In fine we parted a second time, and I did what I thought a magnanimous thing. I ordered my agent to pay over to her my entire private fortune,?150 a year. I was laughed at by all my dear friends for my folly.
Then came a series of disasters. Our family solicitors, a firm that had managed the affairs of the family for three generations, turned knaves, and my poor mother was plundered of all her property.
She was obliged to dismiss all her servants and send her furniture and carriage to the hammer. A country baronet, a man of fortune, a relative of hers, came to her aid and allowed her a hundred a year, and a small house at Brixton received her and her wrecked fortunes. I took an affecting farewell of my dear parent.
'But what will you do, my poor boy?' said the affectionate creature.
'Earn my living, mother, I hope, and help you,' said I. We parted.
For two years I drove the Cambridge mail, but not under my own name. I made about three hundred a year and have reason to think I was much liked on the road. The adventures of that part of my life alone would form a volume, but as this proposes to be an erotic autobiography, I abstain. The advance of the railway system closed this avenue of my career at last. Then I started some fencing rooms in London. Some time after I had become thus engaged, my wife, I could never learn how, found me out. She called upon me, she was beautiful as ever, there was a scene of course, it ended by my agreeing to live with her again. The gods alone know how many infidelities I had committed since we had parted six years before. She never knew them. I accompanied her to the depths of Hampshire, to a certainly charming cottage she had there in a remote hamlet, not a hundred miles from Winchester. Now, it was an anomaly in her character that she, with all her fanaticism, all her pride, should condescend to a meanness. I thought it paltry, and I told her so frankly on our journey, but she represented to me that she had always spoken of me as her husband, Captain S-, and nothing would do but I must be Captain S-.
'But you know,' said I, 'I resigned the service, and have no claim to the title.'
'You have the claim by courtesy,' she said, 'I know several people who call themselves captain and major, merely because that was their rank when they sold out. So you may set your conscience at rest.' I yielded the point.
The cottage was charming, the garden full of flowers, the poultry yard perfect, the pony chaise a bijou, the pony, a rough Welsh one, which required no grooming.
There was an orchard, a meadow, and a little Alderney cow; there was only one servant, a blooming, bouncing, buxom girl of sixteen, who did everything and thought herself 'passing rich on six pounds a year'.
Now let the casuists explain it, I cannot, but the three years I passed in this delightful spot -
The world forgetting,
By the world forgot -
were the happiest of my chequered existence.
Augusta would strip naked, place herself in any attitude, let me gamahuche her, would gamahuche in her turn, indulged all my whimsies, followed me about like a faithful dog — obtained good shooting for me in the season, and a good mount if I would hunt. Then the squire showed us every attention; the rector and his wife were profuse in their civilities; I had as many whist parties and dinners as I could desire; and all this time I abstained from the blooming servant-maid; I was faithful for three years.
I! A rake, a man about town, fond of gaiety, of theatres, of variety, of conviviality, say — ye casuists — how was it? But so it was; and, sooth to say, I was very happy; a bold rider, I rode with the foremost; a good shot, I bagged my whack of game; while my anecdotes of Indian shirkarree (hunting), and of 'pig sticking', delighted the squire; and here I may observe that it soon got to be pretty well known that I had driven the Cambridge mail, but so far from injuring me, it made me the more sought after; in those days many a swell had 'taken to the road', and the examples of Sir Vincent Cotton, Lord C- and Sir Charles R- were sufficient to prove that a gentleman might do this.
What with an occasional invitation to the mess, to the squire's or to the rectory, what with hunting and shooting and gardening and fishing, I did not find a country life so triste as I had expected.
Then Augusta knew how to please me, when she liked; nothing could exceed her cleverness in the art of manipulation; she had large and firm breasts, a small and round waist and most voluptuous development of hips; her hands and arms were well turned and handsome. What gamahuching there was — what blisses celestial — the gods and I alone know. And thus passed three golden years, the happiest in my life. From this dream I was awakened by my wife becoming enceinte; from that moment 'a change came o'er the spirit of the dream'. Her whole thoughts were now given up to the
'little stranger' we expected, all day long nothing was to be seen but baby clothes lying about the room; she could talk of nothing but baby — drew off my marital amusements, cooled wonderfully in her manner and finally drove me, as it were, to seek elsewhere for the pleasures I no longer found at home.
When the child was born, matters became worse, everything was neglected for the young usurper.
My comforts all disappeared, and at length I became so disgusted that I left her, and going up to town had a long interview with my relative Lord E-.
The earl seemed to think I had been ill-used, and gave me a cheque on his banker; I took up my quarters at the Old Hummuns in Covent Garden for a week, to reflect on the next step I must take.
But as a man cannot sit all day yawning over the paper without getting deucedly hipped, I determined to go to Drury Lane Theatre.
So dining upon the best the house afforded at six, by half-past seven I found myself in a capital seat in front of the dress circle. In those days it was a dress circle, where the ladies always appeared in extremely low dresses, naked arms and diamonds (if they had any), and the men in white waistcoats, neckcloth and gloves, black coat and continuations.
That is all changed now. But to resume. I had not taken my seat more than ten minutes when I became aware that a lady in a side box was examining me with her lorgnette with great earnestness. I raised my own and levelled it at the fair creature, whoever she might be, in the private box.
'Yes it is certainly her! no, it cannot be! yes, by Jove! it is Mrs B- herself' I had not seen her for eleven years. By gaslight, and elegantly dressed as she was, it was not possible at so great a distance to see if time had made any havoc in her charms, but I was pleased to see that her only companion was a beautiful girl of fourteen or fifteen; I bowed with empressement, she made a gesture with her hand, I arose and joined her in her private box. There were so many enquiries to make on both sides, that we no longer took any notice of the performance.
After I had narrated my matrimonial escapade — and as many of my adventures as I thought it prudent to tell — she related to me that her husband had been dead about four years; that she was a widow, and intended to remain one; that she had eight hundred a year, and a nice house in Porchester Terrace, Hyde Park; that the young lady was a niece of her husband's, an orphan entirely dependent on her; that she would not disguise from me that she had entertained gentlemen sometimes when they took her fancy, and wound up by inviting me to go and visit her for a month. No invitation could have come so opportune, and I accepted it with all the more pleasure as it proved to me that she still took an interest in her old flame. She had never had any children.
While we were talking we had gradually withdrawn ourselves behind the curtain of the box; I had drawn her on my knee with her clothes up, my right hand was slapping her great bottom, which I rejoiced to find had increased in dimensions and was as hard as ever; with my left I explored the grotto of love, which was only altered by the profusion of silky curls that now entwined themselves like the tendrils of a vine around the face of it.