“It’s okay…It was an accident,” I whispered.
“Denis?” Deshi’s shocked voice carried suspicion and hope.
We swung around and watched as Denis carefully picked his way towards us from the bushes, his long legs slipping gracefully between the plants without touching them.
“I can fly it,” he said, his bruise-shadowed face pulling between grave and nervous.
JOSEPH
I wish so many things. Mostly, I wish for time.
To go back. To savor. To fast forward. To control.
I want to tell them everything and nothing.
“Matt!” I jogged to catch up with him as he headed into the crowd to check more people for injuries. He paused. Soft gazes swung our way. The people of Pau Brazil were soaked in grief. But some were starting to move, to question and interact with the Survivors. There was no anger, only curiosity at the moment. I prayed it would stay that way.
“Joseph!” Matt’s voice was welcoming. My words for him were lead-coated.
“I need to tell you something.”
“Mhm…” Matt fumbled around in his pack for his stethoscope.
“It wasn’t Rosa. It was me and Deshi.” I breathed the words out slowly, watching them turn to steam.
Matt’s gaze was kind. “I know. Deshi told me what happened. I know you can’t see it yet, but you’ll get through it.” He placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder that may as well have been a sharp hook. “Have you spoken to your parents?”
“My parents are already upset with me. They feel like they only just got me back and now I’m leaving again. I don’t think I can add any more stress to their lives right now,” I blurted.
Matt nodded, doctoring me. I could almost see him taking notes on my PTSD in his head. “And Rosa?”
“I don’t know how.” I don’t know where to start. Matt didn’t even know about Elise. I’d made a mess so high and so deep I didn’t know how to wade out of it or even if I deserved to.
“You’ll figure it out,” he said, unperturbed, like it was a given.
ROSA
I watched Denis and Deshi carefully as we prepared for our journey. They seemed friendly enough but there was no tearful reunion or any obvious evidence of a romantic relationship. Denis revolved around Deshi as if he were the sun, but he never touched him. When Denis climbed into the cockpit of the chopper, my eyes fell to Deshi as I tried to decipher something that was possibly never there.
“Rosa, I can feel you staring at me,” Deshi growled while he was bent over his pack.
“You’re just so stunning in those camo clothes!” I joked.
He stood up and grinned at me. “I missed you.” He paused, his eyes softening.
I stepped closer to his side, our hips touching as I wrapped my arm around his narrow waist. Unlike Joseph, I could probably wrap my arms around Deshi twice.
“Did he miss me?” Our eyes rested on Joseph, who was talking to his father near the bombsite. Really, I knew he had. I don’t why I needed the reassurance; things just seemed a little off with him.
Deshi wiggled out of my grip and faced me—in his expression lay all the truths and answers I wanted and didn’t want. I looked away.
“I don’t even know how to express to you how much he missed you, blamed himself, and almost died without you. Rosa, he’s struggling. Even with you back, I’m worried about him.”
I didn’t need to hear that. “Is it because of what he did?” I asked, my heart pounding, shock waves running through me as the hours spent watching video after video of Joseph killing those soldiers rose like magic ink in my brain.
Deshi’s eyes bugged out in a surprise and for a second, his mouth hung open. It was very unlike him and he quickly composed himself.
“You know what he did?” he asked, his voice high and cracked.
“Please, don’t tell him,” I pleaded. “Part of my tort… I mean, interrogations, was watching the surveillance from that night. I saw myself… dying.” I kind of gulped dryly at the memory. It was physical, running through me like the knife that killed me. “And I saw what Joseph did after. They showed it to me… a lot.”
Deshi sighed. “Oh…” There it was again. That beat of silence like there was a missing word lying flat on his tongue. “Jesus, Rosa, that’s horrible.”
I nodded, trying to slow my breath and stop the shaking. Joseph walked towards us, a determined look on his face. He stomped through the grass loudly, and I wondered what his father had said.
I whispered to Deshi as he gripped both my wrists reassuringly. “I know what he’s like, I know he’s probably been beating himself up about what he did, but he didn’t have a choice. He would have died.”
Deshi let me go as Joseph brushed through the spindly trees bordering the chopper. Ice crept up their trunks and froze their shoulders. I breathed in the smell of icy pine and smoldering fires as if it were a drug I couldn’t get enough of.
“You’re just going to have to talk to him,” Deshi said with urgency winding round and round his voice.
I bowed my head. The words how and when pushed their way out of the dirt like spring flowers at my feet.
“What are you two talking about?” Joseph smiled, and the sun peeked out between his lips.
I tried it out; I let the golden rays hit my face and warm me.
“You,” I teased. Something like panic and fear swept across his face like a breeze, and then it was gone. “It’s okay. Nothing bad,” I said, my hands up in defense.
“Nothing bad, man.” Deshi backed me up.
Denis poked his head out of the cabin. “Are you ready to leave?”
I jumped, feeling on edge. “Is Rosa-May still with Pelo?” I asked Joseph.
“She is. Are you sure you want to bring her?” He brought a hand to my hair, and I felt like I might cry because there was air and awkwardness between us. His touch was comfort and heartbreak. It reminded me of things I’d lost, and it brought me back home.
“I’m not leaving her behind. I’m all she has.” I set my mouth.
He grinned. “So I have a daughter now?”
I laughed at his acceptance, his readiness to let Rosa-May into our family.
“Well, technically, she’s sort of like your sister-in-law. Is that right, Matthew?”
Matthew handed me a sack full of food and smirked. “I don’t think there’s a traditional word that fits your situation. All I know is, she’s lucky to have you both.”
The others gathered around to say goodbye. Gwen knocked my shoulder and whispered, “Good luck.”
Everyone exchanged looks as the blades began to churn and distort the air and words became too difficult. Deshi slapped Elise on the back, rather hard, and she pursed her lips at him before breaking into a stunning smile directed at Joseph and me.
Pelo handed me Rosa-May and yelled to me, “I want to come with you.”
I shook my head. He was needed here.
Jonathan and Steph held hands and waved to their son. When Steph’s eyes caught mine, they narrowed suspiciously. I got the feeling I wasn’t what she’d hoped for as a match for her son.
The air buzzed. Joseph grabbed my waist and hoisted me into the chopper, bending his head and following me inside. Deshi strode to the co-pilot chair and strapped himself in, busily connecting my handheld to the choppers’ navigational system. I strapped Rosa-May in, her face flushed and confused. I wished there was more I could do for her, a way to explain. The craft rattled and did a one-legged dance as it jerkily lifted into the air.