Then, on finding the Major did not care one damn whether he held his tongue or not, and did not propose to give him any money: he changed his tone once more, and told the Major that if he did not give him ten or fifteen pounds, he would tell Miss Larcher's father and mother, and would have her turned out of the congregation of the saints, completely disgraced. Upon this the Major informed him, that he, the saintly Stiggins, had been discovered in a pig-pen, rogering a young sow, that he, the Major, had half a dozen witnesses quite ready to prove it, and that if he annoyed him, or Miss Larcher with his blackguard lies, he would have him up before the magistrates for bestiality. And before the horror-stricken Stiggins could recover his presence of mind on hearing this intelligence, he found himself being kicked out of the barracks with speed and dexterity; and I have no doubt it did him a power of good. 'And now, Mrs. Fielding, with many thanks for your kind hospitality, I must say goodbye. If you had another daughter at home I would ask for an introduction, but as it is, I must do without.
Duty calls, madam, farewell!'
So saying the half-drunken Robert took his departure to report progress to his master, leaving Mrs. Fielding lifting up her hands and eyes, as she exclaimed: 'Good Lord-a-mussy me!'
CHAPTER 3
Considerable amusement was excited by Robert's recital of his conversation with Mrs. Fielding. This, he lost no time in reporting to his master immediately upon his return; finding him in the garden, gracefully and agreeably employed in tossing his beautiful cousin about in a swing hung between two trees. The most important pan of his story was relating to what the communicative old lady said about her daughter, and her journey to London, which at once confirmed Miss Bonham in her suspicions.
'Depend upon it, Alfred, the old goose has placed her in some good first-class finishing school, so that the future Mrs. Bonham, confound her! may have a little surface polish.' (This was hitting the right nail on the head with a vengeance.) 'But,' continued Eliza, 'the deuce is in it if I don't find out either from her mother, or my respected father's correspondence, what her address is, and once found, I'll leave the rest to you, dear Alfred.'
As a further allusion to their plans before Robert, might be indiscreet, they changed the conversation; the Captain asking his servant if Mrs.
Fielding's ale was pretty good, and whether she had asked him who his master was. To the first question the hopeful young man returned a most unqualified assent; to the latter, he replied by giving his master an account of a certain Major Ringtail, to the Captain's intense amusement.
'And, upon my word, sir,' said Robert, 'it's just as well there is no such officer in the regiment; for while professing the greatest regard and attachment for him, I've given him a character that would damn a whole brigade, officers and men. The old lady's hair stood on end, so that it actually lifted her mobcap off her venerable head.'
'Why-what in the name of wonder, did you tell her, Robert?' asked Captain Torrant, who perceived his valet's half-tipsy predicament and anticipated some funny disclosures.
'Faith, sir, I could not tell you half what I said to her-not in Miss Bonham's presence, sir.'
'Oh, never mind Miss Bonham,' replied the Captain giving that lady a push to set her swinging, so that the colour of her garters was no particular mystery, 'she knows what soldiers are, and will excuse a little loose talk, so out with it!'
Thus adjured, Robert, who in his excited state wished for nothing better, started at once into his description of the gallant Major, while crediting him with every vice under the sun, or nearly so, and ending with giving him a character for high respectability, tickled Alfred's fancy amazingly.
Both he and his cousin Eliza were delighted with Robert's description of the scene in the chapel; and although the young lady actually did blush, and pretended to look confused, she swallowed every incident of the story with great gusto, from the appearance of the pretty legs over the side of the pew, to the mythical Major's withdrawal of his prick from its bleeding sheath.
'How can Robert invent such a pack of nonsense, my dear?' appealing to her lover in pretended indignation.
'Indeed, my love, I think it is very natural and clever. I only hope that it is all invention. I say, sir,' (turning to his man) 'how did you come by Miss Larcher's name? Was that a name out of your own head, like the Major's?'
Here Robert, evidently a little confused, scratched the article referred to, as he said very slowly: 'Why, no, sir, not exactly. I was hard up for a name, and I noticed one as we came through Rutshole: Mary Larcher, sir, Temperance Hotel, sir.
Little disreputable hole, left-hand side, High Street, sir.'
'My good gracious Heavens, Alfred!' almost shrieked Eliza, 'she is a most respectable woman, a regular prim, starched, old maid; and what's more, she's acquainted with Papa, and her being a regular member of Mr. Stiggins' congregation will make the story seem as if it had some truth in it! And that abominable chattering old goose will go telling the story everywhere! Oh! how can you laugh so? It is very serious!'
This was addressed to her cousin, who seemed to think that this description of the maligned Miss Larcher, gave point to the joke; for he absolutely roared with delight, and went about stamping his feet in perfect ecstasies of enjoyment. It must have been contagious, for in spite of Eliza's vexation, knowing that the scandal must reach her father's ears, she began to laugh merrily, and even Robert, finding that his bringing forward a respectable woman's name was not going to bring punishment on him by his master-he cared for nobody elseindulged in a respectful snigger.
'It's all the same, sir, I suppose it don't matter much what I said about such rubbish as that there Stiggins?'
'Why sir?' replied the Captain.
'Only sir, that he went to the barracks next day.'
'You mean, you rascal, that you told Mrs. Fielding that he went to the barracks,' interrupted his master. 'It's all the same, sir,' remarked Robert, coolly; and then proceeded to give his hearers an account of the Reverent party attempting to extort a bribe from the Fabulous Major; and that personage retorting upon the apostle with an accusation of his having been detected in the act of copulating with a pig. All this Robert related as he had told it to Mrs. Fielding, with as much preciseness and gravity, as if he had been an eye-witness to the whole affair; copulating, kicking out of the barracks, and all.
Captain Torrant fairly shrieked and yelled with laughter.
'You'll be the death of me, you lying rascal!' he gasped out, 'you will, by Jove! Do you mean to tell me that Mrs. Fielding swallowed this enormous bucketful of lies?'
'Well, I think she took it nearly all hi,' was the deliberate reply. 'At any rate sir,' continued Robert, more cheerfully, 'if she did not believe it quite altogether, she is certain to repeat it all!'
'Your remark, Robert, is perfectly correct, and shows a knowledge of human nature, for which I did not give you credit. And now you can go and look after the horses; you have done more mischief during this forenoon than any other man could do in a month and I am perfectly satisfied.'
On this, Robert raised his hand to his hat, and turned to go, Miss Bonham calling out to him: 'And Robert, I'll trouble you to leave my maid Lucy alone, she is a nice girl, and I don't want her pulled about!'
Robert silently saluted, and took his departure.
'What a jolly row there will be all over Rutshole, won't there, my beauty? I can fancy I see Stiggins and Miss Larcher, instructing their lawyers to bring actions against Major Ringtail or his man, or both for defamation of character! There is one good thing, the fact of Mrs.