This deposition did not quite match the deposition given by Mr. Egorov. The venerable ventriloquist stated that Ivanov was by no means laughing. Quite the contrary. While he was listening to Mr. Gulevitch, writer, his face was sour and doleful in the extreme. Mr. Egorov had been on the shore, and had heard and seen how at the end of the second anecdote Ivanov had clasped his head and exclaimed: “How stale and boring life is! What melancholy!”
It was after he uttered these words that he tumbled into the water.
The law will now have to decide which of the two depo-sitions is more credible. Mr. Gulevitch has been released on bail.
The death of Mr. Ivanov was not the first fatal incident in the Hermitage Park, and it is high time someone took measures to protect the public from future incidents of this nature... By the way, I’m only joking.
THE
POTATO
AND THE
TENOR
HOW DANGEROUS FOODS can sometimes be is seen in the following excerpt from the medical journal the Physician’s Whistle:
The other day I was convinced yet again of the danger of starchy foods (writes Dr. B.). The tenor Mr.—Sh mov visited me at the polyclinic, complaining of tightness and cramping of the throat. When I inspected his throat with a mirror, I noted that a potato the size of an egg was lodged against his vocal cords. The potato was already bloated and had begun to sprout. I asked the poor tenor how this had happened, and he explained that the potato had become embedded in his throat five years before, and had already borne fruit five times.
“In five years I have coughed up five sacks of potatoes!” he said with a bitter smile.
When I suggested that the patient undergo surgery, he refused point-blank, insisting that the potato in no way impeded his singing. I asked him to sing something. He was kind enough to oblige, and sang an aria from Cagliostro. Indeed, he could still sing.
“But isn’t it a problem that your voice resembles the howl of a young jackal?” I asked him.
“No, not at all,” the tenor answered.
The Physicians Whistle, NO. 22
MAYONNAISE
ASTRONOMERS REJOICED when they discovered spots on the face of the sun. A case of unparalleled malice!
An official took a bribe. At the very moment of the fall, his boss entered and looked suspiciously at his clenched fist, in which the illicit bank note lay. The official was deeply embarrassed.
“Excuse me!” he called after the petitioner, holding out his palm. “You forgot something in my hand!”
When is a goat a pig?
“Somebody’s goat had started coming over to our goats,” a landowner told us. “We caught the goat and gave it a good hiding. But it still kept coming over. So we gave it a real thrashing and tied a stick to its tail. But that didn’t help either. It still managed to get at our goats. Fine! We caught it, spread tobacco on its nose, and smeared it with turpentine. After that it didn’t show up for three days, but then there it was again! Now isn’t that goat a pig?”
Exemplary resourcefulness:
When the Saint Petersburg reporter N.Z. visited the tex-tile exhibition last year, he noticed one pavilion in particular and began writing something down.
“I think you just dropped a twenty-five ruble note,” the exhibitor in the pavilion said, handing him the note.
“I dropped two twenty-fivers!” the reporter shot back. The exhibitor was so amazed at this resourcefulness that he gave him a second twenty-fiver.
This really happened.
AT
A
PATIENTS
BEDSIDE
D OCTORS POPOV AND MILLER are standing by a patient’s bed, arguing.
POPOV: I must confess that I’m not a strong believer in conservative methods.
MILLER: My dear colleague, I haven’t said a word about conservatism... it’s up to you what you believe or don’t believe, what you acknowledge and what you don’t acknowledge. What I’m saying is we need, in concreto, a change in regime.
THE PATIENT: Oh! (With difficulty he rises from the bed, walks to the door, and peeks apprehensively into the next room.) Nowadays even the walls have ears!
POPOV: The patient is complaining about oppression—tightness in the chest—the feeling of not being allowed to breathe. "We’ll have to resort to strong measures.
The patient groans and looks fearfully toward the window.
MILLER: But before we go to extremes, I suggest we scrutinize his constitution.
THE PATIENT (turning pale): Gendemen, please don’t speak so loud! I’m a civil servant, a family man! People are walking by right outside the window.... I have servants! Oh!(He wrings his hands despairingly.)
MY
LOVE
SHE, AS MY PARENTS and my bosses authoritatively affirm, had been born before me. Whether this is true or not, all I know is that I don’t remember a single day in my life when I didn’t belong to her, when I didn’t feel under her power. She doesn’t leave my side night or day, and I myself would never think of walking out on her—our bond, you might say, is powerful, lasting. But do not be jealous, young girls reading these words! This touching bond brings me nothing but misery! First of all, in not leaving my side night or day, she will not let me do the things I need to do. She won’t let me read, write, go for walks, enjoy nature. Now, as I write these lines, she pulls me by the elbow and, like Cleopatra of ancient times, tries to drag me, her Antony, toward the bed. Secondly, she ruins me like a French courtesan. For her affections I have sacrificed everything: career, glory, and comfort. Because of her I go about dressed in rags, live in poor lodgings, eat meager scraps of food, write in pale ink. She consumes everything, everything—she is insatiable! I detest her, despise her! I should have sought a divorce long ago, but until now I haven’t done so—and not because Moscow lawyers charge four thousand for a divorce, either. We don’t have children so far. Oh, you would like to know her name? With pleasure. It is a name that begins with an L, as in Lily, Lizzy, Lalya.
Her name is: LAZINESS.
DOCTOR’S
ADVICE
FOR A COLD, TAKING EXTRACT of the hair of the dog that bit you is helpful, on an empty stomach on Saturdays.
Head-spinning can be stopped in the following manner: take two bits of string, tie your right ear to one wall, and your left ear to the wall facing it. As a result, your head s capacity to spin will be inhibited.
For arsenic poisoning, try to induce vomiting, which can be achieved by a sniff of food bought at the Okhotni Ryad market.
For strong and persistent coughing, try not to cough at all for three or four days, and your ailment will disappear on its own.
A
GLOSSARY
OF TERMS
FOR
YOUNG
LADIES
IF A DILIGENT SCHOOLGIRL loves studying physics, then this is physical love.
When young people declare love in a car, it’s carnal love.
If a young lady doesn’t love you, but your brother, then it’s brotherly love.