You will now have two columns on a piece of paper: your icon names on the left and their attributes on the right. Now put the list aside and go do something fun. Maybe you suddenly feel a need to find a lipstick in the most perfect shade of red. Good. Go and do something that pleases you. With a refreshed mind, revisit the list. Fold the paper so you can only see the attributes column on the right.
This right column is the index of your inner power femme attributes. Are you surprised? What words reappear? What theme is constant? What traits are you uneasy or uncomfortable with? It’s difficult to see our own powerful qualities—we look at others and project upon them what we value as femininity and power. They are our mirrors; they do what we wish we could. Sometimes our admiration of these women feels like a guilty pleasure. Why else would the great villain-esses be so attractive? Unfortunately, even in the most progressive Western cultures, women are often discouraged from being self-congratulatory. Many women never fully develop their own image of power or honestly acknowledge their own strengths. It’s safer and more comfortable to admire the power in others than to recognize and cherish it within us. A residual effect of having been historically the “second sex” is the inability to see the strength within.
Your personal power femme icons are mirrors of your own potential. Recognize this and it will help you reevaluate your concept of feminine power. How does it feel that these iconic women are part of you? What do you value in your own power, the light as well as the dark? To put it another way, if you were your power femme icon, what would give you great pleasure? What would you do? What would you have someone do for you?
Do you feel blocked about going full tilt using your power and enjoying your dominance? Maybe you’re suffering from mismatched expectations. Do you feel put upon by your partner’s demands? Do elements of your power femme attributes conflict with your partner’s fantasy? Where desires and expectations conflict, discontent arises. Let’s say that your lover thinks a sexually dominant woman should dress, act, talk, and play a certain way. You act on that and it feels odd and awkward. Why? It’s because your traits and desires are in conflict with your lover’s vision of your part in their fantasy. Drop the expectations and engage in sweet selfishness in the bedroom! This is the arena for asking for what you want and what would please you. If a sexually dominant woman can’t be true to her desires, then she’s nothing but a puppet acting her way to certain dissatisfaction and burnout.
Your attribute lists should be pretty long. Would you manifest all of these personae or aspects of your power at any given point during play? No. But it would serve you well to find which of these traits best describe you for that night’s play. Do you feel demanding, neutering, coy, bitchy, precise, vulnerable, or delicate? Let the elements that ring truest to you in that moment rule your dominant femme space. Call them your moods or appetites, if you wish. You’ll be conducting yourself in a manner that is true to your core, not merely playacting someone else’s idea of a sexually dominant woman.
Return to your worksheet and take a look at the left column of power femme icon names. Many of the names that you listed are potential sources of roles for you and your partner to play. If Cleopatra made your list, consider the role of the imperious ancient queen. This gives you plenty of opportunity for dress-up. Dressing up as characters other than your everyday self may feel a bit silly at first, but it’s all in the name of fun and pleasure. Read Chapter 11, Stop, Drop, and Role! Erotic Role Playing, and incorporate those skills into your dominant appetites and attributes. Dressing up for SM role-play games can free you from your accustomed good manners and limitations. Maybe you would never order your partner around, but the Queen of the Nile certainly would!
Are you worried that your dominant femme traits in the bedroom might take over your everyday life in negative ways? The act of putting on and taking off role-play costumes provides a clear demarcation of when imperious behavior is appropriate and when it ends. It also gives your partner a clear delineation of when a certain type of relationship starts and ends. It’s a healthy way to create boundaries and keep playtime special and distinct.
WHAT REALLY TURNS ON A SUBMISSIVE PARTNER
Here’s a dirty little truth: what deeply arouses your partner isn’t the long list of activities they listed in their negotiations. There’s no doubt that those activities are important and enjoyable; however, it’s your presence and delivery that makes or breaks the experience. It’s about attitude! If the submissive senses that your heart isn’t in it and you’re just faking it as you deliver the spankings or other ministrations, it kills the thrill. It’s 10 times worse than faking orgasms—which is pretty criminal in itself. The submissive may go along with it just to have an “itch” scratched, while you perform to their expectations—creating a vicious cycle of destructive noncommunication. This can only end in ugly resentments.
In the same way that you now have your personal list of power femme attributes and personae that are authentic to you, every submissive has their list of Dream Domme attributes. Most bottoms and submissives haven’t thought about this, as standard SM negotiations tend to focus exclusively on activities at the cost of intention, mood, and emotional needs. Find out what dominant demeanor makes them weak in the knees. If that matches your styles of dominance, you have the golden key to inspiring deep submission and unparalleled joy in them. Now add technically delightful play and you’ve just created magic for them.
To find out what dominant style your partner is keyed in to, put them through a stealthy version of the Archetype Exercise. You could hand them the form, but since that wouldn’t be sexy or fun for many people, disguise it as an ordinary conversation. Perhaps after a movie with a particularly strong female character, or sharing a book with power femme leads, tease out a conversation about who they believe embodies powerful femininity. Ask what makes these women so fantastic. Keep the conversation going, perhaps over several different occasions, and the pattern will emerge clearly. Did they mention words and phrases similar to your own power femme attribute list? If so, you’re set for success!
Some of your partner’s favorite power femme attributes may not match yours. Don’t force them to match—don’t try to act like something you’re not. For example, you’ll never find “ice queen” on my list—I’m just too goofy for that. If I attempted to be the Ice Queen domme, even my best rope bondage scene would feel stiff, staged, and boring. So what to do? I would find another key phrase or attribute that the submissive mentioned that is more my style. Maybe it was “clever,” “cruel,” “creative,” or “controlling.” Now, those I can do. They’re in my light and dark lists.
Don’t hesitate about trying on a new style. If it feels good, keep it and add it to your style list. If it doesn’t fit right, drop it from your list and move on. Whatever you do should please you.
THE GOOD DOMINANT
What makes for a dominant of quality? In the flood of information circulating in publications and media and on the net, sometimes the young power femme may feel a bit overwhelmed. It’s easy to lose sight of the basics in a frenzy of information gathering.