Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!
Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails…okay you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before.
Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.
Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.
Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're not serious." Useless git.
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.
Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.
In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.
Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!
The Very Secret Diary of Peregrin Took
I know I said it would be Merry's Diary, but it's Pippin's. Oh, and the next person who tells me Legolas' father's name is not Weenus gets an arrow in the eye.:D I know perfectly well it isn't. I just don't care.:D
Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Had a nice little roll around with Frodo in corn before was forcibly removed by Sam. Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get overly familiar and grabby.
Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed that he broke his carrot. After he found one that was just the right shape, too.
V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with Sam though. Constantly sopping wet and reeking of strawberries. Also tired of elves mistaking me for unusually lifelike lawn ornament.
Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone v. nice except Legolas seems a bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse until I admitted he was the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel like pointing out he was only elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep.
Has been twenty-five days since met Aragorn and he has not yet washed his hair. Is really starting to bother me.
Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to go for a walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of Gondor. Can’t wait.
Later that night
Always thought blowing the Horn of Gondor was supposed to summon armies of the West?
Apparently not.
V. educational, all the same.
V. dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of a relief as means Boromir cannot corner me and complain how Aragorn is insensitive, stuck up git with hobbit fixation. Pot calling kettle black if you ask me. Aragorn obviously way into Frodo, however. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragorn’s boots, thus explaining why Aragorn keeps collapsing into his arms. Tricky elf.
Aragorn still hasn’t washed his hair.
Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In attempt to cheer up Fellowship, Legolas took off all his clothes and performed scenes from Silmarillion: The Musical. Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced off to have 3,000-year-old elf prince sulk.
Lothlorien v. pretty. Accidentally walked in on Gimli taking a bath. Now understand what Gandalf meant about there being scarier things than Orcs. And was that Aragorn hiding under all the bubbles? May have nightmares for weeks.
Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah.
Maybe it really was him under all the bubbles.
Boromir wrote me a poem. Merry says I am leading him on. Of course, Merry also says I cry like a girl. Merry a total bastard most of the time, actually.
Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel slighted.
Told Boromir I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got himself shot by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so oversensitive sometimes.
Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not very friendly types. Merry says we may have to shag our way out of captivity. Suspect Merry looking forward to it, useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly. Suddenly miss Boromir.
The Very Secret Diary of Saruman the White
Dedicated to whoever bought me a paid LJ account. I thank you, oh silent benefactor. That was awfully nice.
Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru.
Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.
Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks like.
Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except of one v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or perhaps hairy. Have heard some v. bad stories about palantir relationships. Should probably cool it for a while.
Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor. Just my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or hairy, just disembodied force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to scourge the earth. Also, have manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping nails pointy.
Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me.
Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf. Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt more effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast.