“Wh-wh-wh-ere do you think we’re going?” I said through chattering teeth.
“Beats me,” Joseph said between his boots crunching through the snow.
The woman who had seemed like a statue up until now spoke. “We’re going home.” She smiled and turned her eyes frontward again, still sitting comfortably in the sled.
Joseph put his arm around me and pulled me close, our hips colliding softly. Heavily padded suits provided an unwanted barrier. “Oh, and by the way, I love you too,” he said as he winked at me and then imitated my attempt at winking, blinking both eyes hard.
I blushed, thinking the snow must be melting around my feet. Must he show me up at everything?
I bumped him with my hip and he fell forward into the snow. We both started laughing, a kind of hysterical laughter that drew away some of the stress we were feeling. He pulled himself up, gave me his irresistible smirk, and we dragged the sled dogs to the top of the hill. The dogs were panting, their long tongues hanging out the side of their mouths. They were spent.
We got to the top and my body cracked, the laughter throttling out of my lungs like a vacuum was sucking the air out. My frozen limbs pulled up and away from me as I remembered.
Run.
The need to flee was so strong, I wanted to jump off the incline and roll down the hill. Keep running and never, ever look back.
Joseph stopped still, his beautiful eyes unblinking. Disbelief stung right through us both. The woman in our sled grunted impatiently and finally climbed out. My eyes flitted to her, irritated at why she had waited until now to help us. She pulled the dogs. It was a battle, though. Now that we had stopped running, the dogs seemed to think they had done their part. Their legs were still. Breathless, they leaned down to lick the snow, little puffs of steam floating from where their warm tongues had touched the ice.
I put my hands to one of their heads and rubbed between its ears, burying my fingers into the soft fur and holding on like it was an anchor. It whined before the woman yanked the harness violently and urged them forward.
Neither of us could move.
I pulled Orry from my back and Joseph carefully shook him free of the capsule. His cheeks were pink and his nose was cold but he was ok. With his other arm, Joseph pulled me close to him. I moved stiffly, my legs buried in snow, my heart somewhere in my stomach. Never in a million years did I ever think we would be back here.
“It’s ok. It’s not the same one,” he said close to my ear, his warm mouth tickling my skin. I nodded weakly. If it was ok, how come he hadn’t budged either?
The rails were mostly buried with snow. But the shape of their path was still evident. Small sections of rusted steel poked out from the white here and there like vague zebra stripes. This twisting path led directly into my nightmares.
The black hole laughed at me. Its stone border grinned with chipped and stained teeth. I could almost see it screaming and howling, with ghosts flying out of its ghastly mouth and flames licking the walls. I felt her arm link in mine but she didn’t push me. She was waiting. She would move when I moved. “Cla—” The name caught in my throat and stayed there, gravelly and uncomfortable.
Joseph started towards the entrance, following the others, assuming I would follow. The tunnel whispered, ‘Hessa,’ for my ears only. I squatted down in the snow, removed my gloves, and plunged my hand into the ice. I let out a squeak as it both scalded and froze my fingers. It hurt but I wanted to feel something else, just for a second. The ice around me turned pink from my cut-up hands.
I shrank back. Blood. Always more blood.
Joseph stopped when he noticed I was still stuck in the snow and beckoned me with his spare hand. Get up and go, I thought.
I was the kind of person that needed time. And I seemed to be someone who was always running out of it. Always having to kick myself, force myself to get over it and move. I wondered if this would ever change or if I would always be fighting and wading against the current.
I trudged on, feeling a strong sense of deja vu. But as we got closer, I could see what Joseph was talking about. It was not the same. Not at all. I hesitated anyway… until the horribly familiar sound of blades slicing through the air started me running to the entrance. I burst through and crouched in the shadows, waiting for it to pass. It got louder and then the sound dissipated into the atmosphere as the chopper swung around and headed back in the direction of the mounds.
Turning my gaze inwards, everyone was unpacking their stuff and stacking it against soot-smattered walls. The dogs were being watered and fed. The weird thing was they were all pinned against the wall like the tracks might rip up and bite them. I stormed in, ready to demand they take me back to look for Deshi and Hessa, when I heard a voice yell, “Rosa, wait!” before I slammed into something solid, hitting my nose quite hard, splinters of pain shooting into the backs of my eyes. The solid thing clanged and then it flickered before me.
“What the…?” I reached out to touch it. It was cold, metallic feeling, but felt thin as paper, like I could push it in with my finger and make a dent.
Deshi laughed loudly. “Ha! That was great—can you do it again?”
My heart danced at the sight of him. I pinched the bridge of my nose and said in a nasally voice, “You’re not very nice to me, you know.”
Deshi frowned theatrically. “Oh coz, you’re always sweetness and light…”
I used my hands to guide myself to him, around whatever it was, and slammed into his chest. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I kissed his cheek and squeezed his thin body.
Deshi went rigid, his arms tensing for a second, before he started shaking with laughter. “Are you confused or something? Joseph’s over there,” he pointed.
I stepped back, embarrassed. “Sorry. I’m just glad to see you. I thought you… um… I thought we had left you and Hessa behind.”
His eyes softened, something occurring to him. “Oh… Nah, we’re fine. We left before the rest of you. I think Hessa’s a little daredevil; he loved the sled.”
“Where is he?” I asked eagerly.
“Hessa?”
I just glared at him. Who else would I be talking about?
“He’s in there.” He pointed to the air above the cleared railways tracks. I sighed, tired of everything being a riddle. I wished someone would just sit me down and tell me what the hell was going on.
I put my hands on my hips. “Where?”
Deshi sighed too, impatiently. Then he took my hand, guided it over the smooth surface, and pressed. Something pulled back with a whoosh and again I saw it flicker. It was like a rip in space. I stared at the dull blue floor and purple upholstered seats, facing each other over a plastic table. And there was Hessa, strapped into a seat, slapping his hands on the table. He gave me a toothless grin when he saw me.
I rushed to him, covering him in kisses and stroking his beautiful, black hair, cursing myself for not being more present in his life. Joseph poked his head in the door, beaming. Like this was all normal—like it didn’t surprise him at all that Hessa was sitting in an invisible bubble hiding tacky upholstery. I wished I were more like that, able to roll with things. “Orry, do you want to sit with your brother?” Joseph asked the baby in his arms. Deshi’s face darkened a little, a twisted expression, almost like it was a painful thing to hear. I was offended. Did he think Hessa was too good for Orry?
“Orry can’t sit yet,” I said. “Besides, we are not sitting anywhere until I find out what’s going on.” I set my mouth in a hard line. Joseph looked at me and nodded. Agreeing? Wow!
I stepped out of the room and the door closed behind me. Peering at it closer, I could see it was not invisible. Its surface flickered and wobbled as I moved around it. When I stood in front of it for too long, it started taking on the colors of my white suit, my dark face, and, amusingly, my brown and blue eyes. The brown and white swirled together, polka dotted with blue. Very clever. Then I pressed my nose to it, observing all the little mirrored panels that made up its exterior. All of a sudden, I was confronted with a gigantic pair of defective eyes staring back at me. I jumped.