As I’ve mentioned previously, doing your homework is critical to mitigating risks in taboo role play. I say mitigating because nothing is 100 percent guaranteed. There is risk. That is part of the frisson of danger: we are walking that tightrope. There are many things to keep in mind when plotting these scenarios (for detailed information, I suggest reading my previous chapter, Stop, Drop, and Role! Erotic Role Playing) but the mind-set of the aggressor is key. In the case of a rape fantasy, for example, the motivation and the goal of the rapist needs to be absolutely clear.
I spoke to a fellow kink/BDSM educator about the preparatory work and personal exploration necessary to negotiate rape fantasies. Barak, in addition to having many years of experience as a health-care professional, has also worked as a nurse in a psychiatric crisis center. He and his wife, Sheba, founded Adventures in Sexuality (AIS), a group in the Midwest that focuses on education, outreach, and safety within the BDSM, kink, pansexual, and polyamorous communities. Since they conduct presentations centered around play that is edgy and pushes the edges of consent, and he has specific experience being the aggressor in scenes that play with themes of rape and consensual nonconsent, I asked Barak about the mind-set needed to successfully navigate these turbulent waters. This is his reply:
It is tricky to approach playing with a rape fantasy, and the approach will vary depending on if it is a coercive “rough sex” scenario or a full-on consensual nonconsent scene. In the former, the eventual goal is mutual satisfaction. An example might be an overpoweringly coercive “date rape” fantasy where the “victim” is eventually, forcibly “seduced” to an erotic reaction and a sexualization of the power shift, even if it is not initially consensual. There can be a rather more playful approach to these scenes, without an overwhelmingly violent element.
This becomes a different scene if the total stripping of power is the goal. Goals have to be clear in terms of the activity and the consequences. Rape is almost never about sex. It is about power and control.
In the consensual nonconsent scenario, the participants agree to push past boundaries, regardless of the pleasure of the victim. There is a specific disregard for the other person’s satisfaction. In that case, the mind-set has to include objectification. Removing power and control, removing part of what makes them sentient, makes them an object upon which you feed. Dehumanizing them, reducing them to “food.” Food for power, food for lust. As the one taking that power in that way, you can’t have concern for your victim’s feelings. What is sought after are emotional reactions.
You feed off of what they give you, and you bend them to your will to provide for more food. If fear is flagging, you up the ante to invoke greater fear. If they aren’t reacting in a way that is satisfactory, you shift that energy until you are able to feed on the reaction. Until you are satisfied. Whatever that takes.
AFTERCARE
Most players who engage in fantasy role play are aware of the importance of aftercare. Aftercare looks very different depending on the play, the players, and what they need in that moment. Of vital importance is never, ever forgetting that the victim is not the only one who needs aftercare—the perpetrator (e.g., the rapist) needs it as well. In some cases, aftercare for the aggressor might be even more critical. Sound crazy? Not at all. Think about the effort it takes to possess someone you care about, strip them of their humanity and power, use them in ways that might not feel consensual—and then it’s over and you’re left hanging, needing closure, rapprochement, reassurance that the monster you unleashed isn’t indicative of who you really are.
I asked Barak how it was, from the rapist’s perspective, to return from the state of consensual nonconsent back to a place of trust:
The situation might not be clearly consensual until the aftercare phase. In the case of a consensually nonconsensual scene, the action often is explicitly brutal and the aftercare might not be present, or even possible, until the refractory period, when there has been some recovery.
Aftercare must not come too soon after the scene is done. That can impact the arc of the scene, and compromise the emotional journey. Conversely, you can’t wait too long: if these emotions are left unresolved, the erosion of trust can take root in that vacuum. And it is vitally important for those taking on the roles of perpetrator and victim. It is critical for the victim in the scene to reassure the abuser that they do still feel that connection and trust, because guilt and shame can damage the emotional stability of the person who has just committed these acts that, without consent, would be terrible abuses.
With this in mind, always remember: negotiate, negotiate, negotiate. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve known your scene partner for decades and you are an old hand in the dungeon. Take the time to foresee and discuss the possibility of negative fallout. Have a Plan B and a Plan C. Play with people you trust, who know and understand what you are up to, and with whom you have discussed your intentions. It can be helpful to line up an “aftercare buddy.” An aftercare buddy can be a friend or partner specifically not involved in the scene who is prepared to provide interim connection for the participants until they are ready to reconnect and check in. With the help of the buddy, the partners will be able to process whatever might have been unearthed during this journey to the dark side of fantasy.
PLAYING WITH HATE
While there can be an overtly sexual aspect to a rape play scene, there are other dark role plays that may not be explicitly sexual but carry their own unique risks. These are scenes that deal with hate crimes, play that involves the degradation or exploitation of a participant based on their perceived membership in a social group, usually defined by race, religion, sexual orientation, disability, class, ethnicity, nationality, age, gender, gender identity, social status, or political affiliation.
That’s a broad, almost limitless palette from which to draw ammunition for some fucked-up scenarios, no? I understand that you may think, Hey, there’s nothing out there for me to subject myself to that might fit into a scary, dark scene. I call shenanigans. Are you a wealthy heterosexual white man? Then you might find yourself in a bad way if you fell into the clutches of a female supremacist bent on vengeance, full of disgust and scorn for your worthless, useless excuse for genitals and your grotesque white male privilege. Again, it is all about expanding your definition of what is risky, what is edgy, and personalizing the depersonalization.
In a group discussion about taboo play once, an individual who self-identified as transgendered hesitantly revealed a fantasy they’d had of coordinating a scene that would enact a “fag bashing.” This person wanted to experience an eroticized version of being mocked, abused, assaulted, and sexually violated because of their perceived gender. This was an especially nuanced exploration for them, they explained, as their affect is often fluid and they embrace a mercurial approach to gender and how they define it. Their hesitation was understandable: they were revealing this highly taboo fantasy in a room full of strangers. While I strive to create a space that is safe for people to share this dark matter, you can never know how other people will react to such revelations. As we expanded the discussion to include this type of play, we talked about risks and how one might approach broaching this topic with a potential play partner. I looked around the room and saw several attendees evincing gleams of recognition and nodding their heads vigorously. I addressed the room: “Hey, anyone else here think this sounds hot, dirty, shocking, fucked up, edgy, awesome?” At least a dozen hands shot up, to the surprised delight of the person who had so shyly revealed themselves. “I suggest you start taking numbers, I think you have some planning to do!” I said. We laughed, and dove in further.