Just do nothing.
Do nothing and watch Grant die.
JOSEPH
I did manage to vomit. All the alcohol hit at once and all my disgust in myself came charging out of me.
Rash jumped back. “Watch the shoes, man,” he yelled.
I wiped my mouth with my shirt. “Sorry.”
My head cleared enough for me to realize something. “Hey, you said I should talk to Desh about what really happened. What do you even know about it?” I asked, my words still slurred.
Rash swore and helped me up, yanking me away from the tunnel. “I can’t think clearly with that damn smell. God dude, have you eaten anything except beer and spirits today?”
I shook my head.
We stood on the railway tracks facing each other, well, me looking down on him. The clouds cleared a little, and I could just make out his stern expression.
“What do you think happens every time you disappear for some of your ‘alone’ time?” he asked, making air quotes.
“You make it sound so dirty,” I said, instantly regretting it.
Rash shoved me in the chest. “Don’t make me hit you.”
I kind of wanted him to. I slipped my hand through my hair. “I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.”
“Something we can all agree on!” Rash swore again and stared up at the stars. “Deshi is worried about you, and so are the others. He needed to talk to someone, and I was there. He told me what really happened. And don’t worry, he didn’t tell anyone else. I don’t even want to get started on the fact that you blamed Rosa for it when you told Matthew.”
I took a step back, preparing for him to punch me. But he didn’t. He sighed and reached out to me, awkwardly patting my arm. “Look, I understand guilt,” he muttered. I shook my head, I doubted it, but let him continue. “I know the faces are always there, waiting in your dreams, ready to torture you. You’ve got to let it go. You have to understand that part of the night was not your fault. You were trying to live.” He took a deep breath. “And I know I’ve given you hell, but it’s not because I don’t understand why you left her. It’s because I miss her, and I wish it had gone a different way. Honestly, I wish it had been you left on that table.”
I stepped towards him. “I wish that too, Rash. Every day.”
Rash threw his hands up in the air. “Ok. That’s enough heart to heart for me. I think I’m gonna be sick myself. Just talk to Deshi, get yourself sorted out. She’s going to need you.”
He stormed away from me, swearing and kicking rocks as he went. And it hurt me to watch him, because he was so like Rosa. But this time, I let it in. It was better to feel something than nothing at all.
He was right about everything. Look where hiding from my problems had got me. But facing them seemed impossible, like if I tried, I would lose whatever was left of me.
I had to talk to Desh.
I stayed under the bath of moonlight for a while, letting my fear subside before I moved. And I cried. I cried for what I’d lost, what I might lose, and what I might learn.
The camp was quiet. Most were sleeping. Olga was propped up in her sleeping bag, grasping a handheld. When she saw me, she blinked up, her mouth crinkled, her eyes startled.
“Sorry Olga, I didn’t mean to frighten you,” I whispered.
She clicked the off button atop the screen and dropped the handheld in her lap. “Joseph! Where have you been? I was just sending a quick message to Palma letting them know of our next move and where to meet if they want to join us for the liberation of the children and pregnant girls.” She made it sound like a party she was inviting them to.
“Right… well, I just needed to talk to Desh.” I picked over the snoring bodies until I found him, sleeping neatly on a rolled-up jacket, his hand clasped over his stomach, his face peaceful. I nudged him with my foot and he snorted.
“Desh. Wake up.”
His eyes opened slowly. “What?” he groaned, still half asleep.
“I’m ready to talk,” I murmured, aware of all the listening ears around us.
He properly awoke and sat up on his elbows. “Okay,” he said warily.
“Not here,” I insisted quietly.
We got up and walked away from the camp.
Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw a screen light up. But the moon was fully exposed now. It was probably just light reflecting off a saucepan or cup.
We walked for about half an hour. Desh huffing and puffing nervously. Streaks of pink showed through the trees. Their icy branches looked splattered in purple and pink paint as the sun started to rise. We stopped and Desh turned around, his face anguished, a couple of tears rolling slowly down his dark cheeks. He sniffed and wiped them away.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, scared of what he might say.
“I need to tell you something,” he began, and then he stared down at his feet and wiped his eyes again. “Este tortured me. She threatened me. She told me they knew where Hessa was and if I didn’t finish the healer, they would go after him and the rest of you. I took my time, made mistakes I would never usually make, so you had longer to get away from the Wall. But every hour I wasted, she made me pay for, dearly. I hated her. She was a crazy, obsessed monster,” he rattled off so fast I could barely keep up.
I put a hand on his shoulder. He was shaking. “It’s all right, Desh, I know. But she can’t hurt you anymore.” Because I shot her.
He glanced up at me, his eyes red. The sun filtered through the bleak, black branches and hit me in the face. I closed my eyes.
He shook his head vehemently. “No Joe, you don’t know. I watched you; I didn’t help fight off all those men. Those men were going to kill you. They tried to… But you were so strong, like a bull being speared over and over, but you kept fighting. I saw you pull one off only to have another jump on you. Every single thing you did was in defense of your life. Every… single… thing.” He annunciated each word slowly. “I could have helped you, but I didn’t. I was too scared to die.”
I flinched at his description. I couldn’t remember much. I just remember the part after, where they were all dead in front of me.
“It’s all right, Desh. I’m not angry with you for hanging back.”
He avoided my eyes. “You don’t understand. Este was watching you so intently that she didn’t even notice me. She didn’t see the gun in my hand. She had no clue. You were fighting for your life and instead of helping you, I calmly walked over and shot her.”
My legs weakened. I leaned back and braced myself against a tree. “You killed Este?” My voice was as rough as the bark I was leaning against.
Desh looked at me then, his brown eyes completely still, calm. “Yes. I killed her, and I’m not even remotely sorry about it. She threatened my son, my family.” He paused for breath. “You know that’s one of the reasons I love you, Joe. You’ve been taking this so hard because you’re too good inside. You’re a good man.”
I wished people would stop saying that.
I stumbled and gripped the tree with both hands behind me. “You’re a good man too, Desh,” I managed.
“I know. But not like you, which is fine. I just wish you’d let me tell you sooner. Maybe I should have tried harder to get you to listen, but part of me was happy to put it in the past. I’m sorry.”
I waved my hand at him. “It doesn’t matter. I still… um… those other men…”
“Would have killed you.”
But I still left her behind. I still nearly slept with Elise. It would not be that simple. These deaths and actions were not written in chalk that could be washed away. They were carved all over my skin.