As you gradually insert more of your hand into your partner’s body, check in regularly. Ask your partner to tell you how it’s feeling, and where she’s feeling pain or discomfort. This is really important, because it will allow you to adjust your technique to help her feel more comfortable. You may also have her use hand signals like the universal “stop” sign (holding up her outstretched hand) or a thumbs-up if she’s ready for more—this can provide an additional way for her to communicate while still being able to stay in the moment. Also, remember that it’s important to relube your hand regularly, and check your gloves for any signs of breakage.
Many people get frustrated during fisting. “I can’t get my hand in past the knuckles” or “I’m out of room” are frequent comments from novice and sometimes even experienced fisters. The reality is that we are working to fit our hands into a part of the body that usually doesn’t expand more than a few inches in diameter, so it’s not always the easiest thing to make happen. The first “bump in the road” is often just before the knuckles enter the vagina—we run out of “stretch” and may feel as if we are totally blocked.
There are a few ways you can work past this. First, make sure your partner is relaxed and is doing what she can to open up to you. (More about that in a few paragraphs.) Second, slowly rotate your hand, gently pressing in at different angles and in different positions as you go “around the clock” in your movements—often there is a particular angle or direction where you’ll feel a bit more room to work with. It’s not necessarily intuitive—one of my partners can’t take my hand if it’s parallel or perpendicular to her, but she can easily let it in if my hand is at a 45-degree angle. You may also want to try those different body positions I mentioned earlier. Some people find that being on their hands and knees (doggie style) or lying on their side relaxes their pelvic muscles and allows them to take even more. The good news is that once you’ve found a great position, chances are it will continue to work for you in the future.
When the challenge isn’t so much the stretch to accommodate your knuckles but the length you have to work with, it’s time to adjust your hand position. Fisting doesn’t happen effectively unless we use our hands as flexible tools, and visualizing your partner’s internal landscape through your touch can help you adjust your position to get more of your hand inside her. I like to close my eyes and “feel” for opportunities to curl my fingers; in most cases, the vagina opens up past the first few inches, and you can begin to curl your fingers to make a fist. Usually the thumb, once it’s inside your partner, will naturally fold in toward the center of the palm; letting your fingers close around it will help you penetrate more fully and fill your partner’s vagina more completely.
FOR THE BOTTOM
For a bottom, the experience of fisting is almost as much a mental as a physical process—perhaps even more. Being able to allow our body to open up to our partner is not an easy thing for many of us, so learning techniques to help it along is key to your own enjoyment—and it makes you an active participant in the process, which is even hotter than just lying back and waiting for it to happen. Start by focusing on your own relaxation—this can be difficult if it’s your first time or if you’re in an unfamiliar location, but it’s absolutely key to being able to accept your partner’s hand. One technique I use is deep breathing, which helps our bodies relax more fully with each breath. As you breathe deeply, focus on the muscles in your lower body—your vaginal muscles, your ass, your hips, even your belly—and imagine that each muscle relaxes just a little bit more every time you exhale.
Another way to open up is to use visualization techniques. A simple one? Continue to breathe deeply as I described above, but shift your focus specifically to your vagina. With each exhale, visualize your body opening up more and more. As many of us already know, our minds have an amazing influence over our bodies (including functions that we don’t often consider to be linked to our emotions), so use your creative juices along with your sexual juices to have a more incredible experience being fisted.
The one thing that will almost always defeat us in our search for pleasure is a negative attitude. Expecting that you will be able to easily take your partner’s entire hand, or that you will orgasm from the experience, or even that you will be able to maintain your composure, can short-circuit your ability to go with the flow of the experience and appreciate it for the process that it is. While you’re breathing deeply, stay focused in the moment. If you feel happy and full of laughter, let it out; if the sensation brings up sadness, or fear, talk it out (or cry it out) with your top. Our bodies have their own memories; it’s not uncommon for sex and kink (especially when they push our previously conceived limitations) to tap into some of those memories. By releasing them, we can embrace our own internal reality and give our tops the opportunity to create that safe space for us as we experience them—and move on toward even more pleasure!
Discomfort is part of the process for many people when they’re being fisted. Let’s face it—a part of the body is being stretched pretty wide open. Pressure is a common feeling; breathing and relaxation techniques should help you process and move beyond it. However, you should alert your partner to a sharp pain or burning sensation as soon as possible. The vaginal walls are quite strong in most people, but they can still be damaged with small tears to the tissue—and that means you will have both pain and healing time, as well as, potentially, scar tissue that can make future penetration less comfortable. This is really not an area where putting up with pain for any length of time is a good idea. Often, you can manage it by letting your partner know where the pain is, as much as you’re able to, and having her adjust the angle or amount of pressure behind her penetration to a more comfortable level.
The end goal of a fisting—whether it’s with the whole hand in up to the wrist and multiple ejaculations, or just getting to the knuckles for the first time—is to heighten the sense of intimacy between partners. When a top has his hand inside his partner, not only does the act say, “I own this,” but it also provides the rush that comes with reaching a new plateau with his partner; the sense of control, power, and physical intimacy can be overwhelming. The first time I really experienced this was after a few hours of off-and-on insertion play, finally ending up with my knuckles just getting inside my lover’s body. She started orgasming, and I could feel her vagina hot and tight, squeezing my fingers together—but rather than feeling uncomfortable, it felt like I was an active part of her orgasm, not just the person who was doing the work to get her there. I felt mentally and emotionally aroused to an incredible degree—I had a brain orgasm right along with her physical one. Since then, I’ve looked at fisting a partner as a great honor and privilege, and it’s become one of the most pleasurable tools in my arsenal of sexual domination.
AFTERCARE
When is the fisting scene over? When you both say it is. I’ve had as many fisting scenes end because of my own hand and arm cramps as because my partner was finished. It should go on as long as you both comfortably want to continue. Some people like to finish off with an orgasm (or two, or three, or a hundred); some people like to stay at a plateau for as long as possible and then slowly bring the scene to a close. There is no right way to do a fisting; as long as neither partner feels that the end was abrupt or unpleasant, then you’ve done it correctly.