Shelestov looks at his face, flies into a rage, and begins sensing that his face is plotting against him. He goes out into the hall, and as he is putting on his coat, his galoshes, and his hat, he feels that they are intriguing against him too.
“Cabbie, to the clinic!”
He hands the cabbie twenty kopecks, and the intriguing cabbie asks for twenty-five. He sits in the droshky going down the street; the cold wind beats him in the face, the wet snow flies into his eyes, the horse drags its feet. Everything is conspiring to intrigue against him. Intrigues, intrigues, intrigues!
THIS
AND
THAT:
FOUR
VIGNETTES
IT IS A BEAUTIFUL FROSTY DAY. Sunbeams play on every drop of snow. There is no wind, no cloud. A couple is sitting on a bench on the boulevard.
“I love you,” he whispers.
Litde pink cupids flush over her cheeks.
“I love you,” he continues. “When I first set eyes upon you, I understood why I am alive—I saw the aim of my life! It is either life with you—or absolute nonexistence! Marya Ivanovna! My dearest! Yes or no? Marya! Marya Ivanovna... I love... my darling Marya... Please answer me, or I shall die! Yes or no?”
She raises her eyes and looks at him. She wants to say yes; she opens her mouth.
“Yuck!” she screams. On his snow-white collar, racing past each other, are two gigantic bugs... how disgusting!!
“Dearest Mama,” an artist wrote to his mother, “I’ll be coming to visit you! Thursday morning I’ll have the pleasure of pressing you to my heart that is so full of love for you! To heighten the pleasure of our seeing each other again, I shall bring... Go on, guess! No, Mama, you’ll never guess! I’ll bring with me that marvel of beauty, that pearl of human art! I shall bring (I can see you smile) the Belvedere Apollo!”
“My darling Nicolai,” his mother wrote back. “I am so happy that you are going to visit me. May the Lord bless you! But come on your own; don’t bring Mr. Belvedere! There’s hardly enough to eat for the two of us.”
The air is full of soothing fragrances: lilacs, roses. A nightingale sings, the sun is shining... and so on.
Under a spreading acacia tree on a bench in the town park sits a high school senior in his new uniform. He wears a pince- nez on his nose, and a little mustache. Beside him sits a pretty young thing.
The student is holding her hand. He trembles, turns pale, blushes, and whispers words of love.
“Oh, I love you! If you only knew how much I love you!”
“And I love you!” she whispers back.
The student puts his arm around her waist.
“Oh life! How blessed you are! I am drowning, I’m transported with happiness! Plato was right when he said... Oh, just one kiss! Olya! Just one kiss!”
Languidly she lowers her eyes. How she thirsts for this kiss! His lips stretch toward her pink lips. The nightingale sings even louder.
“Get back to your class!” a resonant tenor voice booms above the students head.
The student lifts his head, and his cap falls off. The school inspector is standing in front of them.
“Get back to your class!”
“But it’s our lunch break, sir!”
“You have a Latin class! You will have to stay two hours after school today!”
The student stands up, puts on his cap, and leaves. As he leaves, he feels her eyes resting on his back. Behind them, the inspectors footsteps.
They are playing Hamlet:
“The fair Ophelia!” Hamlet shouts. “Nymph, in thy orisons be all my sins remembered!”
“The right side of your beard has come off!” Ophelia whispers.
“Be all my sins remembered!... huh?”
“The right side of your beard has come off!”
“Damn!! To a nunnery, go!”
ELEMENTS
MOST OFTEN
FOUND IN
NOVELS,
SHORT
SHORT
STORIES,ETC.
ACOUNT, A COUNTESS still showing traces of a once great beauty, a neighboring baron, a liberal man of letters, an impoverished nobleman, a foreign musician, slow-witted manservants, nurs-es, governesses, a German bailiff, a squire, and an heir from America. Plain faces, but kind and winning. The hero—whisking the heroine off a bolting horse—courageous and capable in any given situation of demonstrating the power of his fists.
Heavenly summits, immense, impenetrable distances... in a word, incomprehensible nature!
Fair-haired friends and red-haired foes.
A rich uncle, open-minded or conservative, depending on circumstances. His death would be better for our hero than his constant demands.
An aunt in the town ofTambov.
A doctor with an anxious face, giving hope in a crisis; often he will have a bald pate and a walking stick with a knob. And where there’s a doctor, there is always rheumatism that arises from the difficulties of righteousness; migraine; inflammation of the brain; nursing of wounds after duels; and the inevitable prescribing of water cures.
A butler, in service for generations, ready to follow his master into the fire. A superb wit.
A dog so clever he can practically speak, a parrot, and a thrush.
A dacha outside Moscow and an impounded estate in the south.
Frequent purposeless references to electricity.
A wallet made of Russian leather; Chinese porcelain; an English saddle. A revolver that doesn’t misfire, a medal on a lapel, pineapples, champagne, truffles, and oysters.
Inadvertendy overheard words that suddenly make everything clear.
An immeasurable number of interjections and attempts at weaving in the latest technical terms.
Gende hints at portentous circumstances.
More often than not, no ending.
Seven deadly sins at the beginning and a wedding at the end.
The end.
SUPLEMENTARY
QUESTIONS
FOR THE
STATISTICAL
CENSUS,
SUBMITTED BY
ANTOSHA
CHEKHONTE
16) Are you a clever person, or are you an idiot?
17) Are you an honest person? A swindler? A robber? A bastard? A lawyer or...?
18) Who is your favorite satirist? Suvorin? Bukva? Amicus? Lukin? Yuli Schreier, or...?
19) Are you a Joseph or a Caligula? A Shoshana or a Nana?
20) Is your wife a blond? A brunette? A starlet? Or a red-head?
21) Does your wife beat you, or not? Do you beat her, or not?
22) How much did you weigh in pounds when you were ten years old?
23) Do you partake of hot drinks—yes or no?
24) “What were you thinking about the night you filled out these census forms?
25) Did you see Sarah Bernhardt on stage—yes or no?
QUESTIONS
POSED
BY A
MAD
MATHEMATICIAN
1. I was chased by 30 dogs, 7 of which were white, 8 gray, and the rest black. Which of my legs was bitten, the right or the left?