That was it. I was so sick of his attitude. His damn, stupid, glaring face. I snatched his clothes with my hands, pulled him across the counter, and close to my face. My heart thumped loudly; my ears pumped a sea of blood.
I stared into his eyes and whispered, “You think this is about sex?” I shook my head, sorry for him. “Screw you, Rash,” I said, throwing him away from me. He fell off his stool and onto the floor.
My hands were still begging to hit him. I paced back and forth, my fists tight against my sides.
Suddenly, Elise was in front of me. She put her hands on my shoulders, and I nearly punched her. She ducked back from my angry expression.
“Come with me,” she said, taking my hand and pulling me away from the kitchen and down the hall of the small cottage.
I let her lead me because if I’d stayed there, I would have stomped on Rash’s face. Rosa wouldn’t want that. I ran my hands through my hair. She wouldn’t want any of this.
Elise pulled me into the bathroom and closed the door. She daintily put down the toilet seat lid and sat on it.
She handed me a balled-up wad of cloth. “Here, I found you a clean shirt.”
I turned away from her and quickly changed, my eyes roaming over the blue glass tiles bordering the shower that were clearly not standard issue.
“Sit down,” she said, pointing to the bathtub with tumbled-down toiletries gathered around the plughole.
I sat down on the edge and sighed, trying to expel some of the violence inside me.
“I just don’t want to feel like this anymore,” I admitted.
She leaned in, her eyes so sad, welcoming and understanding. “Feel like what?”
I shrugged, my shoulders sinking. “So guilty.”
Elise crossed her legs and rested her head in her palm. “Right. I think you should tell me what happened.”
I started from when Orry got sick. She nodded. She asked the occasional question but mostly, she just let me talk. She was being exactly what I needed, a friend, and I was grateful for it.
When I finished, she gazed at me gently. “She sounds amazing, Joe.”
I nodded. “She was. I mean… she is.”
“You’ve been through a lot together, and I understand the bond you must have with her. But let me ask you this—do you really think she would want you to torture yourself like this? You love her, and that’s not going to change, but it doesn’t mean that your life just stands still when she’s not here, does it?”
No. I knew this, but hearing someone else say it, sort of giving me permission to keep living, was good.
“It’s not just about her. I’ve done some terrible things, Elise. To escape, I had to…” My words ran out and dripped to silence.
She pursed her lips, tipping her head to the side. “You can tell me, Joe. No judgment.”
I tried to say it, but it just wouldn’t come out. Confessing to her seemed a step too intimate. “I can’t.”
She tucked a strand of fair hair behind her ear. “You don’t have to. But just listen to me. You have to find a way to move past it. If not for yourself, then do it for your kid. At least try and let go of the things that you can’t control. Hopefully, she’ll come back. You can hope for it, but you can’t count on it. You have to keep living your life.”
I laughed sadly. If only it were that easy.
“Try,” Elise said more forcefully.
I dipped my head in agreement. “Okay, I’ll try.” I said. Lifting my eyes to meet hers, I whispered, “Thank you for stopping me.”
She stood and patted my head. “Don’t mention it.”
I wondered if I could do it. Move on while still holding hope that I’d see her again. It seemed like a candle burning at both ends. It was going to burn no matter what end I picked up.
I found myself following her out of the bathroom and back into the kitchen. Rash had passed out on the floor where I’d shoved him, his arms wrapped around the stool like it was a woman. She took two metal cups, one pink and one green, from the cupboard and poured us both a drink from her own flask.
I took it. I wanted it. Didn’t want it. Just didn’t want to think about anything anymore.
She clinked her glass with mine, the only other sounds the murmurs of people sleeping satisfied and safe. “To living your life,” she said, and then she sculled the brown liquid in one gulp with a smile.
I couldn’t smile back, but I didn’t feel like I was going to explode anymore, which was a step in some direction. I wasn’t sure there was a right direction. Putting the cup to my lips, I drank.
ROSA
“Rosa, what’s wrong with you? Are you all right?” Judith shook my shoulder as if my body were a door she couldn’t open, her big blue eyes blinking away sleep and crusted mascara grit.
I was somewhere else. In the trees, my feet pressed hard against a branch, the scent of smoke and sweet pine rushing over my face and teasing through strands of my hair. My mind sought escape for one small moment. But the normal sound of her voice shattered my dream.
“Your voice…” I started.
One daisy-shaped pajama button pinched between her fraying fingers. “Dad prefers it.”
I gazed down at my dress, muddy and torn. “I should change,” I said, uncomfortable under her stare and her sudden admission. I didn’t want her to confide in me. I had enough secrets poking holes in my flappy existence without adding hers to my list. It was liable to squeeze something important out.
“I’ll get some ice for your face.” She smiled softly. I couldn’t tell if she enjoyed seeing me this way or she felt bad. Then she flipped her hair and muttered, “I can’t wait to tell Dad what Denny did. He told us he was the only one permitted to hurt you.”
She put her hand to my bruised cheek and cocked her head. I winced as her fingers brushed over my hot, raised skin. I retreated from her touch. Her hands were laced with poison. She was much worse than Denis was. An evil layered with crazy, beneath a sweet face.
I grabbed an armful of clothes without really paying any attention and ran to the bathroom to get away from her. I heard her say, “ice,” and the bedroom door opened and closed. I turned on the shower and quickly washed, eager to fall into bed. I was so tired even Judith’s teeth grinding wouldn’t keep me awake tonight.
I wrapped a towel around my aching body and sighed at the clothes in my hands. I’d grabbed two pairs of pants and a bra. I tried to open the door and it hit something. When I pushed harder, the door clanged against metal.
I pressed my face to the small gap. “Judith, did you put something in front of the door?” My eyes took in the small slice of view afforded by the crack. I looked up and then I looked down, my heart jumping into my mouth. I leapt back from the door in fright.
A slither of Grant’s dark face smiled at me. “You should come out, dear. I have something to tell you.” His voice was dripping with sickly sweetness, drawn out like the stretch of molasses.
I lingered on the other side of the door, quivering in a towel. No way was I going out there.
“I’m good,” I said, pulling the towel tighter.
“I heard what happened with my son. You can rest assured, he is being punished.” He was a slick of oil, bright with rainbows playing across its surface, but dangerous, one wrong step, a slip, and you’d break your back.
I was sick of this game. Groaning, I pulled my hands through my wet hair. “What the hell do you want from me?” I knew it was pointless but I said it anyway, my voice hollowing out at the end. “How could you do that? How could you break someone’s spine for your own benefit?”