‘Sit down.’
‘No – I mean, I am tired, but would you mind if we went straight home?’
‘Wouldn’t you like to rest?’
‘No… Please…’
Outside in the silent streets I told him what Monsieur Beloborodov had said. Pasha nodded, holding my arm against his, and was quiet for a long time. The temperature had risen and it began to snow in the darkness. Soft, unhurried cascades of snow fell all around us, obscuring the whole world except for the few feet immediately before us. Large flakes melted on my padded coat, now frayed and threadbare. I regretted the loss of its cosy astrakhan collar – too bourgeois to wear safely in the street, so I had bartered it, like everything. All was gone, scattered, broken. Again tears were prickling at my eyes, and I wiped them away furiously. I turned, and caught Pasha looking at me, such a sad expression on his face.
‘Much though it pains me to say it,’ he murmured, hesitating, ‘I think the time has come for you to go home.’
‘What? Go home, now? Are you mad? I can’t go anywhere until we’ve found him. You see, I talked to Pelyagin. I’m – I’m terrified I said something that might have harmed Nikita…’
I suppose that was the closest I ever came to a confession, until I began to write this.
Pasha dismissed it. ‘Yes, yes, but where do you intend to look now? You think your Cheka friend will show you the way to Lab 37? This isn’t nice tidy England, you know. There aren’t necessarily answers to questions in Russia.’
‘You’re giving up!’ I stopped in the middle of the road and turned to face him. ‘You’re surrendering! I can’t believe it!’ I was so enraged that I took him by the arms and shook him, shouting in his face. ‘Pasha, you can’t give up!’
‘I’m not.’ He spoke very quietly. ‘But this isn’t your quarrel. It isn’t your fate. Why sacrifice yourself for no reason? You have a baby to think of now. You should go back to England and raise your child in peace.’
I gazed at him. How he had changed. I remembered him in the garden at Gagarinsky Lane reading Khlebnikov – ‘O laugh it out, you laughsters!’ So light, he was then, like a beacon, warming us all.
‘And what about you?’
‘I’ll carry on. I’ll work for the Revolution. I suppose I’ll –’ he gave me a twisted smile – ‘I’ll find someone else to love.’
‘What?’
I was aware suddenly that he was trembling. We stopped in the cart-tracks and the warm, wet snow fell on us both. It highlighted every fold in Pasha’s coat, his hat, his eyebrows.
‘What… what do you mean?’
‘Milaya moya, don’t tell me you didn’t know… I love you. I’ve always loved you. I fell in love with you from the moment you arrived in our house – you gave me a look, a sort of considering look, and you laughed, and I’d never heard a woman laugh like that before. I’ve been trying to make you laugh ever since.’
I felt rather than heard him say it – a physical jolt, as though all the cells in my body were realigning themselves. I opened my mouth and only a stammer emerged.
‘I know what you feel for Slavkin,’ he went on. ‘I’m not a fool. When we returned from the south and I saw how you glanced at him, I could have slit my throat. How many times have I wished I didn’t go with my parents? I’ve seen you suffer from his treatment of you. I’ve suffered with you. When I heard about the child, I felt so angry – so furious with him. Then I tried to put my ego aside and think only of you and the child. I’ve done my best to look after you both – but now I beg you, go back to England. There’s been so much unnecessary death already. You’re a foreigner here, and these people hate foreigners. Please, Gerty, do it for me.’
‘Pasha—’ I reached forward, unthinking, and touched his cheek. He caught my hand and suddenly we were kissing in the middle of the street, and I was crying, and so was he. All alone in the darkness, with a curtain of huge dirty snowflakes to shield us, we kissed each other. And it was as though a great river had overflowed inside me and I was carried along on the surge and suddenly all the struggle, all the hard, dry slog of life dissolved and it was easy, and warm, and irresistible.
19
I woke in the night, as though someone had tapped me on the shoulder. Pasha lay on his pallet beside me. A sentence was running through my mind. ‘He’s not being held by the Cheka.’ I knew what to do. I thought it through again, trying to fix it in my mind. Then I slept.
At six in the morning I got up and packed a small bundle. I took the last few coins from underneath the floorboard in the corner – the remains of the valuables that in the summer of 1918 Sonya and I had sewn into the hem of her coat. I removed a stone from the back of the fireplace and took out the Mauser that Monsieur Kobelev had left in my care. Dubiously, I blew the dust off it. I had no idea how to fire it, or even if it was loaded, but it hardly mattered.
‘Busy?’
I jumped. ‘Lord, Pasha, don’t frighten me like that! Not when I’m holding this thing!’
‘Yes, what the hell are you doing with it, may I ask?’
‘I’ve thought of something. I mean, I’ve remembered something that I think might help Nikita. Meet me in a couple of hours in front of the National—’
But Pasha grabbed my arm. ‘No. I’m coming with you now.’ He was already pulling on his coat and boots. ‘How dare you try to leave me here, you bloody… Galliffet.’
Despite myself I laughed and he smiled slightly. ‘What is your plan then?’
‘You don’t have to come in the building with me – there’s no need for both of us to be implicated. Wait outside, I’ll need you when I get out. I’m going to see Pelyagin. Just show me how to use this thing, would you?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous! What good will a gun do you? If you fire it, they’ll arrest you immediately. And even if you don’t, you’ll be searched at the door of the National and that’s the end of you as well as any chance of saving Nikita.’
I grimaced at him and put it back. ‘I suppose you’re right. It was just to give me courage. I’ll tell you the plan as we walk, shall I? On one condition – you promise not to try to stop me.’
I explained as we trudged through the deep snow towards the centre. Every few moments I had to stop and catch my breath. The moment I stopped, the baby began to turn inside me. Be calm, I willed it. This is for you.
The first pinkish tinge of dawn was in the sky by the time we reached the National. Pasha took both my hands and gave me a serious look. I knew what it meant. We could still turn around and go on with our lives. ‘Are you sure?’ he whispered.
I leant my forehead against his for a long moment. ‘I’m sure.’
‘So – I’ll wait for you here. I’ll do what I can about transport. If you don’t appear within an hour, I’m coming in to find you.’
Sweat was running down the back of my neck as I approached the main entrance. I had no pass to get me into the building. The baby kicked me sharply, so hard I saw the bulge through my coat.
‘Pass,’ said the guard. ‘Oh, it’s you.’
I smiled at him. ‘Yes, just me – here to see Pelyagin as usual. I brought you something to thank you for clearing up after me that other time.’ I pushed a lump of barley sugar that I had miraculously discovered at the back of the cupboard into his hands. The boy’s eyes lit up.
‘Wait.’ He stopped me suddenly. ‘He told me you weren’t giving him lessons any more.’