'Quite right, my boy, as long as he isn't a dun,' readily replied the soidisant Major.
'I am no dun, sir,' answered Stiggins, intending to be majestic, but rather taken aback upon seeing what a knot of daredevil looking youngsters he had intruded among. 'I am a minister of the word, sir, an 'umble apostle of the truth sir, and my name is Stiggins!'
'Oh, indeed!' was the cool reply, 'sit down, Mr. Stiggins, glad to see youyou're the man that buggered the pig, ain't you? Interesting zoological pursuit, I should imagine! Julius, mix a little refreshment for Mr.
Stiggins, he must be thirsty after his walk.'
The pious man half rose from his seat and essayed to speak, but he could not. He stuttered and gasped, and his eyes rolled in his head, while his pasty looking face became purple. While he was thus endeavouring to give vent to his indignation, Captain Larkyns adopted the hint of his quick-witted man, made him some 'refreshing' drink. He got hold of a rum bottle and half filled a tumbler, then he was going to administer a trifling modicum of water, but Torrant took the jug away and gave him in its place a bottle of gin. A portion of this added to the rum made a cool wholesome mixture; the flavour being slightly modified by a lump of ice, three or four bits of sugar, a piece of lemon and some nutmeg. To this fearful compound, Larkyns gave the impromptu title of 'The Prince's Mixture'.
Gravely addressing the almost convulsed preacher, the young officer said: 'You seem rather unwell, reverend sir, wearied in body and somewhat troubled in spirit, perchance? Pray allow me to adopt our worthy Major's suggestion, and offer you a slight refreshment. It was considered a valuable stomachic by that model of all the monarchsthe late George the Fourth-named Prince's Mixture, in his honour when Regent.'
'Under those circumstances, young man,' replied Stiggins, majestically, 'I shall lay aside the conscientious scruples which I entertain against drinking anything but the water of the brook; but being in duty bound to reverence the powers that be, I feel myself called upon to follow the example of the august monarch you have named.'
Hereupon, reducing his features to something like a human expression, he took a pretty fair pull of the dangerous compound; remarking, as he placed the half emptied tumbler on the table, that it was somewhat potent.
'Not at all,' replied Larkyns, 'it is only your Reverence's water drinking habits that make you fancy everything else strong in taste.'
'Truly it may be so, but my business here is with Major Ringtail,' replied Stiggins, turning to address that individual. 'There is a terrible story spread abroad sir, to the effect of my having been seen in an unseemly position with a swine, and that you have been heard to accuse me of that indiscretion without any consequences resulting on my part, and I have come here not only to put a stop to such abominable reports, but also to demand satisfaction in some shape or other. Indeed, I consider it due to myself as a preacher of the word, to have amends made to me in a pecuniary sense, for the damage my character has sustained.'
To this exordium the so-called Major made no reply, but Larkyns quietly slipped a wine glass full of Scotch whisky into his reverence's tumbler, while Torrant coolly said:
'I presume Major, that your friend here is the party who was accused of fucking the old sow, in Fanner Godson's pig-stye?'
'Nothing of the sort sir! It's an infamous falsehood!' shrieked Stiggins, rising from his chair and stamping in high wrath.
'Take it easy, my friend, take it easy,' continued Alfred, 'anybody may be mistaken.'
'Oh certainly!' interrupted the mollified pastor, taking a big drink.
'And if you preferred buggering a pig to fucking a sow, I don't see that it is anybody's business!'
Here there was another outbreak on the part of Stiggins, drowned however by the roars of laughter following Alfred's peace-making amendment. All that could be distinguished was a heap of broken sentences, such as: 'Go to magistrates-bring action-defamation c'racter-spectable lady member cong-g-ration, Miss Larcher, thousand pounds damages!'
'Silence, gentlemen, if you please, a lady's name is mentioned! Let us be cool and hear all about it!'
This was from Captain Torrant.
'And take your drink, Mr. Stiggins,' said Julius, 'have another lump of ice in it?'
'Not because you tell me, young man,' replied the holy man in an offensive tone, 'but because I am a free agent and shall do as I like.'
So saying, to the unconcealed delight of the young scapegraces, he took a little more rum and another lump of ice. Then being anxiously pressed by the Major to know if he had any fresh accusation to make regarding Miss Larcher, he began such a rigmarole about the Major having fucked that much injured lady, and not having done so, and only spreading a lying report to that effect, and that he had never been kicked out of the barracks-not he indeed! — he would like to see the pig that would fuck him out of barracks; and he would bring an action against Miss Larcher, that he would.
'I presume the long and short of the story, Mr. Stiggins, is that you fucked Miss Larcher,' said Captain Larkyns, continuing with an appearance of great interest. 'Well, I never did roger a girl in chapel myself, during divine service, but I have no doubt there is a certain piquancy in it. Did she make a pretty good fuck, Stiggins? Had she a fat arse?'
There is no telling what answer that sainted man might have made in return, for drink and indignation had made him half mad. But the question was immediately started whether it was not the pig who committed himself with Miss Larcher in the chapel, and one of the young sinners bawled out one thing and one another, till the whole question of the pig, Miss Larcher, the chapel, Major Ringtail and the barracks was involved in chaos. One thing was plain enough, Stiggins was drunk.
Then arose the question: what was to be done with him? Finally, it was resolved to adopt Captain Larkyns' views. He suggested that their respected victim would be in a state of total unconsciousness, and that a strong solution of gum, if glue or tar could not be had, should be applied to the sainted countenance, and that some feathers, taken from the pillow of Cornet Periwinkle, as the officer who had joined last was known, should be distributed, so as to give the holy man the appearance, as nearly as possible of an owl. That being the bird of wisdom, was hailed as combining amusement with compliment, if the Reverend Stiggins could only be brought to view it in the same light.
Then the apostle should be placed on a wheelbarrow, with his saintly mug enveloped in a sack, lest peradventure, the eyes of carnal men being cast upon him, scandal might be the result; or what the young dragoons were much more afraid of, the order of the procession might be interrupted in some way.
Major Ringtail, divested of his master's shooting jacket, was ordered forthwith to go and find a wheelbarrow, and a country lout game enough to wheel a load to the Temperance Hotel in Rutshole. Yes, dear reader, that was where the Reverend Stiggins was going, to the muchmaligned Miss Larcher's Temperance Coffee-House; he, her much revered visitor and pastor, being in three predicaments-in drink, in a wheelbarrow, and in the semblance of an owl!
During Tom's absence, his master and his master's companions betook themselves to adorn Stiggins, with as much earnestness and businesslike gravity as if they were doing the most praiseworthy act in the world. One of them concocted a note purporting to be from his Reverence to Miss Larcher, containing expressions of attachment and an offer of marriage. This, neatly folded and addressed, was placed between his right thumb and forefinger, these articles being lashed tight together, greatly to his Reverence's comfort no doubt.
Towards dusk, according to orders a wheelbarrow and a grinning country lad were in attendance outside the barracks gates; the youngster being promised half-a-sovereign if he performed his errand satisfactorily, and one shilling and a licking if he mismanaged matters, readily undertook to convey the apostle to the private door of Miss Larcher's hostelry, there empty him out, and ring the bell as if the place was on fire.