The surviving members of our original group of escapees sat at the table. And despite their physical absence, the spirits of Apella and Clara were still there, in Hessa’s eyes and Alexei’s sad, wandering smile. Every time he shook his head slightly, or closed his eyes longer than normal, I felt he was having an invented conversation with her. It caused an aching and a comfort in me like a pillow stuffed with spiky grass.
Over cooked game and tinned vegetables, we talked about what had happened and what was yet to happen. We couldn’t leave until Pietre was well enough, in a few days, which was fine by all of us. It gave us sorely needed time to prepare ourselves.
“I can’t believe they went that far, to kill that many citizens in one dreadful act,” Alexei muttered into his food. “I also can’t believe two Superiors are dead.”
Joseph and I exchanged a glance that spun and collided. Words traveled silently, bouncing off each other, in the space between our gaze.
“And four towns are free?” Careen asked Joseph, her elbows propped up on the table, leaning forward intently.
He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “I think they are at least on their way to being free,” he answered.
“I wish I’d seen it,” I mumbled.
Joseph’s gaze folded over me, a scorch, a cinder, an ember. “I wish that too.”
“So much has changed in such a short period of time!” Alexei exclaimed. “It’s unbelievable.”
“It sure is,” I said, my face pulling into a nasty frown that I directed towards Joseph. He leaned back, his face drowning in hurt and regret.
He stood up suddenly. “I’m going to check on the patient.”
I stood too, glancing at the rabble of three children getting to know each other the way they knew best, tumbling in a ball and throwing things around the room. “I think I’ll put the children to bed.”
We left a cloud of concern hovering over the table.
I had more hands to hold than I could manage, and I beckoned Deshi to help me. We scooped the children up and climbed the short flight of stairs to the room that Hessa and Orry had been sharing.
Rosa-May undressed herself easily. The boys needed help, and I was glad to see Hessa allowing Deshi to help him pull on his pajama top. I felt sure they’d get there.
We tucked them in, their eyes already heavy as the light was turned down low. I kneeled down on the floor, my eyes finding each sleepy face. I kissed them. Deshi sat neatly beside me, his arm loosely on my shoulder.
I opened my mouth to say goodnight, but music flowed from my lips instead. “Once there was a way to get back homeward.
Once there was a way to get back home.”
Orry’s eyes were pools of innocence, cool blue and rich brown. Pure, muddy waters.
“Sleep pretty darling, do not cry,
And I will sing a lullaby.”
Hessa’s face was at peace. He smiled drowsily and dug his head deeper into his pillow. His mother’s face rose from him.
“Golden slumbers fill your eyes.
Smiles await you when you rise.
Sleep pretty darling, do not cry,
And I will sing a lullaby.”
Rosa-May’s husky voice whispered through the dark, “Guhnight,” and my smile glowed like a nightlight.
JOSEPH
I didn’t know it could hurt this much, to hear her voice. Because I’m scared she won’t ever look at me the same. I’m scared I’ll only ever get to hear her from a distance now.
I was outside the door, shamelessly listening to Rosa sing, when they both backed out and smacked into me.
She turned suddenly and was pressed against my chest, her beautiful eyes fluttering up at me. I could feel that she loved me, wanted me. But she would always fight against it, and she had every right to be angry.
My eyes slipped to her lips, pursed in frustration, and I wanted to kiss her. Every minute of every day, I wanted to kiss her. I cursed myself for not doing it when I first held her, dirt-crusted and wearing that hideous dress. But that kiss would have been a lie. Until I’d told her the truth, everything would have been a lie.
“I’m going to bed, guys,” Desh muttered, squeezing passed us.
“Night,” I said without looking at him.
She brought her arms up to my chest. I breathed in, hoping she was going to lean towards me, but she pushed us apart.
Alexei clattered in the kitchen, wiped his hands on a tea towel, and looked at us both over his glasses.
She squirmed uncomfortably. “You look tired. You should go to bed too,” she said, flustered. At least I think that was what she said. I was watching her lips move but not really listening to her words. I couldn’t stand this barrier between us. I didn’t want to be in the eye of her storm, where it was calm, still, infuriatingly quiet. If I couldn’t be out there with the rain stinging my face, the wind sending a blur of leaves and debris dashing in front of my eyes, then I wasn’t really with her.
“Joseph…?” My arms had wrapped around her waist of their own accord. She wiggled out of my grasp and walked down the stairs to the lounge area where Careen sat, sipping tea. I shrugged and went to the room we’d been given. I promised I would do what she wanted.
I flicked on the light by the bed and undressed. It was so warm in the chalet that I only needed the lightweight pajamas I found in a drawer. I slid under the warm quilt and praised the Survivors for their planning. This place was like their other hideaways, well stocked, comfortable, and like home.
I turned off the light and lay on my side of the bed, leaving wishful room for her. Staring out of the window at the moonlight reflecting off the snow, I hoped the door would creak open, that she’d crawl in beside me, wrap her arms around my shoulders, and the last month would just melt away.
ROSA
“I made you some tea,” Careen said, blowing steam over the top of the mug cupped in both her hands and nodding towards another on the coffee table. Candles waved indecisively in the corners of the room.
“Thanks.” I took the mug and let it heat my fingers.
“So what’s going on with you two?” she blurted, pointing her finger between me and the closed bedroom door before I could even take a sip.
I gulped the scalding water and coughed. The sweetness fuzzed my teeth instantly.
“Seriously, Rosa. From what I can gather, you’ve been apart for only a month and now you’re acting very strange with each other.” That’s right; it was only a month. “Shouldn’t you be in there with him right now, you know…” She waggled her eyebrows, looking more confused than suggestive, though I knew she was going for suggestive.
I snorted. Careen was always very good at cutting right down to the bone truth of things. “A lot has happened in that month.”
“All the more reason for you not to waste time,” she said matter-of-factly. “Who knows what will happen next? You’re here, together, now.”
She was right.
The closed bedroom door seemed to pulse like a steady heartbeat. “He did something. I just don’t know…”
She leaned forward, placed her mug on the table in front of us, and turned to me intensely. “What did he do?” Her voice was a stick of shock, stirring intrigue.
I dipped my head and spoke to my mug. “He was almost unfaithful to me.”
Her laugh ripped through me, pulling my clothes and leaving me vulnerable.
“What the hell does that mean?” she managed through her giggling.
I laughed too, in a false kind of way, because even though it sounded stupid, it didn’t feel stupid. It just hurt.