Some of my favorite play partners are tops who need a break. I am more than happy to anonymously provide a vacation for them at the other end of the whip. Every partner of mine is entitled to confidentiality. But because our community can be so stupid and judgmental about tops who get tired of always being the one to bark out the orders, I never even note the identities of these people in my journal. (As if anybody could ever read my handwriting.)
When a bottom whimpers and tells me they can’t take any more, I have been known to whip out a pair of needles and pierce my own nipples. While they watch. If I can take it, I ask, why can’t they?
And that’s the perfect place to stop. Because there’s only so much you can learn from reading a book. Go outside and play.
CHAPTER 16
INSIDE THE MIND OF A SADIST
FIFTHANGEL
In the dungeon, we entered what Katie and I call “Thunderdome.” Thunderdome is one of those large jungle gym–type things with hundreds of bars linked together to form a half dome. This particular one is rather immense and stands some 12 feet high—tall enough for suspension work. Katie very much enjoys being suspended upside down, so that was the plan for our night, though she had no idea what else I was going to do in this scene. Katie and I have been married for a few years now, and we do not use a safeword that enables her to stop a scene. Of course, if something is terribly wrong or very unsafe, she will bring it to my attention.
I started off by restraining her feet to a metal spreader bar that I had made. After her feet were clamped to the bar, I suspended her upside down from the top of the dome. I lashed her hands together behind her back with deep-red-colored hemp rope that she made for me. The rope is well used and scarred with bloodstains from prior scenes.
As with most times when I have sex with my wife, I did not have an organized plan. What happens is really a matter of what enters my head at the time, so my thoughts and actions are always subject to what she may say or do. For some reason, while I was binding her up, she moved in a direction I did not want. I said something to the effect of “Stop fucking moving.” She instantly began to cry for fear that something unpleasant was going to follow. She would only have this type of reaction during a scene because, in the past, I have punished the part of the body that made the mistake. It keeps her thinking about what not to do. While she cried, I continued my bondage work.
Underneath her were chux pads (medical drop cloths the size of a medium bath towel) to keep the floor clean and collect anything that might come out of her. The vast dungeon was dimly lit in this area, which made clear vision a challenge. Nonetheless, I was able to see the shadows cast by her external jugular veins. Because she was dangling from her feet, the veins in her neck had become engorged with blood.
I felt her neck veins with the pad of my finger, which let her know I was going to draw blood. Because her adrenaline was elevated from the excitement of the scene and she was suspended upside down, I knew I had limited time to work before she might pass out. I placed two holes in one of her jugular veins with an 18-gauge needle. Blood began to squirt from her neck and onto the white chux, and slowly dripped down her face, pooling below her. My cock was very hard at this point and I wanted it inside her. Unfortunately, I hadn’t thought that part all the way through beforehand—it was impossible with her upside down.
My next-best solution was to bring her to orgasm by licking and tasting her pussy. Her legs were spread apart and her waist was at the height of my face, so this worked out well. It did not take long for her to have an orgasm. Her body shuddered and withered against the restraints and even more blood oozed from her neck due to the increased pressure in her body from the orgasm. Okay, I thought, she had her fun. Now it’s my turn.
DOMINANT, TOP, OR SADIST?
Later that evening and the next day, many people spoke to us about the scene and how hot it was. But what did they see? Was I being a Dominant? Many would agree that I was topping. Were there any elements of sadism? Viewing a scene from the outside, it can be difficult to see what the dynamics really are.
A Dominant, a Sadist, or a Top can wield a flogger, and by outward appearances they may appear the same; the difference is in the intent of the flogging, the receiver’s perception, and what you can’t see.
I have fulfilled the roles of Dominant, Top, and Sadist at various times in my tenure in the world of BDSM. The names of these roles vary to suit the user; the language can be imprecise. Although you can assume multiple roles simultaneously, I believe there are significant differences worth exploring. The emphasis of this piece will be sadism, since I feel it is the most complex, the least understood, and there are fewer examples of it in the kink community.
A Dominant, a Sadist, or a Top can wield a flogger, and by outward appearances they may appear the same; the difference is in the intent of the flogging, the receiver’s perception, and what you can’t see.
Top is an all-encompassing role; topping describes the actions performed by one person (the Top) on another (the bottom), like wielding the flogger. But topping does not describe behavior. Behavior is how a person conducts himself or interacts with the environment around him. In the case of flogging, a Top’s intent is to flog the bottom, to create various sensations on the bottom’s body. The flogging may be pleasurable for the bottom, even playful and fun. The Top may gain pleasure from the flogging, but not necessarily sexual pleasure. The key element is that these actions do not have to lead to sexual arousal or gratification for the Top or the bottom.
Dominance reflects a set of behaviors or a type of relationship. It is a dynamic where a power exchange takes place; the Dominant accepts control over another person (often, but not always, the submissive), and the submissive gives up control or power to the Dominant. Do not confuse giving up control with giving consent—everything we do is consensual. Dominance can be, but does not have to be, about sexual encounters or sexual gratification. Using flogging as an example again, a Dominant may employ flogging to communicate his control over the submissive’s body, making the submissive bend to his will, achieving the same result as a Top. The Dominant gains personal satisfaction in accepting and exercising this control.
Sadism is a set of behaviors (or fantasies) involving the emotional or physical suffering of another that is sexually exciting to the Sadist. This is all about sexual gratification, nothing else. When a Sadist flogs someone, she wants them to suffer and be in pain at some point. Note that the pain and suffering are not sexually exciting to the bottom.
A Dominant becomes a Top or Sadist within a scene. A Dominant can be sadistic in a scene while he or she is topping. A Sadist does not have to be a Dominant in a scene, and vice versa. I would like to emphasize that dominance is a set of behaviors, not physical actions. As a supervisor in my career field, I have taken numerous behavioral tests, and in every case I was classified as “dominant”—an assessment that has nothing to do with my physical actions. Now, as a test subject for sadism, observe how hard my cock gets when my wife is in extreme pain and suffering.