He turned away from me and I thought, just for one second, that maybe he was considering my plea. Then he said, “Gag her.” His voice was sharp, like a dagger.
The guard grabbed a scarf from one of the women and stuffed it into my mouth and my scream of, “No!” was muffled. The clean silk cut into the corners of my lips as he tied it tightly, and I was silenced. Denis sighed in disappointment, and Judith regarded me with wane sympathy.
The technician started his countdown again. “Three… two…”
This would follow me forever.
JOSEPH
I felt lighter as we walked towards Pau. Not unburdened, more like I wasn’t alone. I still carried a heavy weight, but with my friends next to me, it seemed slightly easier.
Matt stopped ahead of us and pointed down; I could barely see him through the sleety rain. But his torch cut a line through the forest. We would trek all night. The trees were sparser here, so we needed the cover of darkness to get closer.
Rosa and Careen had told us there were caves to hide in. I imagined her battling her way through the snowstorm they encountered, and I swelled with pride. She was tough.
Pulling my hood down over my brow, I skidded down the wet hill.
I had a purpose now. It was to get myself together. Try to accept what happened on the night I lost her and regain parts of myself I hadn’t let live and breathe since then. I had time. I was going to complete this mission, get Orry, and find her. In that order.
“This weather is atrocious!” Olga exclaimed as she waddled past me. She seemed in a hurry. I’d never seen her rush for anything.
Elise slung her arm over Olga’s shoulder and shielded her from the rain with the flap of her jacket.
“Yep, it’s going to be a looong night.”
They were the last words I heard from anyone for the rest of the night. It was too hard to talk through the rain when we needed every last ounce of energy to keep walking. Pau held more meaning for many of us—our former home, family, memories.
My mind was on Rosa.
When I’d thought of her these past few weeks I’d stopped at the pain part, shut myself down. This time I allowed the pain to rise, but then I dug through and found that underneath, there was still comfort, warmth.
I hugged my arms to my chest and watched Pelo almost galloping forward through the churning storm. He was like her in so many ways, but not in the quiet ways. I remember when we first met; those days of walking where I did all of the talking and… She. Just. Listened. And I could tell she was listening because of the flush that crept up her neck when I complimented her or the warmth in her eyes when I told her about my parents. My heart skipped to life at thought of that blush. That was the best color in the world to me. It told me I had affected her. All I ever wanted to do was affect her, impact her life, and make her feel something.
If you’re thinking of me, please know I’m thinking of you. I want to wrap you up, shield you. But I know you’re strong. You’ll do what needs to be done. I’ll make this promise. I am in pieces, but I will slot them back together. I will be as whole as I can when I see you again.
ROSA
Grant lay on the cold metal bench, his fists clenched, his legs flopped apart casually. I bit into the silk and tasted the salt of my tears that just wouldn’t stop. Denis had isolated himself from me as if I were a hysterical, catching disease. He stood as close to the window as possible. His body locked into place by will. He was able to fool everyone, and it was frightening.
I leaned back in my chair, straining my neck to focus on the corner where the large window met the bumpy, pilling carpeted wall. No one’s attention was on me now. I was a fly buzzing haplessly in the corner. All eyes were on the man with wasted legs and muscled arms. My eyes were the only ones that wanted to turn away but couldn’t.
“…one…”
Watching it from the outside was a very different experience. But a memory of pain still ran a routed course through my veins. I could feel the searing burn of blue liquid under my own skin as I watched Grant’s body convulse when it entered his. He was silent, his mouth a punched, hard line, but the scream lay plain across his face. His eyes pooled with water, and his arms lifted slightly as he gripped the seams of his hospital gown in his hands. He thought the agony was going to be worth it. He thought this suffering was a means to healing… not a means to his end.
I pulled my legs up to my chest and rocked back and forth, trying to shut it out. But it was useless. Thoughts banged in my head, clanging like an empty drum. He had said my death would not be easy. When was death easy? I was trapped between my fear of dying and my fear of what I was about to see. There was no avenue to escape, no wall to climb. I would have to watch my actions play out in front of me, just as I had watched myself die over and over again.
“I tried,” I told myself, my lips stretching over the green and pink silk flowers. “I tried.” Words dried up.
I tried, I tried, I tried.
The guard slapped my shoulder and told me to shut up.
Five minutes of pain, and he thought it would be over.
The glass coffin lifted and people gasped before Grant had even moved or spoken. A whitecoat moved to him and attempted to mop Grant’s forehead with a washcloth. Grant waved him off in irritation, pulled himself up to sitting, and laughed.
The crowd shuffled closer, pulled in by the maniacal laughter, and for a moment, I couldn’t see him. I didn’t want to see the joy on his face. But I could hear it.
Camille’s voice passed through the crowd. “Oh Judy,” she sighed happily. “Did you see that? He just wiggled his toes.”
“I did, Mother. It’s amazing!” Judith crooned. “This will change his whole life.” Her voice had taken on a very considered tone.
He had fifteen minutes to enjoy his legs.
People took turns congratulating him through the intercom. Sekimbo shoved through the guests, shouldering a woman out of the way, and slobbering drunkenly over the intercom. “Well done, Wyatt, well done, friend. Now you can…”
“Daddy, wait!” interrupted whatever uncouth thing Sekimbo was about to say as the guests jostled like tenpins. Judith’s breathless, willowy body pushed through and she landed on the intercom, her thin fingers hanging off the plastic rectangle like she needed it to hold her up.
The crowd pulled back from the window, and I could see clearly again. Grant sat up on the edge of the bed, delighted by his own, working legs, lifting them and rolling his ankles. His face lit up with a genuine smile that fell into a grimace at the sound of Judith’s voice.
He signaled the tech to open the mic. His voice stretched as taut as a set catapult when he barked, “Wait for what?”
From a pocket in her dress, she produced two white pills sealed in a plastic bag. Denis stumbled backwards like they were going to blow up in her palm. I didn’t know what to feel. Relief I wasn’t involved in a murder? Dread I was going to be executed? Every emotion whirred together like a cyclone and sucked into the sky, leaving me an empty shell, watching this play out like a video, a play, a plot.
“Daddy, they tried to make me do it, but I knew it was wrong. They threatened me and Mother, and I didn’t think I had a choice.” She held up the pills and showed them to everyone. “Denny was plotting to murder Superior Grant by withholding these pills.” Her eyes narrowed and her true self was revealed. It had been hiding beneath a layer of taffeta and torn words. She betrayed us.