“My son is perfectly fine. He’s my son; he’s designed to be resilient.”
I wanted to say, No, he’s designed to be afraid of you.
“What are you going to do to me now?” I asked.
He stroked his jaw; he was enjoying teasing this out, stretching me over the rack. “Nothing yet. I have a few more things I need from you. Come here.” He beckoned with his finger.
I approached him out of pure fear. My body moved like a puppet. He had a hold of the strings and he jerked them forward.
“Give me your hand,” he said, holding his own palm upward.
I did as I was told.
He ran his forefinger over my bony wrist and turned it over. Taking a scanner from his desk, he scanned my code. It had been so long that it felt like a stab in the guts.
It beeped, and he released me.
“Now go to your room,” he said, waving me away.
“Wh… what?” I stammered.
“Leave!”
I stumbled out of the room, dreading each step, wondering what horrible plan he had for me. Because there was no way I was getting away with this. None at all.
Judith met me at the door to our room. The guard tagged her and left. I was always accompanied, never alone.
I hoped she would tell me. “Where’s Denis? Is he badly hurt?” I asked, gripping her arm. My hand slipped off her satin shirt.
She eyed me suspiciously for a moment. “He’s in the hospital. Broken nose, bruised jaw, mild concussion. He’ll be fine.”
I sucked in my bottom lip, completely ashamed of myself. This was not me.
She ushered me inside and shut the door. Her eyes intense, her face stripped of its usual mask.
She pushed me against the wall, suddenly stronger than I would have thought possible. Her perfume stung my eyes, and her breath smelled like candy. Her face was so close when she whispered, “Did you get the pills?” I gasped, closing my eyes and trying to make sense of her asking me that question.
“Rosa, this is important. Did you find them?”
I nodded. Had I been I wrong about her?
“Give them to me,” she demanded.
I shook my head slowly. I was swimming in a pool of disbelief, barely keeping my head above water.
“How do I know you won’t give them to Grant?”
“Listen to me very carefully, Rosa. Denny told me what you’re planning. He trusted me. So you can trust me. Besides, you won’t be leaving this room until…” she paused, licking her glossy lips, “until Daddy’s procedure. You have no other way of getting them to the test subject.”
I straightened my back and dusted off the shock. “Her name is Gwen.”
Judith jutted her palm towards my face, frustrated.
“Whatever. You know you don’t have a choice. You know I’m tired of pretending. We all are. I can help you.”
I leaned down and pulled the pills from my sock. They were heavy in my fingers. They were the solution and end to so many of my problems and yet, I didn’t want to let them go. She shoved her hand at me impatiently, like a teacher waiting for you to surrender your contraband. I winced as I dropped them in her palm. Fingers with nails painted in rainbows folded over Gwen’s only chance of survival.
“I don’t trust you,” I whispered, fighting back tears at my complete lack of control in this situation.
“You don’t need to. You just need to trust that I will do this one thing. I know it’s best for all of us,” she said.
I’m not one of you. I’m not part of your ‘us’, I thought, but I’m not sure I know who I am anymore.
She stepped away from me, tucking the pills into her breast pocket of shiny pink satin. “I have to go,” she said, pausing at the bathroom mirror to fix her hair and lipstick.
I caught her arm as she started to open the door. “Wait. When is the test day?”
She looked confused as she answered, “I thought you must have known they’ve changed the dates. It’s today.”
I let her go. Everything rushed past me, and the air sucked from the room.
I fell to my knees and prayed someone would tell me what happened to Gwen.
JOSEPH
Two more days and I’d be home. Although home was not the right word. No, I’d be back where I’d started. Changed so much, I barely recognized myself.
I am years older and miles sadder.
Elise balanced on the railway line. Every now and then, she’d steady herself on my shoulder. She seemed happy. I tried to be a mirror. I wanted to be in the moment like her, not looking back and definitely not into the future. There was nothing to be gained except pain. I cringed when a small window opened onto images I was trying so hard to forget. My past was filled with the faces of lives I’d stolen.
My eyes dropped to the orange gravel beneath my shoes. We never walked this part of the line the first time. I knew she rode the Spinners to Pau on this part… I shook my head and stared out over the forest below. The snow was still having a hard time getting a grip on the branches, but every day it got colder and bleaker.
Pelo strode up to me and clapped me on the shoulder. “Tell me, young Joseph, can you remind me what your parents look like and their names? It’s been a long time since I last saw them.” The future. I didn’t want to think about the future.
Desh answered for me. “Didn’t you always say your dad looked just like you except he didn’t have a broken nose?”
“Yes,” I nodded, tipping my head to the sky. The pale blue reminded me of Orry’s one blue eye. It had always been lighter than hers.
“Oh, yes, that’s right! I remember now. Such a big man, just like you,” Pelo recalled, his eyes gazing on some far away dot on the horizon.
Dad had felt so bad about breaking my nose. Memories were trying to break the bag I’d shoved them in. Her sweet, angry face when I’d told her how I’d broke it. Her small fingers curling into a fist like she was going to hunt the culprit down and make them pay.
Stop. Please stop it. I want you out of my head, please, just for a moment. There was no peace.
Pelo coughed, his hand still gripping my tense shoulder. “And their names were Jonathan and…?”
“Jonathan and Stephanie Sulle,” I replied. “My mother looks like, well, she looks a lot like Apella, except taller. Thin, fair hair, blue eyes.”
Elise winked and toppled off the tracks. “Like me!”
I smiled flatly. “I guess, but older, wrong eye color… so no, not really. You really love being the center of attention, don’t you?” I jabbed her ribs playfully. She giggled.
I tried to force that giggle to be something I wanted.
I thought I saw Pelo narrow his eyes in her direction but then he smiled gently. “Yes. Yes. It’s coming back to me now. I’ll find them, Joseph,” he said reassuringly.
I sighed.
Olga toddled forward, pushing between us and grabbing Gus by the sleeve. “Can I go with Pelo? I know I’m not a Survivor, but I’d dearly love to contribute.”
Gus didn’t break stride, and she struggled to keep up with him. “You’re not in the best shape,” he said, casting a critical eye over her round body.
She wheezed as her short legs struggled to take a railway sleeper at a time. “All right, well, give me something to do.”
Gus grunted and tapped his chin. “Communications.”
She seemed to jump in excitement. “Yes! Fabulous! Communications.”
Olga was a strange woman, but lovable. I stopped and left the tracks to find a tree to piss on, and Desh followed me.
We were engulfed in foliage immediately.
“Hey man, wait up,” he puffed, snapping the branches back.