But what happens if your pet does something inappropriate? If they are acting a way because it is in alignment with their persona, look at how you might react to an actual animal that had behaved that way. Is it squirt bottle time for the unruly cat, or a swat on the ass with a rolled up newspaper for the naughty puppy? If your pet does something silly—laugh! If he can’t open up the plastic bag because he’s a kitten in mitts (or has socks taped over his hands), help the poor kitty out. Say, “Poor kitty, let me get that for you.” If she’s a happy and jumpy puppy and you are trying to focus on a task, chide her like the bad dog she is.
But if your lover or play partner actually does something that upsets you, pause or stop the role playing. Do not try to work out your anger and frustration by using the scene as an excuse to literally kick your human dog. This applies to the animal role player as well. If you and your partner are having a challenge in your life together, don’t just pee on the rug to get even. Discuss real issues in a human-to-human dialogue.
Once we have explored the fun and the silliness, the sexiness and the sensuality, the fierceness and more of our characters, some of us may be done. There is nothing wrong with trying out a character once, having fun, and moving on. Others want to come back to their personas again and again, setting regular kitty play date nights or creating a cue to indicate when they are in kitty character, such as putting on a collar.
Remember, this is your scene, your play, your desires. Make human animal role play the best for everyone involved. Let it feel silly, let it feel profoundly intimate and connecting—it’s all okay. And if your play has just gone crazy, be willing to do what good pet owners have always done since time immemoriaclass="underline" curse, swear, laugh, spit, cuddle up with your pet, and be in the moment. Tomorrow, maybe you’ll switch roles and be Lord Eduardo, King of the Goats.
CHAPTER 13
FORTEFEMME: THE ART AND PHILOSOPHY OF FEMININE DOMINANCE
MIDORI
Do you want to explore your dominant female side? Want to be that take-charge, fierce woman of danger and mystery, who gets what she wants while putting her partners through their paces? Do you want to feel confident in your sensual power, but are uncertain where to start? Or maybe you’re having urges of erotic power but are turned off by the tacky clichés of bad bitches? Perhaps your lover has requested you to take control and you find yourself wrestling with confusion and conflict. You’re not alone in any of this.
A word about terminology here: In this chapter I use the term femme often. I prefer not to define it too narrowly, but rather let it elicit your subjective impression of what is feminine or female. It applies to your inner experience of the feminine, beyond gender and orientation. We all harbor feminine, masculine, and androgyne aspects in ourselves. Here I am addressing the individual expression of the feminine in the state of play and pleasure.
Media and SM fiction would make it seem that the archetypal leather-clad dominant woman springs fully formed from the dark recesses of society, ready to scream like a banshee with whip in hand. The truth is that the real sexually dominant woman walks among us. She’s at your workplace. She’s on the commute with you. She’s strolling past you with a latte in hand. To understand the dominant woman, or to become her, step away from the common kinky expectations and consider who she really is. Strip away the corny SM stereotype, and what you have is a femme in possession of power, sensuality, and most importantly, herself. I’m certain you’ve met her.
There are the classic icons of sexy dominant women: Dietrich, Cleopatra, Mata Hari, Scheherazade, Lady Murasaki, and Madame Du Barry. There are pop icons of femme power, such as Catwoman, Madonna, Wonder Woman, Lara Croft, and the like. But don’t forget the power femme in the everyday woman. She gracefully faces the obstacles and challenges of life with humor and determination, and creates her own success and destiny. That’s most certainly a woman of potency and substance. Consider all the challenges you’ve faced and the confidence you’ve gained from them. There is a power femme within you, waiting to be unleashed in the bedroom.
The heart of feminine potency and feminine dominance is simple, but far from easy or formulaic. It’s confidence. No step-by-step instructional on female domination can teach the confidence that leads to the uniquely sexy allure of the femme. No technical classes on flogging, bondage, or kink skills can create the powerful femme. No collection of leather, corsetry, latex, shoes, or other fetish accessories will make a woman sexually self-actualized. The essence of femme allure is simple, but it is certainly not easy to come by.
HOW TO FIND YOUR POWER SOURCE: THE ARCHETYPE
One of the most effective ways to begin identifying your power femme within is the Archetype Exercise. It’ll take a while to do this, so take your time. You will need a piece of paper and a pen.
Consider this question: Who personifies the alluring powerful femme for me?
The question is trickier than it looks. Don’t just start writing down names; think carefully about your life, about which women have influenced you with their charisma, their confidence, their sensuality. The answers may be different than you expect. Although the names you write down will be those of other women, this exercise is all about you.
Give answers in as many of the following categories as you can:
Myth and religion
Folktales
History
Politics
Popular culture
TV/movie characters
Family history
Literary characters
Media personalities
Comics/manga/games
Professions
People in your past and present
What names do you come up with? For me, women such as Catherine Deneuve, Mae West, Catwoman, Cleopatra, Amaterasu Omikami (the Japanese sun goddess), Brunnhilde, and my grandmother come to mind. These are but a few in a long list of women I admire for their allure as power femme icons.
Now write those names in a column on the left side of the paper. Write as many as you can think of—the more, the better! You can do it in one sitting, or put down the list and go back to it from time to time. You may also want to bounce the question around with your partner or friends. Other icons for me are the Oiran (the highest-ranking courtesans of Japan), RuPaul, Emma Peel, prison wardens, Lauren Bacall, Borg Queen, or Drill Sergeant Rainey from my own basic training days.
ARCHETYPE EXERCISE WORKSHEET
Once you feel that you’ve done a pretty thorough job of listing your icons of powerful femininity, focus on each one individually and write down what makes her a power femme for you. You can use words, phrases, or thought fragments. Just brainstorm and let the words flow—don’t worry about whether the attributes you’re noting are historically accurate. Write down your impressions of these women and what you feel makes them iconically femme and powerful. It’s purely subjective.
Take Catherine Deneuve, for example. I can say with confidence that she has a great sense of style. I cannot say with any certainty, however, that she feels vulnerable or that she understands her vulnerability to be part of her power. But I believe Deneuve does just that as an actress, so I would write that down. Some of the traits may not seem complimentary or flattering. Amaterasu Omikami was said to be fickle; Dietrich may have been selfish. Remember that the femme is not always about sweetness and light, or sugar and spice and everything nice. Sometimes the darker qualities of these femmes are exactly what make them so alluring—it is what makes them femmes fatales. Light cannot exist without shadow. Make sure to list the dark attributes as well as the light ones. Do this for all the names you’ve listed.