No amount of fetish wear can make a dominant out of a woman who hasn’t worked on her power and grace within.
Effective dominance comes from the core of the person. This is why it’s essential to know your archetypes and attributes. No amount of fetish wear can make a dominant out of a woman who hasn’t worked on her power and grace within. Having a collection of great toys won’t make you a great domme either—it just means that you know where to shop. The same goes for skills. Knowing a lot of techniques does not alone make you a great domme. It’ll make you a skilled top, but that’s different from being a dominant. You might be a good service top, a lovely submissive sadist, or a fine egalitarian sadist, but these are all different—though no less valid—than being a dominant.
Conversely, you can be dressed in nothing more than ordinary daily clothing, using no equipment and displaying no particular flashy techniques, and still demonstrate deep and powerful dominance.
A fine domme understands when dominant behavior is appropriate. She knows when to go into domme mode and when to turn it off. She knows that she is not in a Dominant/submissive relationship with the entire world and that the tone and attitude of dominance wielded upon unconsenting people will only earn her their contempt and disrespect. Only misguided, insecure bullies display such behavior. She doesn’t let the dominant energy bleed into an egalitarian relationship once a hot scene has ended. If she is in a Dominant/submissive or Master/slave relationship, she understands that her dominance may be expressed differently even within that relationship. What she does in the bedroom or dungeon with her submissives would be quite different from what she would do at the submissive’s workplace.
Never forget that the ultimate aphrodisiac for the sub is the dominant’s genuine self-confidence. Sometimes it may come off as cockiness, but the difference between the cocky and the self-confident is the source of validation. The cocky dominant needs to see her greatness reflected in the eyes of others, while the confident dominant knows what her powers are and accepts them. She has taken inventory of and is comfortable with her own talents, skills, assets, and strengths. She is confident enough to see her own flaws clearly.
The art of the domme is in using her persuasive powers to bring out a desire previously unaroused in the submissive.
If a dominant cracks a whip in the woods and there are no submissives to hear it, is she still a domme? Absolutely! A dominant is not defined by the other—in this case, the presence of a submissive. She is defined by a sense of self and comfort in her own identity as an erotically dominant woman. She knows that the need to define herself by the others around her is a sign of false confidence. Every dominant will find herself single from time to time, whether by circumstance or by choice. Her relationship status does not change who she is fundamentally.
The ultimate power is that of persuasion. To get the submissive or bottom to want to do for you what you command of them—that’s dominance. Any fool with a scary weapon can force another to do things against his or her will. That’s the power of the brutish, the power of fearful people and those lacking in self-confidence. The art of the domme is in using her persuasive powers to bring out a desire previously unaroused in the submissive.
As one of my favorite teachers and authors, Joseph Bean, loves to say: “The number one job of the dominant is to continually seduce consent from the bottom.”
The deep intimacy and connection that genuine Dominance/submission creates verges on magic. There is a moment during the most amazing scenes when the rest of the world melts away, leaving a universe of two, the domme and the sub. In a universe of two, the domme is divine, for that brief moment and in that time-warped space. To accept this, she must be humble. She must know that she is but a mortal woman at all other times.
Such humility has the amazing effect of creating a calm aura around the domme, giving her an air of grace and elegance that is deeply alluring. Her sincere humility and grace earns the domme quiet respect from those around her, and most certainly the respect of her submissive.
Without respect, there is no leadership. Without leadership, there is no dominance, only boorishness.
Even the cool and aloof have their ways of showing respect and thanks. A femme domme respects the humanity of the submissive even after the most intense objectification scene. She is thankful for the act of submission given, even when it may appear externally as if it were wrenched from the submissive. She knows that, in the end, it is the submissive who actively chooses surrender. She knows how difficult true surrender is and is in awe of that. She knows that it takes the truly strong and self-aware to fully submit and she shows gratitude for that appropriately.
She knows that the limits and emotional vulnerabilities of others must be respected. This includes respecting the limits of nonparticipating parties who may prefer not to have to deal with a wantonly splattered dominant attitude. It includes respecting the limits placed by the submissive, for this consideration allows the submissive to feel truly safe with her. Such a sense of safety often leads to deeper surrender. As a dear friend of mine, David V., says: “Always be respectful in spirit, even if the scene is not.”
A dominant of quality knows clearly what she enjoys in kink play. If she doesn’t, she’ll simply be pushed by other people’s desires and projected expectations. Like a leaf floating in the current of a fast river, she will be haunted by a vague sense of helplessness and lack of control. What’s a dominant if she doesn’t have control over her own pleasure? Always know your limits and displeasures just as well as your thrills. The art of the polished domme is in setting boundaries gracefully in such a way that that the submissive delights in this firmness.
She also knows where her flaws and weaknesses are and accepts them. She is strong enough to know that covering up with bravado and pretending her flaws don’t exist is a pathetic game played by insecure dominants. She also knows where her technical limitations are and knows how to work around them to avoid undue risk. She knows when to seek more learning to increase her skills, and does so without making each step of dominance education a battle of egos. When she makes an error, which she knows will happen from time to time, she sees the error she has made and acknowledges it. Then she does what needs to be done to correct the situation and moves on. She neither ignores the error nor overreacts to it.
The dominant of quality understands the power of decisiveness. Each action is committed with mindfulness, whether arrived at by conscious thought and decision or by instinct. The person who openly waffles in the act appears to have no control. It is fine to wonder about other choices and consider them in one’s mind. It is also fine to seek counsel and advice. Do that with decisiveness as well.
The realistic dominant knows that with decisiveness comes the potential for less than optimal outcomes. She strives to be aware of consequences. She takes responsibility for her actions and, once again with decisiveness, grace, and compassion, handles those consequences.
A FEW PRACTICAL TIPS FOR A SCENE