“Besides, I had a look at the goings-on inside. That’s not for me.”
“Well, what’s on your mind? Make it quick. I have to have lunch and get right back.”
Allbee was slow to begin. Could it be, Leventhal wondered, that he was unprepared and improvising something? Or was it part of his game to appear awkward, like this?
“I know you’re suspicious of me,” he finally said.
“Come on, let’s have it.”
He wiped his hand over his eyes. There were lines of strain about the root of his nose.
“I’ve got to get myself in motion.”
“What, are you going away?”
“No, I didn’t say I was. Well, yes, as soon as I can. That’s understand. I mostly wanted to say…” He reflected. “I was in dead earnest last night; I want to do something about myself. But before I can start there are certain things I’ll have to have… clean up, make myself look a little more. respectable. I can’t approach anybody this way.”
Leventhal agreed.
“I should get a haircut. And this shirt,” he plucked at it. “My suit should be cleaned. Pressed, at least. I need some money.”
“You find money for whisky. You don’t have any trouble about that.”
Allbee’s look was earnest and even somewhat impressive, despite the sullen sickliness of his face.
“I suppose you weren’t drunk last night. What did you do it on, sink water?”
“That was absolutely the last of Flora’s money, the last few dollars. The last connection with her,” he uttered the words slowly, “in something tangible.”
Leventhal raised his eyes to him skeptically. His gaze contained all the comment he thought necessary. He shrugged and turned his face away.
“I didn’t expect you to approve of that or even sympathize. You people, by and large — and this is only an observation, nothing else, take it for what it’s worth — you can only tolerate feelings like your own. But this was good-by to my wife. That wasn’t sentimental. Just the opposite. To get a haircut or a new shirt with those last few dollars of hers would have been sentimental. Worse. That would have been hypocrisy.” His large lips made a burst of disgust. “Hypocritical! The money had to go the way the rest did. It would have been cheap and dishonest to use the last dime differently from the first.”
“In other words, it was all for your wife.”
“It was. I wasn’t going to use a single cent of it to advance myself with. I felt bound to do it that way no matter how much it hurt me. And it did hurt me.” He put his hand to his breast. “But this way I’ve been decent, at least. I didn’t become a success at her expense. I didn’t become what I wasn’t before she died. And consequently I can face myself today.” He stood swaying over him, ungainly, his mouth beginning to swell out derisively. “You wouldn’t have done that, Leventhal.”
“Maybe I wouldn’t have to,” Leventhal said disgustedly.
“It’s easy for you to say. You haven’t been touched. Wait till you’re touched.”
“Pardon?”
“Wait till something happens to your wife.”
Leventhal blazed up. “You stop that harping on something happening… and that hinting. You’ve done it before. Damn you, you stop!”
“I don’t want anything to happen,” Allbee said. “All I’ve been trying to show is that you’ve been luckier than I. But you shouldn’t forget that luck cuts both ways and be prepared, and when you’re in my position—if you ever are. That’s the whole thing, that if.” He had recovered his favorite key and he brightened. “If swings us around by the ears like rabbits. But if…! And you have to square it with yourself, every mistake you ever made, all your sins against her, then maybe you’ll admit it isn’t so simple. That’s all I want to say.”
“Oh, now we’re on my sins.”
“I’m not talking about cheating on your wife. I don’t know how it stands, but that’s a very unimportant part of it — your cheating on her, or her cheating on you. What I’m talking about holds good regardless. You mustn’t forget you’re an animal. There’s where a lot of unnecessary trouble begins. Not that I’m in favor of infidelity. You know how I feel about marriage. But you see a lot of marriages where one partner takes too much from the other. When a woman takes too much from a man, he tries to recover what he can from another woman. Likewise the wife. Everybody tries to work out a balance. Nature is too violent for human ideals, sometimes, and ideals ought to leave it plenty of room. However, we’re not monkeys, either, and it’s the ideals we ought to live for, not nature. That brings us back to sins and mistakes. I heard of a case…”
Leventhal cried, “Do you think I’m going to stand here and listen to your cases?”
“I thought you might be interested,” Allbee said pacifyingly.
“Well, I’m not.”
“All right.”
Leventhal started toward the restaurant and Allbee walked beside him. The slanting parallels of shadow from the elevated tracks passed over them. The windows and window metals trembled and flashed.
“Where do you eat around here?”
“Down a way.”
They came to a corner. “No use going on with you,” said Allbee. “I had my coffee before getting on the subway.”
“Good-by,” Leventhal said indifferently, hardly pausing; he glanced at the traffic light. Allbee hung on, a little to the rear.
“I wanted to ask you — will you lend me a few dollars? Five or so…?”
“To start life over?” said Leventhal, still looking away.
“You offered me some, awhile back.”
“Tell me why I should give you anything.” Leventhal turned squarely to him.
Allbee met this with an uncertain, puzzled smile while Leventhal, on the other hand, felt more steadily balanced and confident.
“You tell me,” he said again.
“You offered it. You’ll get it back.” Allbee dropped his glance, and there was a curious flicker not only in his lowered lids, over the fullness of his eyeballs, but over his temples.
“Yes, naturally I will,” Leventhal said. “You’re a man of honor.”
“I want to borrow ten bucks or so.”
“You raised it. You said five, before, and five is what I’ll let you have. But I’ll give you notice now that if you show up drunk. .”
“Don’t worry about that.”
“Worry? It’s not my lookout.”
“I’m not a drunkard. Not a real one.”
Leventhal had half a mind to ask what he was, really, what he genuinely thought he was. But he said instead, with casual irony, “And here I believed you when you said you were so reckless.” He opened his wallet and took out five singles.
“I appreciate it,” said Allbee, folding the money and buttoning it up in his shirt pocket. “You’ll get every penny back.”
“Okay,” Leventhal replied dryly.
Allbee turned away, and Leventhal thought, “If he takes one shot — and he probably thinks he’ll have one and quit — he’ll take two and then a dozen. That’s the way they are.”
There was a letter from Mary waiting for him that evening. He pulled it out of the mailbox thankfully. Allbee’s hints had bothered him more than he knew. He had brushed them aside. What reason did he have to be anxious about her? Nevertheless there were coincidences; things were mentioned and then they occurred. He worked his finger under the flap and tore open the envelope. The letter was thick. He sat down on the stairs and read it in absorption and deep pleasure. It was dated Tuesday night; she had just come back from dinner at her uncle’s. She asked for news of Mickey — Leventhal had put off writing about him — and she complained mildly about her mother. It was comical and strange that her mother treated her like a child. She didn’t make coffee enough for two in the morning, assuming that her daughter still drank milk, unable to grasp the fact that she was not merely a grown woman but a woman no longer so young. This morning a few gray hairs had showed up. Old! Leventhal smiled, but his smile was touched with solicitude. He turned the page. She had so much time on her hands and so little to do that she had bought yardgoods and was sewing herself some slips, trimming them with lace from old blouses of her mother”s, “still in good condition and very pretty as you’ll see when I get home.” The rest of the letter was about her brother’s children. He put it to his mouth as though to cover a cough and touched the paper with his lips.