When fucking your partner’s ass with your hand—even if you’re “raping” them—you must use lube. Spit does not count—end of story. The ass cannot make its own lubrication, and if not treated properly the thin skin of the rectum can tear easily, making both receiver and giver susceptible to bacteria and STIs. Plus, no lube equals bad pain. Start slowly with one or two fingers or a small toy with a condom on it, and build larger as his body allows. Once his body is as full or almost as full as is comfortable, move your fingers in and out, building speed and intensity. Tell him that you own that hole. You can fuck long, deep, and hard or short, fast, and hard. The common element is hard—this is rough sex, after all. Curl your fingers toward the navel and stimulate the G-spot or the P-spot (prostate).
And receivers of anal sex? You think just because you like rough sex your ass is supposed to hurt and feel ripped open? No—really no. Don’t use poppers or numbing creams—if it hurts, tell your partner to slow down or stop. Bad pain sucks. It also makes you “ass shy” for future anal romps. Remember, rough sex means more communication and negotiation—not less. Tell him his junk is too damned big—and he should take it up his own damned ass if he thinks it’s so damned easy.
Putting your fingers in someone’s mouth can be unspeakably sexy. It’s also a great way to objectify someone and make them feel deliciously used by you for your sexual gratification. Bend two or three fingers into her mouth, press your thumb onto her chin or under her jaw, and grab hold. Move her head to the position you want it—a better angle to kiss you, to put your nipple, cock, or cunt in her mouth, to slap her face, etc. Have him suck your fingers as if they were your cock. Instruct him to open his mouth and keep it open. Insert two, three, four, or even five fingers into the waiting mouth and “fuck” his face with your hand. Try this in a variety of positions. While penetrating her from behind with dildo and harness or penis, pull her hair by the roots to arch her back, bringing her head toward you. Insert your hand and fuck her face this way. Be sure you judge how deep you want your fingers to go—the head tipped back makes for a more narrow space in her throat; if gagging is not your and her thing, be careful to not push too hard or deep.
Being on the receiving end of slapping makes me feel very, very small and submissive. It is the single fastest way to get me into a bottom head space. I get very quiet, inside and out. At the same time, whether it’s because I’m wired this way or because I now associate the two activities (slapping and sex), I get aroused.
Let’s talk about slapping, face slapping, and punching. It’s important to know where it’s safe to hit someone’s body. (Have I mentioned consent recently? Here is your reminder that you need consent in order for any of this not to be abusive. Explicit, noncoerced consent.) Check out Illustration 9.1: Where to strike. All the places marked 1 and 2 are perfect for slapping. Places marked 3 should not be hit.
There are three basic kinds of slaps: cupped hand, open/flat hand, and fingertips only.
Cupped-Hand Slap
Your hand is extended, fingers together, slightly bent. When the hand connects with the skin, it makes a hollow sound. This is the least stingy of the three types of slaps; it’s a great one for beginners, for warm-up, and for anywhere on the body (including genitals).
Open/Flat-Hand Slap
The hand is positioned just as the name suggests. Use this slap everywhere that’s safe to strike, with varying amounts of intensity and depth. You don’t have to haul off and slap somebody silly simply because you want to play rough. Repetitive, gentle slapping—especially on sensitive areas—can feel remarkable. Light slaps feel sharp and stingy, while heavy ones will leave a tingling, burning sensation for some time after the hand is removed. This slap is great for butt, face, belly, chest, and thighs, and lightly on genitals.
Fingertip Slap
Ow! This is a mean one. Imagine swatting away the hand reaching for your last cookie, using your fingertips to connect with the offending hand or arm and then pulling off quickly. That’s this one. Can be used with care anywhere on your lover’s body to make it sting.
Face Slapping
Perhaps you want to slap someone’s face. Or have yours slapped. You’re in great company. Face slapping can change the direction and intensity of a scene like nothing else, allowing the one who is slapping to feel turned on and powerful over his lover, and the one receiving the slap to feel intense intimacy, “put in his place,” made to feel small, loved, humiliated, turned on, quiet, woken up—a million amazing things. Face slapping can also bring up immediate, unexpected emotional responses like rage, tears, or panic.
Unlike what we see in the movies, face slapping can really hurt; it can be disorienting and humiliating. If someone’s past includes physical, verbal, or sexual abuse, whether in childhood or adulthood, face slapping may send them into a tailspin, making everyone feel pretty bad. Be sure to mention face slapping specifically when you and your partner discuss what works and doesn’t work for you. Even if you are already getting busy, check in first before you slap someone’s face. Holding his head, show him your hand and ask, “Yes?” Wait for a response before you continue. This goes for people who have been lovers for a while too—today might have been a tough day for her, and face slapping will be too much to deal with. If your partner has TMJ (a chronic inflammation of the jaw) or other jaw issues, don’t do this. Avoid the cheek and jawbones, eyes, and ears. You might want to take off those glasses too.
When you have your partner’s consent, support the right side of her head with your left hand (opposite for lefties). Spread your fingers apart so that the ear is not pressed between your fingers and her head. Supporting the head like this prevents the head and neck from being jerked suddenly and damaging to the neck. It’s also a great way to get eye contact with your lover: a perfect moment for the giver to “own” the moment, keeping calm and attitudinally tall. Watch as that energy transfers through your hands and eyes to your partner and back again—it’s electrifying and sexy, and it can be hugely moving. With your right hand, place your fingers (not palm) on the fleshy part of her cheek. Don’t include her jaw, eye, or ear. When you’re learning this technique it’s easy to miss the target, so do a slow trial run. Pull your hand back and place it on her cheek. Start slowly and lightly. After you deliver a slap or two, check in. Ask, “On a scale of one to ten, how hard was that?” This is a great way to discover what she wants as well as to gauge your strength. (It’s a common complaint, especially of people who study martial arts, work out, or do a lot of manual labor, that it’s difficult to know what too hard looks like.) This gets you two talking, as well.