WHAT’S PAIN GOT TO DO WITH IT?
The acronym BDSM is relatively new when compared to behaviors it describes, which date back more than two millennia. Within the BDSM community, the term sadism has mutated into something it is not. While we do know the origin of the word and the context in which it was first used, the old definition has become bastardized. Someone once said to me, “I suppose you could argue that it is not sadistic to give someone something they somehow enjoy, but in our world, sadism tends to be more about who is delivering the pain, not about how it is received.” There does not need to be, nor should there be, any modification to the term sadism other than adding the word consensual. If you do not fit the behavior, don’t change the established definition of a word that describes the behavior to make it fit you. Don’t say you’re a Sadist; just say you are topping someone. While some may complain that they hate labels and definitions, the language we use is important for communication and general understanding.
Now, consider this idea: a masochist is a Sadist’s worst enemy. I say this somewhat tongue in cheek to get people to think about what “painful” sensations are really like for a masochist.
After considering the behaviors encompassed by consensual sadism, it is vital to perceive and interpret the intent of the individual creating the sensations as well as what the bottom actually experiences.
Pain is defined as an unpleasant sensation resulting from physical trauma, disease, or an emotional disorder, suffering, or distress. This suggests that the person who feels pain is not happy about it. For example, undergoing dental work is painful for most of us, though I am sure there are a few people out there who enjoy the sensation of dental work. Note how I changed the word pain to sensation in that example.
We feel sensations when our senses are stimulated. Thus, sensations are highly individual and idiosyncratic to each of us; they can be interpreted in many ways. Some sensations can be pleasurable while others can be unpleasant. We define pain as an unpleasant sensation; people go to great lengths—think of pain clinics—not to feel it. Pain hurts people.
Now, consider this idea: a masochist is a Sadist’s worst enemy. I say this somewhat tongue in cheek to get people to think about what “painful” sensations are really like for a masochist. What the rest of us would identify as pain and perceive as negative, masochists interpret differently. To them, it’s a pleasurable, positive experience; thus, it is not pain.
You see, masochists do feel and interpret some sensations as painful, as hurting. Pain is only pain when the person receiving it interprets it as a negative or unpleasant sensation or one that causes suffering. I may think I am causing someone pain because, well—damn—it sure looks like it would hurt me. But in reality, he enjoys the sensation and doesn’t experience it as “bad” pain.
This brings to mind tattoo work. While speaking with my tattoo artist, he told me that often, when he tattoos someone, he has to stop and give them a break because it hurts them too much. This applies to all areas of the body that he has worked on. While getting work done on the base of my neck, I started to laugh because it tickled. It held up his work because I had to settle myself down and hold still. But he told me this is a very painful place to tattoo for some people.
I will interject a theory here. Some believe that pain and pleasure are on the same continuum of sensation as interpreted by the mind. For example, a sensation like having your feet caned is extremely painful to some. For a masochist, it can feel pleasurable at first, but if continued long enough or delivered hard enough, the stimulus will eventually become painful. The masochist could become sexually aroused from a caning during the pleasurable stage, but would feel pain from the same activity further down the road.
Sadism is often misunderstood by our own BDSM community as a self-centered “dark” endeavor. Some wonder how a Sadist could possibly find a willing partner who submits to painful activities they don’t enjoy. This always makes me chuckle. I am a known Sadist and I have no problem getting people to let me do unpleasant stuff to them. I always reveal what I am up front by giving partners my definition of sadism—I want to make them feel unpleasant sensations from which I will get sexual gratification when they dislike what I do—and they still want to give it a go. Sadism becomes abuse when the bottom no longer consents to the pain or when the bottom’s needs are not met.
SADISM AND CONSENT
Often the consensual Sadists within the kink community use the term consensual non-consensuality or CNC (also referred to as consensual nonconsent) to describe certain scenes. Our community has been discussing this controversial practice for many years. If there is ever a dull moment in a discussion group or an online list, this is one issue—along with safewords and extreme scenes—that is guaranteed to liven things up.
I recall reading that CNC was a very heated topic of discussion at the National Leather Association’s fifth conference in October 1990. In a postpanel interview conducted by Carol Queen, the late Tony DeBlase was quoted concerning CNC: “A bottom may set parameters and say, ‘Now, given those parameters, don’t pay any attention to what I say after this.’ We’ve gotten so much into negotiations and safewords that there are people who can’t even conceive scening without them. They confuse consensual non-consensuality scenes with entirely non-consensual ones—which they aren’t.”
CNC remains no less controversial today. There are some who feel it is in direct violation of the seemingly universal BDSM guideline known as safe, sane, and consensual (SSC). When the phrase “risk-aware consensual kink” (RACK) was coined, it seemed to open a little more tolerance for CNC, simply because people were more willing to admit that there is some risk to many of our practices. But I have a personal issue with grouping sadism and “kink” together. Sorry, but equating the word “kink” to sadism is like comparing a bunny-fur flogger to a barbed-wire flogger. We all use catchphrases to simplify our conversations, often using our local group’s shorthand. However, once we start to travel or speak outside our own leather community, we find that interpretations vary widely.
Those who practice CNC generally do not use safewords, and this causes a portion of the community to promptly condemn the practice. Many BDSM practitioners hold the opinion that a bottom should never give up the right to use a safeword under any circumstances. Yet an opposing segment of the leather/fetish community chooses not to use safewords for various reasons. Some are bottoms who feel they cannot go as far in a scene as they wish to if they have a safeword. Perhaps an even more motivating factor is fear of the unknown. Some get off on fear; not everyone gets off on knowing exactly what is going to happen to them.
To consent is “to give assent or approval.”[20] To be nonconsensual is to disagree with what is proposed by another. So, by logical sequence, CNC in SM would be an agreement to not necessarily be in agreement with the actions that are forthcoming. Some consensual slaves and other bottoms receive a great deal of satisfaction through unconditionally submitting to the will of another. It is through the process of giving total control to another that they achieve deep submission, leading to spiritual well-being. It takes great strength and overwhelming trust to place total control in the hands of a Sadist, Top or Dominant. This exchange of power should never be granted thoughtlessly. Immense self-discipline, sterling character, and responsibility are required of the Top not to abuse such power once it has been given. However, I do not believe that an individual who has consented to forgoing the use of a safeword has given up their human right to stop an unsafe scene.