Damn it! My own words were coming back to bite me. I smiled, genuinely. Tears froze on my cheeks. We picked up a few things and left, our arms around each other. Apella would give her blood and might lose her baby in the process. We just had to hope it would be enough and that Alexei would forgive her.
Apella insisted on having it done straight away. I urged her to stop and think it over but she wouldn’t listen. We looked for Alexei but he was still hiding. Apella wasn’t upset, but I was. She needed him. He should have been there.
They sat her in the beige, vinyl chair, its oversized arms and back dwarfing her tiny body. Cal was lying in a bed next to her, still looking quite white but his color was returning with every passing minute.
Matthew put the needle in, pressing the cold metal hard against her skin and puncturing her willowy arm. I observed the tattoo she had stolen from the dead girl at the Classes and truly wondered if she could ever make up for all the horrible things she had done. But I sat with her. If she was letting go, then so should I. I held her hand, watching her dark red blood track up a tube and into the bag. There was a bond growing between us I had never expected. That was what bonded us, blood. Clara’s blood, her child, Apella’s gift of blood to Joseph. We were becoming a family.
Everything was fine for a while. They took two bags without anything seeming to happen. Then she started to sway. Matthew walked over and said, “Ok, I think that’s enough.” He went to disconnect the tube but her hand shot out and grabbed him.
“No, you need at least this last bag if you want to have any chance of saving him. Let me finish,” she said through her teeth. She looked so frail and yet so much stronger than I thought her capable of.
Where was Alexei? I had unfair visions of him crying in a corner somewhere, cowering like a child.
The door swung open and he appeared. He stumbled over to her chair and sat on her other side. His eyes connected with mine. I wanted to say, I tried to stop her, but my mouth was dry and wouldn’t open to the words.
He looked down at Apella and smiled. “I’m sorry, darling. What you are doing… I’m proud of you.”
She looked up at him, her face paler than I thought possible. I could almost see through her. They looked at each other forever. I finally understood what they had. This was an old love but a strong love. It was unconditional. They couldn’t hurt each other because it would be hurting themselves.
Apella let out a small cry, tiny. It shot out of the room on a breath of wind. I know she didn’t hate me but I hated myself. It shouldn’t have happened. Matthew ushered me out of the room, telling a much brighter looking Cal to leave also.
“When I’m ready, I will come down and collect Joseph. Wait for me in your room,” he said as he turned his back to us, closing in on Apella. She was braver than I’d ever thought possible. Somehow, she had become a mother without a baby. She was protecting her family. Maybe she would come out of this stronger, shake the old life off like shedding a skin, papery remnants of a horrible existence floating to the ground. It was something to aspire to.
I was staring through the small, rectangular window, intruding on their personal pain, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. “C’mon, we need to give them some privacy,” Cal said. He guided my rigid body towards the ladder.
I shrugged his hand off and tried to steady myself but the floor was heaving under my feet. An imaginary gust of wind churned around me and tried to knock me over. If only things would slow down for a second, if the world would stop spinning, I could catch my breath. His face stretched and blurred before my eyes. “Whoa!” Strong arms caught me and then… darkness.
I awoke propped up against a wall in a dark hallway. Hard, jagged rock poked into my back, wet with condensation. A shaft of light sliced through the blackness about a hundred meters away. I stood quickly, bumping my head on a low-hanging pipe, a comical ‘boing’ sound shimmying away from me.
“Rosa, isn’t it?” a vaguely familiar voice asked. I pulled my legs up quickly, hands in front of my face in defense. “Don’t panic. You fainted.”
“Oh. Um. Sorry. I’m just not used to all the blood,” I lied. If only that were true.
“It’s all right. Lucky I was there or you would have fallen down the ladder,” Cal said a little too proudly. I could barely see him in the dark, just his ears poking out, giving him a recognizable silhouette.
I started to stand. “I better get back. Matthew said to wait in my room.”
A hand clamped on my shoulder, holding me in place. “Hey, there’s no rush,” Cal said in an odd, syrupy tone. “They’ll be a while.”
I stood up, swaying a little, and walked towards the light. It felt uncomfortable being in the dark with this boy. I picked up the pace, ducking my head when I got to the door so they didn’t see me, and swinging myself down the ladder.
“Wait! Can I come with you? Keep you company while you wait?” In the light, he still looked pale. He was only a couple of inches taller than me and he was leaning up on his toes. Eyes earnest, he stared at me expectantly, one hand in his pocket, the other tucking a stray curl behind his ear. He seemed harmless.
I weighed it up. This boy had just donated all the blood he could to Joseph. He must have understood our relationship. Besides, what I was thinking was preposterous. I was not desirable in any way. I was a teenage mother, a mess. Whatever had made me uncomfortable, I ignored it. My instincts weren’t to be trusted anymore, look where they’d got us so far.
“Ok,” I shrugged. He followed me to my room, silently. I kept a good few feet between us, not entirely trusting him. The only sound was the standard-issue canvas sneakers squeaking on the linoleum floor.
I entered to find Deshi sitting, rocking an inconsolable, screaming baby. He looked stressed. Hessa was rolling around on the floor. I smiled down at the darling child.
“What happened?” Deshi asked, his eyes showing concern for both of our family members, as he walked to me and handed me the baby.
“She went through with it. Matthew is coming down to get Joseph soon.” My face felt thin, stretched over my bones too tightly. My heart felt similar.
“Do you want me to stay?” he asked, his eyes moving from me to Cal and back again. I wanted to say yes. But I was being silly. I would be fine.
“No, it’s ok. Joseph’s here,” I said with a weak smile.
Deshi rolled his eyes. “Well, I’m going to put Hessa down for a nap.” He tapped his hand on Joseph’s shoulders lightly. “Good luck, Joe.” He kissed his fingers and placed them on Joseph’s forehead. Then he was gone.
The baby screamed. I climbed onto the bed and put the child to my breast. Not even thinking about Cal. This had become second nature to me now. The boy shyly looked away as I fed my child, his curls forming a curtain over his bowed head. When I was done, he pulled up a chair and sat facing me eagerly. Maybe he was just being friendly.
“So, have you thought of a name yet?” he asked, trying to be kind or interested.
I stiffened. “No, not yet. I mean, I can’t.”
His eyebrows rose in confusion. “Oh, why’s that?”
“Not that it’s any of your business but I always thought his father would name him,” I snapped.
The boy was offended. His eyebrows turned down, his eyes wide, but he quickly swallowed it. He seemed overly sensitive.
“I’ll help you,” he said, half-standing out of his chair, his hurt flipping to inappropriate enthusiasm.
Now I was confused. “What do you mean?”
“I’ll help you come up with a name. He’s going to be pretty tired and confused when he wakes up.” Cal gestured to Joseph’s resting form. “The last thing he’s going to want to do is name a baby.”