Still here.
I walk along the marginal road. I can still walk. I can still take a breath. The air is unbelievably sweet and everything is so amazingly wide open. I want to cry, really want to cry, but the tears aren’t there.
Not yet.
My head is… okay, for now. I’m as home as I’m ever going to be, and I’m going to have to figure out if that makes me happy, might ever make me whole again.
I wonder what Borden’s going to arrange for the egg. I vow I’ll check up on that as soon as I get my act together, my civilian act.
But I doubt she’ll tell me.
Joe or Jacobi, or both, will get things done on Mars—maybe help them dispose of the spent-matter surplus out on some plain somewhere. But Joe won’t stay there forever.
I should look up the others, too, wherever they’ve hauled off to. We’ll probably run into each other in the next few months, one way or another. I need friends. I know that, but for the moment the luxury of being lonely, of walking with my own trembling legs along the asphalt and over the gravel, then breaking from the road and entering the unguarded scrub woods…
I wonder if I can find the Muskies.
More important for the moment, I wonder if somebody will give me a ride into downtown. Wonder if the apartment is still there, still ours, and will recognize me. Wonder if Pike Place Market is still open, still active. I’d love to grab a fresh bunch of celery and chow down. But I don’t have any money. No ID. I don’t want to ask for help, but the technicians gave me a list of numbers to call, and some advice on how to pick up my last paycheck, if there are still accounts for former Skyrines.
If some cop stops me, I might spend the night in jail, as a vagrant.
I keep getting this falling sensation in my head, but I’m not falling. I’m walking and looking and breathing and everything’s all right, nothing external is challenging me. Pretty soon I’m going to get hungry, and then I’ll have to figure things out.
The marginal road goes on and on, past boarded-up businesses—fast food, payday loans, car dealerships—all closed. Effectively, no more SBLM.
The Hawksbill we rode back on has taken off from the cracked, overgrown runway, flown over me on the marginal road, leaving a smelly rainbow trail, flying off to I do not have the slightest idea where.
My God. I’ve seen it all, almost from the start and now past the finish. We’ve shed the Gurus, and while there’s still a military—where are they stationed?
A small pink car whizzes by, like a grapefruit on wheels. I stick out my thumb. My beard is thick; I could be any sort of psycho. The grapefruit doesn’t even slow.
But another car, an older green hybrid, slows, stops, backs up, and the passenger-side window rolls down.
“Where you heading?” a young woman asks, checking me over, not unkindly, as if I might have lice.
“Well, I’d like to get to Disneyland, eventually.”
She looks at me with a squint. “Can’t take you that far,” she says. “How long you been hitching?”
“Long time,” I say.
She unlocks the door and I climb into the kind woman’s car. “You look like a soldier,” she says.
“Am I that far gone?”
She smiles. “My father used to fly out of here.” Then she looks at me more closely, with a frown. “There was that one ship this morning… But that can’t be you. Can it? They were coming back from Mars or someplace. It was on the Net.”
I shake my head. “What year is it?”
That same expression, but she tells me. I thought I heard seventeen years, but that didn’t account for how long we’d been gone, overall, before the war was declared over and the Wait Staff and Gurus were cleared up, cleared out, handed over to the starshina’s ship.
Time has really been messed up for those who went to the limit and returned. It’s been thirty years since we flew out to Mars.
There are still cars, but they don’t fly—so I suppose we’re on our own again, moving at our own human pace.
I GET OUT in downtown Seattle and say thanks and good-bye. I decide against Pike Place Market, since I don’t have money, and walk across the city, my legs barely able to move as I approach the tower where our apartment was. The tower is still there. It looks older, not so well taken care of.
At the front glass entrance, I poke in the old security code.
Wonder of wonders, the door opens.
I take the shuddering elevator up to the right floor, and as the door opens to let me out, I see an elderly woman with white-flecked black hair, quite plump, wearing a nicely tailored pantsuit, waiting for me.
“Welcome back, Skyrine!” she says.
At my look, she puts her hands on her ample hips and gives me a glare.
“It’s Alice, First Lieutenant Alice Harper—fuckhead!” she says. “I heard you might be coming back. Joe sent me a call from Mars. He says you should look me up, and here you are! Anybody else with you?”
I tell her not yet.
The apartment’s very different, but there’s a spare bedroom, I meet Alice’s husband, a nice enough guy, a former Air Force flight surgeon, but not a prick about it—they’ve been married twenty years and living here, taking care of the place—
But first, Alice goes to the refrigerator and brings me a head of celery, green and freshly washed, dripping. “I remember, Vinnie,” she says. “Welcome home.”
I take the celery and hold it in my hands, not quite sure what to do with something so utterly precious.
“What about Teal?” I ask.
Alice takes a deep breath. “She’s in Africa, I think,” she says. “She’s widowed again, and Division Four buddies tell me she’s been asking if she can return to Mars. Martians always want to go home, isn’t that right, Stu?” she asks her husband.
He smiles. “That’s what we hear. But she’s pretty old now.”
“What’s that got to do with it?” Alice asks. Stu demurs.
They hand me a glass of apple juice that gives me a solid sugar high, and Stu loans me a pair of pajamas—real pajamas, flannel, corded—and then they take me to the guest room and insist I sleep and after that, join them for breakfast.
SAYONARA
The room is quiet.
I try to sleep, but still can’t. All night I toss and turn, and then comes the panic attack—I could feel it coming—a sudden fear that Ulyanova never actually cleared my head, that it was all deception, and that the last instauration has been upon me ever since I got back, maybe even before, and my head is still filled with Guru shit waiting to bring me up short, bring me down, fill me with fear, make me interesting again.
I keep asking myself, and keep trying to stop these questions—
What next?
Why would the mover of moons and planets have come alive while we were watching?
I lie on the bed in a pool of rank sweat, as if I’m about to be executed, when I receive another kind of dream.
A genuine, human vision.
It’s Ulyanova. She assures me I’m free—we are all about to be free. Looking through her eyes, I see Litvinov and Verushka, and I see Kumar, all standing by the window of the apartment in Moscow, enjoying what seems to be a glorious Russian summer, the air balmy, birds flying, sounds of children playing. They’re eating bread with thick sweet butter, and soup, and sausages.