or to have an evening of arousing, teasing sexual play? Is it orgasm, foreplay, affection, or fun you’re after? Regardless, you’ll want to make your main goal to have fun, be close, and deeply lust after your lover. If you’re hot for what you’re doing to him, he’ll be able to tell, no matter what oral technique you’re trying to perfect. And if he’s feeling your heat for what you both are doing, then you’ve got yourself a peak erotic experience in the making.
CHAPTER 2
The Anatomy of a Man’s Pleasure
Is seems so simple, doesn’t it? What guys like, that is. To the casual observer, male genital physiology is but one step away from “tab A into slot B.” But that’s a misconception—in fact, there’s a lot more going on down there than meets the eye. When we think of pleasing our male partners, we think it’s easy to do. Sometimes that’s true, but when you discover just how much pleasure he’s capable of receiving, you’ll want to leave the easy stuff to the amateurs.
Appearance and Pleasure Physiology
Men’s genitals are as unique as a face or a fingerprint. But though there are infinite variations, what you will generally encounter when you unzip his fly is a penis (circumcised or not), a scrotal sack containing two testicles, and pubic hair that usually covers the mound over the pubic bone, the base of the penis, the testicles, and the perineum (from the base of the balls to the anus). The skin on the pubic mound, the perineum, and the anus is similar in texture to the skin on the rest of his body, but usually a different shade. It deepens and changes in color as it reaches the base of the penis and the scrotum. The darker skin is softer and thinner than the skin on the rest of his body.