I frowned, my headache pulsing in my temples like a heartbeat.
“Yeah, that’s the face we’ve come to love,” Desh joked.
Elise sidled up next to me and smirked at Desh. “You just don’t know how to bring it out of him. The guy just needs to relax a little.”
Rash snorted ahead of us. “Yeah, I bet you know exactly how to relax him!”
Desh strode closer to Rash and opened his mouth, ready to shout highly intelligent abuse at him.
I stopped him. “Leave him. I know he’s full of it, so does everyone else. I’m not going to let him get to me anymore, so neither should you,” I said.
“That’s the way!” Elise said chirpily, slapping me on the back.
I pulled in at the contact. “Did a mosquito just tap me on the back?” I asked.
She slapped me harder and a memory crept up and held me, angry, desperate hands trying to pull me down. Cuts, blood, fingernails digging, digging. I reached for Elise’s flask that she kept in her backpack pocket. I snatched it, and she turned around. When she saw the flask, she jumped to get it from my hands, which I held high in the air.
“Hey,” she giggled, her hair flapping up and down like a birds wings as she jumped.
I took a drink, letting it warm my stomach and calm my head. She was still trying to get the flask from my hands. I chuckled as she tried to hit me again.
“What was that? Oh wait, nah, it was just the wind,” I teased. Desh laughed along with Elise, but there was something off about it, strained.
“Here.” Desh offered his bottle of water. “Slow down.”
I took a large gulp of the spirit, ignoring the concerned stare coming at me from my other side and the water being tucked back into his bag.
“Give it here,” Elise said, taking the flask back.
Two drinks were enough for now—enough to keep bad thoughts in the background.
We stopped for lunch in a sheltered spot under cracked birches, shading large boulders. Thankfully, we’d been given ample supplies from the citizens of Palma. They’d refilled our packs and our flasks. I pulled my jacket around me as the clouds came over.
Gus threw his pack on the ground with a thump and turned to face me. Some of the others moved away from us like they were anticipating something. “Joseph.” he sighed my name.
I took a step backwards because I thought I knew what he was going to say. “What’s wrong, Gus?” My hands were two fists of rock.
Matt approached me, with Pelo shadowing him. Everyone else fanned out and away.
“We had a chat about your, er, situation…” My situation? What did that even mean? “And we’ve decided that you shouldn’t go in to Pau with Pelo. One of the others will go.”
My fists crumbled at my sides. “Why?” I knew why.
Matt put his injured hand on my shoulder. “We’re just not sure you’re coping so well at the moment. We know how much you miss Rosa and Orry.” Don’t say her name. “We’re worried you’re not thinking straight. Grief is… well…”
I took a shaky breath and threatened Matt with my eyes to finish that sentence. It wasn’t just about missing her. It was about facing her.
Pelo put his hand on my head and patted me like a dog. “I’ll find your parents, I promise. We all feel that maybe you should sit this one out, son.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. “Did I do something wrong in Palma?” I asked, knowing full well there was no point in arguing.
Gus shook his head. “No, but this really is for your own good.”
I pulled my hands through my hair and exhaled. “Jesus, Gus, don’t talk to me like I’m a child.” I wanted to say more but I left it. Nodding, I walked away.
Everyone was a bit annoyed, a bit uncomfortable, and it spurred our feet to move faster like we could escape it. The happiness from Palma seeped away as we neared Pau. The small chatter leaked to nothing as we headed towards the railway track.
By nightfall, we’d reached the rails and decided to camp in a tunnel. It didn’t worry me like it once would have. I was numb to memories. I wasn’t allowing anything past the solid barrier I’d built.
A small fire kept us warm and we hunched down over the tracks, the cold biting into our butts. A bearded man nudged me.
“I don’t know what Gus is on about,” he muttered. “You did a great job in Palma.”
I shrugged. The decision had been made and in a way, I was grateful for it being out of my hands. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go in, and now I didn’t have to. I tried not to examine my reasons too closely. Packed it away with the other feelings that kept trying to drag me down. I shivered as a cold blast of air shot through the tunnel and put my hands out to the fire to warm them.
The bearded man handed me a bottle, its contents sloshing around the bottom. “This will warm you up.”
I put my hand up to decline, but then changed my mind and took it. What did it matter?
I caught Rash’s eyes across the fire, and briefly, I thought I saw something other than anger in his eyes. It looked like pity, which was so much worse.
ROSA
Today I’m going to be brave. I am my only chance. I am strong. Today, I will turn every slap, every break, every time they shake me and turn me upside down to see what will fall out, into bloody action. There is no choice.
I wound my strength tighter. Turned it over and over like a bandage in my hands, until they were wrapped like a boxer’s. They didn’t think I would do this and that was where they’d fail. I was bigger than stunts and stupid outfits. I could be bigger than all of them.
Denis led me downstairs. I talked as I normally would. I snapped at him. In the elevator I said, “Well, at least I don’t have too much more torture left to deal with, huh?” Denis’ shoulders pulled in, and he stared at the door. Yeah, guilt was an uncomfortable feeling, it dug in, constricted you like a too-tight, high-necked jacket, each regret pulled the buckles and straps tauter, each wrong action dragged the zip nearer to your throat. He had a lot to feel guilty about.
My thoughts were not on Grant. They were with Gwen. Save. Gwen’s. Life.
You can do this.
The doors slid open and I walked through the garage with Denis close to me, his hand always hovering at my waist. My eyes glanced at the dark door, the one that opened into nightmares. My body twitched like someone flicked a switch inside me, sending a sharp slap of pain up my spine and out my nostrils. I looked away and turned in on the one thought I had to sustain. Do it.
We took two more steps and my desperate eyes found what I needed, lying there like a cut snake, silver, heavy, perfect.
I pretend to trip, knelt down, and snatched the piece of metal from beneath the front of the gleaming, green car. Denis leaned down to help me, and I swung around.
I hate the noise. I hate it.
The ‘crack’ as I hit Denis as hard as I could burrowed into my head and made a nest so it could stay there.
He appeared confused. His eyebrows drawn down like brackets around his rolling eyes. He put his hand to the side of his head like he wasn’t sure if it was still there. Regret crept up my throat, but I swallowed it. I searched his pockets and found what I needed, his handheld. He resisted me but softly, flopping around like a fish on a jetty. I grabbed his wrist and pulled back his sleeve, quickly taking a photo of his wrist tattoo. He didn’t make a sound. Staring at me with urgent, weeping eyes, he mouthed, “Run.” Then he rolled to his side and coughed.