Fantasies and Philosophies
CHAPTER 11
STOP, DROP, AND ROLE! EROTIC ROLE PLAYING
MOLLENA WILLIAMS
“Let’s pretend…” To us as children, these words opened myriad worlds and possibilities. A simple cardboard box was our spaceship, Dad’s old sweater was a cape, and we were off into uncharted territory, limited only by our fertile and unhindered imaginations.
For better, or for worse? Imagination and games of make-believe are often shunned as “childlike things” that grownups simply do not do. Yet today, over 12 million people around the world eagerly spend hours a day playing World of Warcraft, let alone the hundreds of other massive multiplayer online role-playing games.
I am, among many things, an actor and a performer, and I have been practicing my craft professionally since I was about four years old. But even for me, with a lifetime of formal training and experience under my belt, turning up the heat in bed by playing make-believe sex games can sometimes feel awkward, vulnerable, or difficult.
So why is it so tough for so many of us to stretch our imaginations into our sex lives? There are many reasons why people shy away from using fantasy and role playing to enhance and enrich their sex. Some worry about feeling silly. It can be a serious buzzkill if you feel self-conscious and awkward in the midst of a hot-’n-heavy humping! Furthermore, pretending to be someone you are not or creating a fanciful scenario might seem easy, but sustaining it can be daunting; it’s pretty much guaranteed that no one wants to risk being a flop in bed!
It is risky, too. What if you work up the nerve to share with your partner(s) that you have a really hot abduction and ravishment fantasy, only to see them recoil in horror, decry your desires as “weird,” or worse yet, “sick,” and possibly jeopardize the relationship?
And at its heart, it is intimidating. We often become so accustomed to one style, one approach, one dance move that works for us that flipping the script can be scary. What if you mess it up? Forget the lines? Decide halfway through that you just aren’t into it and want out?
All these concerns are valid. However, it is important to remember that fantasy and play are things we are born knowing how to do. All you have to do to take that first step is to remember. Remember the fearlessness, remember being invested in having fun, remember that there is nothing to lose when you throw yourself wholeheartedly into your play.
As someone who identifies as profoundly kinky, I can say that role playing is one of the things that brought me to a more comfortable place about my own twisted sexuality. Though I felt deeply conflicted about being submissive, and it did not sit well with my fiercely feminist heart, I could pretend to be submissive—you know, for science. These games allowed me to playfully investigate a newly unearthed part of my psyche and to become more comfortable with it. It felt safer for me to make-believe my way into a new realm. I gradually understood that this was a big part of who I am, and expressing it freely was precisely what feminism was all about. Nowadays, I do not have to pretend. I can just be me.
For many folks, that is as much as they need. The play’s the thing! For others, role playing frees them to explore undiscovered countries in their internal landscapes—to plumb the depths of all that their spirit and imagination has to offer!
There are varied approaches to role playing. Finding one that is right for you will give you a comfortable, fun, sexy way to harness your creative energy.
SIMPLE “WHAT IF…?”
You do not have to come up with elaborate costuming, props, scenery, and character analysis to do some very basic role-playing scenarios. Just be yourself. You’ve been doing it for a while, so that part should be easy! In the “What if…?” game, you imagine a scenario in which you and your partner(s) may fully engage as yourselves. Are you perhaps the disgruntled and weary traveler faced with a very invasive search at the hands of a presumptuous, lascivious TSA agent? Or perhaps you are the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, you’ve been caught inappropriately using your expense account funds, and you would do anything—anything at all—to escape being turned over to the authorities by the CFO.
Imagining how you, the you that you are now, would react in those situations is a great way to start your explorations into role playing. You can imagine how you would react because we do that all the time. We all are expert “armchair quarterbacks” when it comes to deciding how we would react in someone else’s shoes. Whether second-guessing a referee’s call or shouting in dismay when the girl in the horror flick foolishly walks into that dark-ass basement, we always have a plan of action that’s better than the puerile efforts of the people we are observing.
So go for it. Perhaps you have a real-life scenario you would like to recreate. That crossing guard on whom you had a crush, the hot cop who pulled you over. You can even role-play on the phone. The sexy voice answering your call to customer service? Perhaps the conversation strays to more seductive topics than the annual fee on your credit card account, and you find yourself under the spell of an anonymous, velvet-throated stranger. Once you put on your “How do I make this hot?” glasses, opportunities to sex up quotidian scenarios will blossom all around you.
Sharing real-life experiences with your lover can be amazing foreplay. People love to hear stories, and the opportunity to tell a story with real-time skin-on-skin interaction in the mix can be an exotically delicious treat. Or perhaps you have a knack for the written word? Craft an erotic email, or write up a sexy short story about the scenario you are envisioning, offer to send it to your partner or read it to them[10] as a bedtime story, or perhaps leave them a voicemail if you are the shy type. The very act of sharing is a wonderful way to break open your reluctance and get your partner’s buy-in. It can help you build trust, which in turn helps you relax into the possibilities and enjoy the ride.
We have all heard the maxim “The brain is the biggest sex organ,” and what is going on upstairs certainly has a lot to do with the human arousal cycle. Bring your imagination to play when you are engaging your senses in sex—it’s an awesome way to open new realms of possibility for that gray matter to explore.
FLASHBACKS
Besides creating a scenario out of the whole cloth of pure imagination, you can role-play a situation you’ve previously experienced, or revive a moment from the past. Interestingly, for some people who are emotionally invested in their role-play lives, these scenes may not always be hottest and sexiest. Some people revisit memories of a traumatic or difficult situation through role play to shift the outcome and reclaim their power. If you have faced racism, sexism, or discrimination based on your gender, body type, or socioeconomic status, there is a rich source of role play to be mined here.
You can also cut and paste from your history. It may be wildly insensitive to turn to your lover and say, “Hey, I’m gonna close my eyes and pretend you are this ex-partner of mine who was simply an amazing lover, okay?” Creating a role-play scenario focusing on what made your ex such a delightful sexual partner is far more intriguing. Was there a situation, a place, a time that brings you back? Did you have a particular shirt that your lover removed from you in just a certain way that left you hungry for more? Perhaps an unexpected caress in a surprising place that drove you wild? Share and then dare to go there, because most folks want to learn how to get more pleasure out of their sexual experiences. And who better than you to show your partner how you like to be done?
10
1. I deliberately use the plural pronouns