“You still feel responsible for his death, do you not, Duchess?”
I jumped up, startled. I had not seen anyone else in the cemetery. “Dr. Badmaev.” I curtsied, shaken by the way the Tibetan doctor seemed to have appeared out of nowhere.
His face was kind. “It was not your fault, Your Highness. It was the doctor’s fate to die on that day. Vampire or no.”
“But I should never have left him alone with Princess Cantacuzene. I was the only one who knew how dangerous she really was.” The only one besides Grand Duchess Miechen. And Queen Milena of Montenegro.
“Let go of the guilt, Duchess, or it will keep you its prisoner. Dr. Kruglevski would not have wanted that. What do you think he would have wanted you to do?”
I smiled sadly as I idly rearranged the flowers. “He would have expected me to attend medical school and become a brilliant doctor.”
“But the tsar will not let you leave the country.” The Tibetan doctor stood calmly with his hands clasped in front of him. The cold did not seem to bother him in the least.
“How do you know this?” When he showed no hint of replying, I sighed. “Of course not.” Despite what George had told me back in August, the tsar did not believe in women becoming doctors.
“There are other paths of medicine, Duchess, that do not require the tsar’s permission.”
I looked at him skeptically. “What do you mean?”
“I am offering you the opportunity to learn the secrets of Eastern medicine. Become my pupil. I have seen your gift, and I believe you would become an excellent doctor.”
I laughed bitterly. “My gift is unholy. I could not routinely return the dead to life. It would not be right.”
He shook his head with a smile. “I did not mean your dark ability. I know there are many who would use your gifts for unholy purposes, but I speak of your healing ability. It is related to the other, with your gift to see cold light, but it is important on its own. There are always two sides of every coin, Duchess. Light and dark. Day and night.”
“East and West?” I asked, and he nodded. “I’m sorry, but Eastern medicine consists of folk medicine and herbal remedies. I need to study the most modern research. Western medicine is more effective. One way or another, I must go to Zurich one day and become a proper doctor.”
His smile was still kind. “I will not withdraw the offer, Duchess. Come and visit me when you are ready to unite both sides of your own nature.” With a polite bow, Dr. Badmaev left me standing in the cemetery.
I was ashamed. I had insulted not only the man, but also his own country and beliefs. Even his own education, which I was certain had been just as intensive as Dr. Kruglevski’s. But if I wanted to earn the respect of other doctors, I would need a respectable degree. One day.
I shivered and drew my cloak around me more tightly. It was time to return to my mother. I took one last glance at Dr. Kruglevski’s grave before leaving him. What if I’d used my dark gift to bring him back? He would have been a monster, like Count Chermenensky. To bring someone back like that was not a kindness.
But what if I could find a way to perfect my gift? Retrieve someone from the dead and restore them to their previous life? Would it be possible? Would it be right? To defy the natural order of things would be unholy. Wouldn’t it? To deny the dead their eternal rest was a blasphemy. Would God have mercy on my own soul when my life was over? I was filled with dark thoughts as I hurried back through the cemetery.
The Tibetan had caused me to question my own motives for becoming a doctor. Was it truly a desire to help people or to express some suppressed desire to tamper with death? Perhaps my heart did belong with the Dark Court after all. Because it appeared to me that I certainly did not have a soul.
I hurried back through the cemetery only to stop and stare in shock as I saw a fresh grave, with several frost-covered bouquets wilting on top.NATALIA MAXIMILIANOVNA METCHERSKEY
BELOVED TEACHER AND FRIEND
31 JULY 1819–30 DECEMBER 1889
Beloved? I shook my head. I wondered who had ever loved this brittle and coldhearted woman. Madame Metcherskey had always been nasty to me, as well as to the rest of the girls at Smolny. Still, I felt bad about her passing. I crossed myself and said a short prayer for her before continuing on.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Going back to Smolny was not as bad as it had been in September. It was even worse. I knew it would only be a few more months before the winter term was over, but I was determined to deal with the young ghost. I was surprised to find myself almost happy to see Alix and Aurora and the Bavarian princesses again. Elena would not stop talking about her new baby brother. Erzsebet and Augusta would not stop talking about the upcoming St. Petersburg winter season. “There will be ballets and operas, and so many balls! Our cousin has finally been presented to the empress and she will be attending all of the festivities! She’s promised to write us daily and tell us everything!”
Princess Alix unpacked her small suitcase and stayed silent. When the princesses asked about her holiday, she only smiled and shrugged.
“She tries to be so mysterious, when there is nothing to be mysterious about,” Elena whispered to me later, as we walked to the dining hall for dinner. “She is so dull!”
“Then why does she bother you so much?” I asked.
Elena sighed, frustrated. “I suppose part of it is the way the tsarevitch looked at her when they danced at the Smolny Ball.”
I found myself feeling sorry for the Montenegrin princess. I squeezed her hand. “He’s not for you, Elena.”
She pushed my hand away. “What do you know of it? He has always belonged to me!” Tears formed in her eyes.
“Elena—”
With a cry, she stormed past me, back to our room. I watched her leave with worry. I was starting to believe she really loved Nicholas Alexandrovich.
I sighed. And what if Alix had done more than just catch the tsarevitch’s eye? She was the granddaughter of Queen Victoria, but not someone his parents would approve of for such an important alliance. Elena was the daughter of a king. Even if he was a poor king. He was still a very powerful man. And a dangerous one at that.
“Are you coming to dinner?” Augusta asked as she met me in the hall. “There is a new cook, we heard. He used to work for the Yussopov family.”
I smiled. Maman and Papa both had commented several times before on the splendid dinners they’d had at the Yussopov Palace. Princess Zenaida Yussopova was the richest woman in St. Petersburg, with more wealth than the imperial family. I was sure the cook was used to a kitchen pantry stocked with the freshest and rarest foods. What culinary magic he would be able to perform with our simple Smolny kitchen, I couldn’t wait to discover.
As I passed the library, I saw something moving from the corner of my eye. Something dark and large and fast. I stopped and peeked inside. Of course there was nothing. No one was in the tiny reading room, alive or dead. My heart beat wildly, but I took a deep breath and hurried on to the dining hall. I needed a good supper and then a good night’s sleep.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
I slept very well my first night back at Smolny, after a wonderful dinner of potato and cabbage soup. No tossing or turning, and no strange or frightening dreams. I awoke the next morning feeling better than I had in months. Everyone seemed to be in brighter spirits, even the Montenegrin princess. Elena smiled at me and Aurora both as she hopped out of bed and got dressed. And Aurora smiled back.
Even with our brief memorial service honoring Madame Metcherskey, the somber mood at Smolny seemed to have changed. Madame Tomilov and Madame Orbellani were smiling at everyone over breakfast as well. There was a lightness to everyone’s mood. Sister Anna decided to sing our morning grace before breakfast. Her voice was a very sweet, pure alto.