When we were a safe distance from the others, I spun Desh to face me. The look in his eyes was one of complete confusion and a little bit of fear. He was scared of me. I forced myself to relax a little and took a calming breath.
I sighed. “I’m sorry I dragged you out of there, but there’s something you need to know.”
Desh raised his eyebrows and waited for me to go on. I breathed in heavily. “I let Matt think Rosa killed Este.” Desh’s eye’s widened and he opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. “But before you say anything just understand, I know it was wrong, but I couldn’t have him look at me like I was a murderer. I know that’s what I am, I know I have to face it, but it’s hard. I wanted some time to deal with what I’d done before everyone knew.”
Desh’s face softened. “Joe.” My name sounded like a sad sigh when he said it. He reached out to touch my arm, and I jerked away. “I think we need to talk about this. You know it’s not your fault, right?”
I knew it was entirely my fault.
“Desh, please, I don’t want to talk about it. It’s too damn hard,” I pleaded.
He seemed anxious when he tried again to talk. “But I don’t think you understand…” I held my hand up to stop him. “I understand enough.”
I stomped away, leaving him standing there, bewildered. He wasn’t going to make me feel better about this, and I couldn’t reopen the wounds. I was finally managing to move forward, and he wanted to drag me back.
We packed up and left for Palma. To keep them guessing, we were zigzagging across the compounds, not hitting them in order. We hadn’t managed to sync with the fireworks at Radiata, but we would for Palma in five days.
Soldiers had poked around the bottom of the hill looking for us, but they hadn’t come very far before they were called back. It seemed Radiata had exploded with anger and riots. No Survivor could stay this time. It was too dangerous. We had to leave them to it.
We walked in a zigzag as well. The Survivors were very good at hiding and avoiding Woodlands’ soldiers.
I kicked a slice of shale rock down a grassy hillside, watching it skid across the other stones and disappear. Light snow covered any outcropping, but it wasn’t building up as fast as we would have thought. It was actually a shame in a way because it would have hid our tracks. Gus predicted it would thicken over the next few days.
“How’s the hand?” I asked Matt as we paused to get our bearings and rest. We were all on a high except for him. No one expected it to go this well. But then, no one really considered what would happen after. Matt was contemplative.
Matt bent his fingers slowly; two fingers didn’t move. He watched them like they weren’t his own.
“It’ll come back, Matt, give it time,” I said.
He smiled sadly. “How are your chest wounds?” he asked, peering at my shirt.
I tapped my chest lightly. “Itchy!” He laughed. I noticed several grey hairs running through the light brown.
“Itchy is good.”
Elise strolled over and took my water bottle from me, taking a swig without asking. I cleared my throat. She ignored me.
“Yep, means it’s healing.” She daintily dabbed at her mouth with her sleeve.
Rash sat on a rock, listening intently, and then his face cracked into a smile. “So, itchy good, oozy bad?”
Everyone laughed. Even me. I tried not to look at him for too long though, scared I would ruin the moment. Our relationship had always been precarious, but without Rosa here, it was dangling off a cliff.
I stuffed thoughts of her back behind others, focusing on the next mission and Orry.
Gus clapped his hands together and looked at the sky, as if it were a clock he could read. “It’s time to move.”
Elise floated from group to group. She was easy to talk to and managed conversations with everyone. She was confident to the point of being a little annoying, but most of the time I didn’t mind her company.
We were now one-day’s walk from Palma. The time passed quickly. A lot of walking, talking, and shooting animals. I was training my eyes to search out game. Everyone did it and when Gus caught something, there was a lot of celebration and the bonus of fresh food.
I was at the back of the group today, when I heard a rustle to my right. The forest was dense in this area, although where we stood almost qualified as a stamped-out road. I thought I saw a flash of blue feathers. I grabbed Elise’s arm and pulled her back while I kept an eye on the birds, three pheasants sitting between a couple of rotted, mossy logs.
“See the pheasants? Get Gus,” I whispered.
Nodding, she lithely picked her way up the line until she reached Gus. She whispered in his ear and pointed to me. I beckoned him with my finger.
I silently pointed out the bird’s positions, and Gus aimed his rifle. I watched him pull back the trigger and gulped, swallowing the nausea I felt at having a gun so close to me again.
A shot was fired and they flapped into the sky, a mess of feathers and noise as three birds rose unharmed into the air.
Gus never missed.
Ever.
Gus’s finger was frozen, curled around the trigger. He hadn’t taken a shot. “Scatter,” he said through his teeth.
A man’s voice slashed through the forest. “Did I hit it?”
“Now!” Gus said, his voice quiet but urgent.
I turned and searched for a hiding place. A hundred yards away was a thick-trunked tree with bushes sprouting around the base. I moved towards it, trying to put as much distance between the voices and me as I could. Everyone scattered, diving from the path as they were told. I saw Desh and Pelo dash towards a log and jump behind it. Olga floundered in the middle of the road, her head flicking from us to the direction of the noise until Matt appeared from behind a tree and dragged her from view. I exhaled in relief.
Luckily, the owners of the voices hadn’t noticed us yet. They were too focused on the pheasants and still shooting at the sky like idiots.
I got about halfway to the tree when I realized Elise was just standing there, gaping. I groaned, looked to the sky, and returned to her, keeping low. Another shot fired and she had the sense to duck down. I grabbed her arm and pulled her away, moving from shrub to tree trunk to shrub as the voices came closer.
I leaped into the bushes, wet leaves brushing my face and hands, pulling Elise inside and onto my lap. I pulled her closer as I heard clumsy footsteps breaking sticks and crunching leaves, things I had almost learned to control.
“Don’t move,” I whispered in her ear. She flinched. Her body was as stiff as a board, but shaking. Her hair brushed under my nose. She smelled clean, but a chemical clean, like shampoo and hair products, things I hadn’t seen or smelled in more than a year.
She shivered uncontrollably, her breath coming in and out in short, tight bursts.
“Calm down, you’re going to hyperventilate,” I warned. She nodded and tried to calm her breathing as the voices came closer.
Through the leaves, I could see black boots and black trousers with gold trim running down the sides. I held my breath and tried to silently shuffle backwards, bringing the shaking girl with me, until my back was pressed against the damp tree trunk. The boots seemed aimless, traipsing around and around in a circle until another shot was fired.
“Got it!” a man shouted gleefully. And then the boot moved away from us.
I let out a soft sigh. Elise was still shaking, her hands clamped together over a charm she wore around her neck.
We would have to stay there for a while, but the danger seemed to have passed for now.
“I think they’re gone,” I said, patting her arms with my hands awkwardly.
“I can’t, not again,” she stuttered.
“Huh?” I shook her arm and she jumped, the branches moving around us. “Elise, it’s okay, you’re safe.”