“Don’t remind me of things I already know, Qamir!”
The skele-bros pull themselves out of the door.
“They’re not buying it,” I tell Frederik. “I’m going to break down
the door.”
Before he can stop me, I slam shoulder first into the metal. The
pain blinds me. I swallow a scream and stand back up.
“It’s solid steel molded by fairy fire,” Frederik says.
Then the door opens and the skele-bros stand beside it. They’re
the same height with skin that clings to their bones without the
imprint of muscle. They’re walking, talking mummies. Without the door
standing in our way, they smell like it too.
Qittar ushers us into a dimly lit room with plush, black velvet
walls and elaborate chandeliers. A quartet of blue-faced men fill the
room with deep, vibrating music that gives the room a pulsing effect.
Two dozen or so tables are lined up in rows of three. A silver
bell and a long-stemmed black rose sit in the exact middle of each
one. Different men-of sorts-take empty seats. A hard nudge shoves me
toward an empty table.
I nod at the fellow beside me. He has small tusks protruding from
his square jaw. His hair is down to his back in a thick, black twist.
He winks a silver eye and fixes the front of his T-shirt.
“First time?” he asks.
In front of me, a large slime-man passes gas and I hold my hand to
my nose, nodding. “Yep. You?”
“I was here last month,” Tusks says.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but why are you doing underground
speed dating? You’re a pretty good-looking dude.”
He points to the small tusks on his chin. “My mom says it was by
the mercy of the Blood Goddess Hecinda that I didn’t inherit my
father’s nose.”
I snort then apologize.
“It’s quite all right. I’m just doing this for my parents. Our
dimension was turned into a black hole by a nasty conjurer. Now most
of us live in the Bronx. White Plains. But my mom’s all like ‘You need
to bring home a nice Vasiki woman.’ I’m related to all the women in my
clan. What about you? What’s wrong with you?”
There’s an essay I don’t want to write. “I’m Tristan.”
“Ewin.”
Then his eyes fall on someone, and when I turn to see, he’s got
his eyes fixed on Kai. She sweeps her hair over one shoulder and
twists one end over and over.
“Oh,” Ewin says. “Oh, I like her.”
“Welcome!” Qittar says to the crowd. He has the charm of a used
car salesman with a lot full of lemons and a one-way ticket to Mexico
in his pocket.
A man covered in hair from head to toe takes a mustache comb out
of his back pocket and combs the hair on his neck.
I glance at Frederik one table across from me and hope that my
alarm is conveyed in my eyes. He shrugs and holds out a hand that is
meant to pacify me but only makes me fidget in my seat.
“Don’t be nervous,” Ewin says to me.
“Gentlemen,” Qittar says. “Ladies. Welcome to the tried and true
tradition that is the ritual of the Goddess Selene.” He pulls the
microphone cord to move with him as he walks through the tables like a
game-show host.
“For millennia, our order has created trusted matches. Helen and
Menelaus. Catherine and Henry. Brad and Jennifer.”
“Those are not very good examples,” I whisper to the guy on my
right.
“Now! These are the rules. The rotation starts when the lights
flicker. Qamir, my apprentice, will hit the buzzer. You have one
minute to be sure this is the mate for you.”
A nervous rustle of clothes suggests that his challenge has been
accepted.
“And when you know she is the one, you give her the black rose. If
she takes it, then our work here is done and done. Nothing makes me
happier than matches made underground. S н , me gusta, xi huan, ani
ohev! ” His chuckle drags on but stops abruptly. “If she doesn’t-then,
not to worry! You get two more nights, not refundable of course. Yes,
you with the fur?”
Furry Man twiddles his fingers nervously as everyone turns to look
at him. “This is my first time. I know there are three nights. But
what if you don’t find your match in these three nights?”
Qittar clenches his teeth in a fake smile. “Under the rare and
extremely improbable chance that our beauties are not to your liking,
then have no fear! We are a monthly ritual. Please see Qamir about a
yearly discount at the door.”
Someone else raises a hand, but Qittar acts like he doesn’t see
it.
Then, among the girls, I see her-Shelly! She’s in one of her
oracle shrouds that remind me of the saris our neighbor Mrs. Patel
wears. I know it’s Shelly-the pale white of her skin, the deep black
eyes so much like those of the Tree Mother in the Vale of Tears.
Except Shelly looks different. I only saw her two days ago. Is she
taller? Did she lose weight? She sees Marty and Fred, and when she
settles her eyes on me, it’s like I asked her to smell my armpit.
The lights flicker and suddenly there’s a giantess sitting in
front of me. She has one blue eye lined with a double cat’s tail and a
huge fake eyelash. She bats it and takes my hand.
“Una,” she says.
“ Dos-tres ,” I say nervously, trying to pry my fingers from her
viselike grip.
“Strange name.” She smiles. Her dress is Pepto pink against her
blue skin.
“You look nervous. Do you want a massage?”
Something about the cock of her single eyebrow has me blurting
out, “No!”
The buzzer hits and then we switch. Marty does his best penguin
impression for a goth girl who doesn’t know which way to run. A lady
in white skips me completely and goes straight to Frederik’s table.
The vampire glances at me with a smug-ass smile.
Off to the side, Una and the slime man have made a match. There’s
radio applause from the DJ station where Qamir pushes buttons.
“Kai!” I say when she sits across from me. “Thank God. Okay.
Plan-When Shelly sits here, I’ll give her the rose. Then we make a
break for it.”
“I don’t think the skeleton men are going to be too happy about
that.” She bites her lip. She’s still and keeps a hand over the hilt
of her sheathed sword. “They take this very seriously.”
“Then they should’ve just sent out Shelly when I asked.”
The buzzer makes us both jump, and she gives me a warning glance.
Finally, Shelly is at my table.
“You look beautiful,” I say genuinely. “Did you do something with
your hair? Not that you don’t always look nice.”
A lion’s grumble sounds in her stomach. “You shouldn’t be here.
This is an invasion of privacy.”
“Shelly, you have to listen to me. I went to your sister, the Tree
Mother, and she showed me things. I need you to put up a barrier so
Nieve and Kurt can’t see me coming. We’re all connected. Even Kurt,
that son of-Shelly, they could be looking at us right now!”
She purses her lips and glares into my eyes. “They’re not. Not
this moment, at least.”
“Then you see?” My voice is on the verge of squeakiness. “I need
you to help me make it stop.”
“The oracles are not supposed to interfere.”
I laugh. “Tell that to your big sister Lucine.”
Bzzzzzzzz.
She stares at the face of the black rose I’m extending. She knows
that I’m right. She reaches out and takes it. The radio applause
cheers as another couple gets together. Then I realize people are
clapping in our direction. I nod my head at Marty and Frederik, who
give each other a black rose. Frederik holds his hand out to Kai.
Kai makes it halfway across the tables when a demon man grabs her