The kind, thoughtful girl considered that if her dear Alfred were taken ill in the middle of the night, he would be so far away from any assistance she could render him, and, worse still, he might be afflicted with that terrible complaint known in the medical vocabulary as 'prickstand', in which case he would be inconveniently far from her bed and a great deal too near Lucy's.
The result of this prudent arrangement was that the young dragoon did not occupy the luxurious bed allotted to him at all, but partially undressed, devoted half-an-hour to a fascinating book of a decidedly lascivious character. When that space of time elapsed, he made pretty certain of two matters; first, that his respected uncle was in bed and sleeping the first sleep of the just, and secondly, that notwithstanding his delightful encounters with his lovely cousin, in the course of the day, he was perfectly able to do her as much justice as she could possibly desire in the fucking department. Under this impression, he noiselessly glided from his room to Eliza's, the door of which, he quietly opened.
'Is that you, dear Alfred?' asked the young lady, neither surprised nor frightened; indeed the probability was that she had been expecting him, for she was wide awake and a dim lamp was burning in her room.
'Bolt the door gently,' she continued, 'and come to bed. You know after what Papa said this evening, I consider you as good as my husband now. But my goodness, Alfred, you have not got your sheath on, and how awfully stiff you are!'
To this the young gentleman made reply to the effect that he supposed the painful stiffness would be cured in a couple of minutes, and that with regard to the condom, as he expected his darling Eliza would become his wife in less than a month, that useful precaution was no longer necessary. The young lady assented, as indeed she would have assented to anything her lover proposed, and as he entered her luxurious couch, folded him in something more luxurious still, throwing her soft white arms around him, and placing one of her beautiful legs over him as he lay. We shall not detain our reader long in the lady's bedroom, as the lovers, being calmer than usual after the day's enjoyments, were disposed to be rational, somewhat in the manner of married couples after the honeymoon; so that the proceedings comprised a judicious amount of straightforward fucking, variegated by alternations of refreshing slumber, enjoyed in each other's arms. But this quiet domestic sort of rogering, as it may be termed, is singularly effective in its results, though not as full of incident and excitement as more impromptu and passionate licentiousness-at any rate, one thing is pretty certain: that when Captain Torrant crept quietly back to his room about five o'clock in the morning, he had planted something in his cousin's garden, which bore fruit nine months afterwards in the shape of a fine boy.
After breakfast, the young gentleman mounted his tandem-cart, attended by his faithful Robert. On the sly he had taken the most loving farewell of Eliza, and without that secrecy, a most affectionate one of his uncle, who promised everything that was good natured, both with regard to his promotion in the service and his marriage to Eliza.
All this was very agreeable to Alfred, although he certainly considered that his uncle's ready regard for his interest was partially attributed to his desire to get his daughter married and out of his house, before introducing a new Mrs. Bonham as mistress thereof. But whatever the cause, the experienced commander sensibly reflected that it was his duty to take advantage of his uncle's liberality while he could. Serenely turning these matters over in his mind, he arrived at the barracks, where he was welcomed by his brother officers, with whom he was a decided favourite, each in his own peculiar way. The Colonel, in a polite, man-of-the-world style, hoped that he had had a pleasant visit, and wanted to know when he might be presented to Mrs.
Alfred Torrant. The Colonel did not like his officers to marry except with wealthy and handsome women; money of course was an advantage in the regiment, whoever it belonged to, and the Colonel liked pretty women-maids, wives and widows; so as Alfred bade fair to acquire both advantages united, the Colonel wished all success to his suit. Major Pobjoy remarked that it was not always that a young man had a prospect of so many worldly advantages, together with the blessing of a regenerate father-in-law. To which Alfred-who did not care much about the Major, as he was leaving the corps, — replied that he did not know what a 'regenerate' meant, but if it meant religious, his venerated relative was a devilish good fellow, but rather too strong on that point.
'He read us an epistle, or a chapter, or something last night, Colonel. He did, I assure you,' said Alfred, addressing his superior officer. 'The first epistle of Saint Jeroboam to the Rechabites, or some such people, and it was all I could do to live through it, thought I should have yawned my head off-upon my word I did.'
Thus saying, the Captain toddled off to his quarters, out of hearing of the irreverent comments of divers of his younger comrades, some of whom opined that if Torrant was not married to Miss Bonham, the sooner he was the better, while one of the lot, Julius Larkyns, gave it as his opinion that Alfred looked as if he were married already.
A shrewd remark-founded upon Alfred's subdued appearance-for which our readers who have borne that young gentleman company during the past twenty-four hours, will feel disposed to give Captain Larkyns credit. This gentleman with one or two others of the same kidney, were speedily summoned to a conference by Alfred, he being suddenly smitten with an idea that a messenger might be very shortly expected at the barracks enquiring for Major Ringtail, in order to serve him either a summons before a magistrate, or to deliver him a lawyer's letter, threatening an action of damages for defamation of character.
And as Captain Torrant had nothing to do until he received Rosa's address from Eliza, it struck him that it would be a pleasant and profitable method of spending his leisure time, if he and his companions in arms were to get somebody to impersonate the Major, and thereby get some fun out of the victimized Stiggins, and the unfortunate Miss Larcher. Words are faint to describe the delights expressed by the young officers of HM's 51st Dragoons on hearing such an agreeable game proposed to them; and their respect for their friend's henchman, Robert, as a mischief-maker, liar and blackguard generally, amounted to something very like reverence. But it would never do to let him personate the Major, for he might be brought into contact with Mrs. Fielding and be recognized, but as one of the lieutenants piously remarked: 'Thank God there are plenty more scamps in the corps, and we shall find one clever enough to impersonate the Major or anyone else for that matter.'
The first thing to do was to warn the sentry on duty not to refuse anyone admittance who came asking for Major Ringtail, the second thing to do was to dress up Julius Larkyns' man in a shooting coat belonging to that gentleman, and arranging that he should occupy his master's quarters, as soon as Stiggins or any of his missionaries made their appearance.
This was not very long in happening, for Larkyns, who was smoking a cigar, with his head out of the window, suddenly exclaimed: 'Here he is! That must be him, I'll go and direct him up here. You stay here you fellows!' addressing Torrant and three or four more, 'you are only keeping the Major company in weed, you know!'
So saying off he went, and his friends followed the idea, saw him accosting a fat, bloated, pale-faced unwholesome looking man, who seemed staring about half-bewildered in the barracks yard. Under the kind pilotage of Captain Larkyns the doubt was soon solved, and the hapless Stiggins entered the room of the so-called Major Ringtail. On entering, Captain Larkyns gravely addressed his man Tom with: 'Sorry to intrude upon you Major, but this party was looking for you, and I thought it was well to bring him up to your quarters.'