His proud rebellious head doth rise higher
Than the giddying heights of Napoleons monument.
Like a person who has little interest in intrigues and squabbles, he would arrive at the meeting later than all the others. He would enter the room quietly, languidly pass his hand through his hair, and without looking at a single person, take a seat at the very end of the table. Assuming the pose of the bored listener, he would suppress a yawn, pick up a newspaper, and start reading. Everyone would be talking, arguing, boiling over, calling each other to order—but he would remain silent, reading his newspaper. Then finally, as his name was repeated more and more often and the burning question turned white- hot, he would lift his bored, weary eyes and say to his colleagues, reluctandy:
“You are forcing me to speak... Gendemen, I have not prepared a speech, so please bear with me—my words cannot do this scandal justice. I shall begin ab ovo. At the last meeting some of our esteemed colleagues asserted that I do not conduct myself in an appropriate manner during medical consultations, and consequendy they called me to account. Being of the opinion that I need not proffer justifications, and that the accusations are nothing but unscrupulous ploys, I asked that my name be removed from the membership roster of the Association, and subsequently resigned. Now, however, that a whole series of new accusations are being leveled against me, I find, to my great regret, that I am forced to offer an explanation after all. With your permission, I shall explain.”
At this point, carelessly twirling a pencil or a chain, he would say that yes, in actual fact it was true that during consultations he had sometimes been known to raise his voice and attack colleagues, regardless of who was present. It was also true that once, during a consultation, in the presence of doctors and family members, he had asked the patient, “Who was the idiot who prescribed opium for you?” Rare was a consultation without incident... But why was this? The answer was simple! In these consultations he, Shelestov, was always saddled with colleagues whose knowledge left much to be desired. There were thirty-two doctors in town, most of whom knew less than a first-year medical student. One didn’t have to look far for examples. Needless to say, nomina sunt odiosa—one does not wish to name names—but as they were among themselves at the meeting, and he did not want to appear a scan-dalmonger, names would be mentioned. For instance, everyone was aware that our esteemed colleague von Bronn pierced the esophagus of Madam Seryozhkina, the officials wife, when he inserted a probe.
At that point von Bronn would jump up, wring his hands, and cry out: “My dear colleague, you were the one who stabbed her, not I! I’ll prove it!”
Shelestov would ignore him, and continue: “Furthermore, as everyone is aware, our esteemed colleague Zhila mistook the actress Semiramidina’s floating kidney for an abscess and undertook a probing puncture. The immediate result was exitus letalis—lethal consequences! Our esteemed friend Besstrunko, instead of removing the nail from the big toe of a left foot, removed the healthy nail from the right foot. I am also pressed to recall the case in which our esteemed colleague Terkhayantz catheterized the soldier Ivanovs eustachian tubes with such vigor that both his eardrums exploded. I would also like to remind you that this very same colleague of ours, while extracting a tooth, dislocated the patients lower jaw and wouldn’t reset it until the patient agreed to pay him five rubles for the procedure. Our esteemed colleague Kuritsin, who is married to the pharmacist Grummer’s niece, is running a racket with him. Everyone is also aware that the secretary of our Association, your young friend Skoropalitelni, is living with the wife of our highly valued and esteemed chairman, Gustav Gustavovitch Prechtel... You will notice that I have delicately moved from discussing lack of medical knowledge to unethical behavior. I have no choice! Ethics is our weak point, gendemen, and so as not to appear a mere scandalmonger, I will call to your attention our esteemed colleague Puzirkov, who at Colonel Treshinskoy’s name-day party told everyone that it was not Skoropalitelni who was living with our chairmans wife, but I! The effrontery of Mr. Puzirkov, whom I myself caught last year with the wife of our esteemed colleague, Dr. Znobish! Speaking of Znobish—who is it that uses his position as a doctor and can’t quite be trusted when treating ladies? Znobish! Who is it that married a merchants daughter for her dowry? Znobish! And as for our highly esteemed chairman, he secretly dabbles in homeopathy and receives money from the Prussians for espionage! A Prussian spy—that is the ultima ratio!”
When doctors wish to appear clever and eloquent they use two Latin expressions: nomina sunt odiosa and ultima ratio. Shelestov would drop not only Latin words but French and German ones as well—whatever you want. He would steer everyone to clear waters, rip the masks off the intriguers’ faces. The chairman would ring his bell till he was exhausted— esteemed colleagues would be flying up from their seats all over the place, yelling and waving their arms—colleagues of every denomination would fall over each other in a heap:
Zip-bang-wham-bang-wham-bang-wham!
Not batting an eyelash, Shelestov would continue: “And as for this Association, its current membership and organizadon being what it is, it is inevitably headed for destruction. Its whole structure is based exclusively on intrigues. Intrigues, intrigues, intrigues! I, as one of the victims of a mass of demonic intrigues, consider myself bound to expound the following....”
He would go on expounding, and his supporters would applaud and clasp their hands together in exultation. At this point, with an unimaginable uproar and peals of thunder, the voting for the new chairman would commence. Von Bronn and his cohorts would heatedly support Prechtel, but the public and the ethical group of doctors would boo them and shout, “Down with Prechtel! We want Shelestov! Shelestov!”
Shelestov would consent, but on condition that Prechtel and von Bronn ask his forgiveness for the October 2nd incident. Again there would be an unimaginable clamor, and again the esteemed colleagues of the Jewish faith would fall over each other in a heap: “Zip-bang-wham!” Prechtel and von Bronn, seething with indignation, would end up resigning from the Association. Not that he would care!
Shelestov would end up as chairman. First he would clean out the Augean stables. Znobish—out! Terkhayantz—out! The esteemed colleagues of the Jewish denomination—out! With his supporters he would see to it that by January not a single intriguer would be left in the Association. The first thing he would do would be to have the walls of the Association’s clinic painted, and hang up a sign saying “Absolutely No Smoking.” Then he would fire the medical attendant and his wife, and medicine would henceforth be ordered not from the Grumer pharmacy but from the Khryashchambzhitskov pharmacy. All doctors would be forbidden to perform operations without his supervision, etc. And most important, he would have visiting cards printed, saying “Chairman of the Association of Doctors.”
Thus Shelestov dreams as he stands at home in front of his mirror. But the clock strikes seven, reminding him that it is time to leave for the meeting. He shakes himself awake from his sweet thoughts and hurriedly tries to give his face a languid expression, but—alas! He tries to make his face languid and interesting, but it does not obey, and instead becomes sour and dull, like the face of a shivering mongrel puppy. He tries to make his face look firm, but it resists and expresses bewil-derment, and it seems to him now that he does not look like a puppy but like a goose. He lowers his eyelids, narrows his eyes, puffs up his cheeks, knits his brow, but all to no avail- damn!... he cannot get the right expression. Obviously, the innate characteristics of that face are such that you couldn’t do much with them. His forehead is narrow; his small eyes flit about nervously, like those of a cunning marketwoman; his lower jaw juts out somehow absurdly and stupidly; and his cheeks and hair give the impression that this “esteemed colleague” has just been kicked out of a billiard parlor.