Right. I was just a clueless idiot. She tramped down the hill towards the camp.
What the hell had I done?
I heaved but nothing came out. I couldn’t even get that relief.
Rash put his hand on my back. “I’d punch you, but at this point, it’d be like kicking a dog when it’s already chewed its own legs off and it’s begging me to end its suffering.”
No one could end my suffering. I gripped the rails like I was trying to pull them from the ground. Rash stood over me in judgment. As he should.
“I haven’t given up. I know she’s alive,” I said to his darkening shadow.
He took a step back from me, in disgust.
“You know, she chose you. And I guess I’d always assumed it was for a reason, that you deserved her.”
“Maybe I did. But I don’t anymore.”
“And what? You thought you should just add an extra nail to your coffin? Why the hell would you do this, do… her?” He pointed down the hill.
A self-pitying sob escaped my lips. “I don’t know. I was trying to forget.”
Rash’s exasperated voice pinned me to the ground. “Forget what? Rosa?”
No and Yes. I shook my head, empty of answers. “You don’t know what I’ve done, Rash.”
“Do you?” he asked sharply.
I sat back in the gravel. “What do you mean?”
“Do you actually remember what you did?” he challenged, pointing a finger at my heart.
“I remember enough.” Their faces after. All the blood.
He ran his hands through his hair, clasped them behind his head, and a landslide of curses poured from his mouth. “Get up.”
“What?” I sniffed.
“Get up, man,” he snapped angrily. “If you really believe she’s alive, then stop being such a dickhead. Ugh! What the hell do you think you’re doing? Get it together. Like now. And I suggest you talk to Deshi, like really talk to him about what happened. You’re an idiot. And right now, I should kick your ass for it.”
I stood up. He was right. I nearly did the worst thing I could have ever done to her. We wouldn’t have come back from it.
I was broken. But if I’d slept with Elise, there would have been no way of putting me, or us, back together. I’d like to think I would have stopped myself, but I just didn’t know.
I owed Rash my life.
ROSA
Colors cross my life unexpectedly. They come in streams and strokes. But at the moment, in this part, where I can no longer find myself, they are broad splashes of red against black with deep fingernails scratches dragging across the surface. Nothing else. Because I am losing my light.
I had to fight off darker thoughts. I had a shield in my hands. It was gold; it felt light and warm in my hands. I paced around Judith’s room, picking up random items, inspecting them and throwing them back into place. If this didn’t work, I didn’t even know what would happen to Gwen. Dr. Yashin never told me. I could tell from the way she hugged herself, the way her eyes pooled with moisture, shining like glass, that it was bad. Really bad. Gwen didn’t deserve to die like that. I shook my head and tried to stop myself from going back to the thought that continually plagued me. Did anyone deserve to die?
“No. Stop,” I said to my reflection, slapping my hands down on the dresser, beads and necklaces jingling and swaying in front of the mirror me. I couldn’t think like that.
I sat on my bed and clasped my hands tight, then released them, throwing my hands above my head. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Falling back on the bed, I closed my eyes.
Joseph, where are you now? I know you’re thinking of me. I feel it. It presses out of my chest like rays of light splitting my ribs. I want you to know that you’re always on my mind, in my heart. Memories will keep me going, but they’re like feeding a spoonful of rice to a starving person. It’s not enough, never enough. I need the real thing.
But they were all I had.
I breathed in. Filling my lungs with something other than false air and perfume.
Do you remember our first kiss?
To me, it was an explosion. A realization that maybe I could be more and have more than scowls and disappointment. Your lips… I clutched my chest, a sharp pang stretching and snapping over my heart. This hurt almost as much as it helped. His lips had felt like a home I never thought I could have. One I definitely didn’t deserve.
I let out a strained, “Oh.”
I didn’t feel that way now. Joseph was mine. It took me a long time to believe it, to accept it.
I reached out to the air and felt him settle beside me on the bed. If he were here, he would wiggle his arm under my torso. I’d complain that it was digging into my back. I’d roll towards his chest, and he’d fold over me. I’d say, Your arm weighs a hundred kilos! It’s suffocating me. He would chuckle, and I would revel in the sound. I would want to make it solid and wear it. I’d sling my leg over his and try to cover him with my small, insubstantial body. His heart would beat steadily; mine would rattle and jump impatiently.
‘I love you’ were words I wouldn’t need to say. They existed in our intertwined limbs, our mixing breath. Our beautiful child.
“Orry,” I whispered. It had been weeks. Was that too long? Would he know me?
A tear slid across my cheek and into my ear.
She didn’t knock. She slipped through the door and stepped lightly over the carpet until she was standing over the bed, her hands pressed into the sheets as she leaned over my still frame.
“You’re sleeping?”
I opened one eye and grimaced. “No.” I was dreaming. Awake but dreaming.
I sat up on my elbows and waited. Judith smiled. Which could have meant anything from ‘my hair looks good today’ to ‘Gwen survived.’
Judith handed me a sandwich, which I unwrapped and took a large bite.
“Well?” I snapped, my mouth full of bread. I was getting tired of her stretched grin.
Her face composed as she flicked crumbs from the quilt. She looked at me through slit eyes, silver eye shadow stuck in the folds of her lids.
“Your friend survived. I managed to slip the pills to her before the procedure. And then, when it was time to take them, I made sure everyone was looking at me,” she said grandly, pointing to her chest. “I also made sure she had privacy when it was time to void.” Her mouth screwed up unpleasantly at the word.
“Where is she? Can I see her?” I asked desperately, clutching the quilt.
She laughed, or more like cackled. “Of course you can’t see her. She’s back in the holding cells. But I can tell you she walked there. With her own two legs!” Judith said proudly, as if she’d performed a miracle.
Relief stuck in my throat. Gwen was alive, she walked, but her safety was very temporary. Each part of this plan was like climbing a crumbling staircase. Each step you mounted left the one behind disintegrating just as your foot left it. I was hanging in midair, mid-step, wondering what to do next.
I swallowed the sweet-tasting bread and asked, “So what happens now?”
She went to her dresser, sat down, and started pulling pins out of her hair or her head, who knew?
“Daddy’s procedure will take place tonight. He wants you there.”
Tonight.
I let my head fall back against the headboard. It was so soon. Too soon. My face must have said it all because Judith commented, “You needn’t look so panicked. You don’t have to do anything. In fact, the only thing you must do is nothing.”