“Eat or don’t eat?” he said. The words filled me with equal parts joy and sadness. I felt tears come to my eyes.
“Don’t eat,” I said quietly, blushing in the cold.
We walked towards the orange glow of the fire and everyone stood around it, not wanting to sit in the wet snow. We gathered up some more firewood and threw it on until we could feel decent heat radiating from it.
Apella’s face was sorrowful, but at least it had some color to it, although that could have been from the fire. Now everyone was looking to me expectantly, asking me with their eyes what the hell we were doing here.
Softly and very unsure of myself, I said, “I wanted us to say goodbye.” They looked puzzled. “Um, not to each other, but to this, to what we have been through, sort of like a memorial for our journey along the Great Siberian Railway,” I finished with a flourish. I could feel tears coming quite fast. I hadn’t realized until now how much I had missed being out here, how even though we were running, even though we’d suffered a great deal, parts of our journey were some of the best times of my life.
I moved to the fire and threw on a branch. “For everything I have learned about myself…”
It was a weird thing to do and I was embarrassed but I felt we had to give weight to it. I didn’t subscribe to the Survivors’ philosophy. It was ok to feel sad, to feel loss, and to acknowledge those experiences.
Alexei stepped forward and threw some snow on the fire. It sizzled and left a blackened spot that was quickly engulfed with flame. “To the sacrifices and to the friends we’ve made… Um, also to the knowledge we have gained.”
I rolled my eyes.
I took the knife and moved towards Deshi. He looked wary at first. I held up a curl of Hessa’s hair. Deshi nodded. I cut the little, springy curl from the boy’s head as gently as I could. I gripped it tightly in my fist before throwing it into the fire. “Clara. I miss you so much, I…” Overcome with sadness, I couldn’t finish.
Joseph stepped in. “Clara, you were wiser and stronger than the rest of us put together. We will never forget you. You wouldn’t let us.”
Deshi rolled his eyes. I knew he thought this was a bit stupid but he surprised us all with what he said, “To love. Love lost and love found. I don’t think any of us thought we were as strong as this. And I think, now, together, we can do anything.”
Apella was a bit shaky but looked at each and every one of us. “To our family. I never thought it would turn out like this but I’m so very glad it did.” She looked at her feet and muttered, “I love you all.” I took her hand and squeezed.
Joseph broke the reverie. I’m glad he did before we all took hands and started singing or something.
“To those damn hinges! You know, it took me ages to find them and work them out of that window,” he said.
I jerked my head up to stare at him, disbelieving. “Window? Are you serious?” I asked.
He took a step back, hands up in the air. “I couldn’t get them out of the door. Why does it matter?”
“How big were they?” I asked.
He held up his hands awkwardly, while cradling Orry, leaving a tiny space between them. He looked totally confused. “Why?”
The ridiculousness of it could have sent me spiraling into depression. Instead, I smacked his hand and let out the biggest, heartiest laugh. Bending over, I could barely catch my breath. I heard Deshi mutter over my own hysterics, “That’s it. She’s lost it.”
Joseph bent down to find my face. He swept my hair back to reveal my eyes, and when they connected with that beautiful green, the gold looked like it was sparking in the firelight. I calmed myself.
“What’s so funny?” Joseph asked, concerned.
“Oh God… They would have been way too small. They never would have held up the door.”
This news could have destroyed us.
I heard Apella cough and then a noise came out of her I had never heard before—a laugh. It tinkled and whispered, almost musical. When I looked at her, she covered her mouth and I could see her whole body shaking with laughter, tears in her eyes. Then they all started. We laughed and laughed. Alexei fell backwards and landed in the snow, which made us laugh even harder.
Maybe we would be ok. Just maybe.
The fire was dying and we watched the life drain away from it. The orange coals dulled to red and then black. The babies were sleeping and we were jumping up and down to keep warm. It was time to go back, to put our faith in the next part of our journey and see where it led us.
When we got back to the tunnel, everything was covered in black shadow. We must have looked strange with big smiles on our faces, eyes red and puffy like we had been crying for hours. Confident that our bond was now as strong as ever, we separated into different carriages for the long ride. Gus said we should be able to sleep provided we didn’t get chased, which wasn’t very reassuring. Joseph, Orry, and I were alone. Deshi, Hessa, Apella, and Alexei were in the carriage next to us. We could see them if we pulled up the blind of a small window behind our heads. I fed Orry and laid him in the capsule. It fit, just, across the seat. I yawned. I was tired, but also hungry, not having eaten since the morning that seemed a million years and as many miles away.
We were offered some food. Sandwiches, which were pretty ordinary, just dried meat and cheese. No fresh stuff. And some drinks in pretty red cans. These were something very different; I had never seen anything like them. Turning mine around in my hand, I observed it curiously.
Gwen grinned at me as she passed our carriage door. “Don’t shake it up.”
I traced my finger over the letters. It sounded like some nonsense language, ‘Coca Cola’. Joseph shrugged and we both opened our cans, which made an odd “pfft” noise. Inside the can, the liquid looked dark, like coffee, and it was sizzling. I was wary but Joseph took a swig without thinking, holding his chest and wiggling his nose. Oh God, they’ve poisoned him, I thought. He let out a huge burp and grinned. “It’s good, try it,” he said, taking another sip, this time more slowly.
“You’re disgusting!” I said in mock disdain.
I held the can under my nose. It didn’t smell bad—all it really smelled like was sugar. I took a small sip. The bubbles fizzed down my throat and some tingled in my nose. It wasn’t unpleasant but I’m not sure I enjoyed it either.
Joseph put his arm around me and I put my legs up on the bench seat. He looked down and chuckled.
“What?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.
“Nothing, it’s just you’re funny. So suspicious,” he said, copying my narrowed eyes and then opening them wide, letting them shine in all their beauty and drawing me in with that look. The only girl in the world look. “Funny, suspicious, and beautiful.”
“You’re an idiot,” I said, knocking him with my shoulder. I took another swig, the taste improving on the second intake. A small fire was starting to smolder, and every time he looked at me like that, he was fanning the flames.
The carriage jolted and we were pulling out of the tunnel, heading towards what could be our new home. We slid silently away and I then understood why they called them spinners. We were encased in a bubble. Two bubbles actually. One that spun around, pushing us forward, and another that floated silently inside it. And that wasn’t even the most amazing part of this train.
It was hard not to feel cold even though the temperature was comfortable enough to wear just a t-shirt and jeans. The side walls of the spinner were transparent. The ends facing the other carriages were solid blue, but the ones revealing the view were so clear. Like we were floating, like we could reach through and touch the trees that leaned in so close some branches slapped the sides. It was dark, but you could still see light bouncing off the snow. I couldn’t help but gasp. And then shiver from the imagined cold.