‘What you felt is perfectly natural…’ Goldstein began.
‘So you’re also a psychiatrist, Goldstein?’
‘If I were a psychiatrist, I would add another fee to the bill. I’m giving you only wisdom. No charge. Everybody has a killer in him. The feeling passes. If it doesn’t, we have troubles.’
‘That’s wisdom?’
‘There’s more. If I were you, I would stay clear of her. Just live like you’re in a vacuum.’
‘It’s not easy.’
‘Who said it was easy?’
‘Sometimes, Goldstein,’ Oliver said, ‘I want to chuck it all. Get out of this city. Start all over again. If only I weren’t a boiler-plate lawyer, locked into the FTC. It’s too cushy. Too lucrative.’ He felt a huge wave of despair crash over him. ‘How easily we get corrupted by material things.’ It galled him to hear himself mouthing the cliche.
‘They got a new word. Life-style. She doesn’t want to give up her life-style. And let’s face it – you don’t want to give up yours. After all, what does a house represent? Shelter? Shelter shmelter. It’s a symbol of prestige. A house, Rose, is not just a home.’
‘You and your fucking wisdom.’
Goldstein sighed, looked at him again, and shook his head.
‘A few more months. Then the judge will decide. They’re all putzes, so either we or they are going to appeal.’
‘I won’t let her have it all. I won’t. Twice I escaped death for this. At least figuratively. I’ve stuck it out seven months, I’ll stick it out the other five.’
‘Ignore her. What’s so hard?’
‘I’ll try.’ He looked at Goldstein. ‘Mr. Wise Man, if you ignore the Angel of Death, does it go away?’
‘I don’t need the creeps so early in the day.’
19
Ann sat beside him as the car moved slowly over the mountain road above the Shenandoah. The windows were open and she could smell the aroma of the awakening earth. The buds on the trees were newly opened and the leaves were still the light green color of early spring.
Quietly sitting beside him, she hadn’t said much on the ride down from Washington. They had stopped on the way for a bucket of fried chicken and some Jarlsberg cheese, and he had taken two bottles of Chateau Latour ’66 from the wine vault.
It was, of course, a violation of her pledge to him. But the seriousness of Eve’s request had, she told herself, made it mandatory. She liked the word, almost as if she had invented it, and she had repeated it to him when she had called him at the office.
‘It’s really mandatory, Oliver. It’s not about you or Barbara or me. It’s all about Eve.’
‘That’s a movie,’ he had responded, but it had helped lighten his reaction and he had consented.
They had seen little of each other in recent weeks. He left earlier for the office and came home later, long after they had all gone to sleep. On weekends, too, he had made himself scarce, spending Saturdays at the office and nights at the movies. On Sundays he made half-hearted attempts at being with the children, but they always had other things to do. Dutifully, he had gone to all of Josh’s basketball games.
Eve had come into her room one night. She had been secretive and inert of late, which seemed to be the operative mood of the Roses’ household. Whatever the strategies for pretense, the hostility between Barbara and Oliver permeated everything.
‘I’m not going to camp, Ann,’ Eve began in a tone of belligerence that reminded Ann of their first meeting. But the announcement left no room for rebuttal. ‘I won’t be happy there. And I know they’re sending us away to get us out of this atmosphere.’
‘What’s wrong with that?’
‘You think I don’t know what’s going on here?’
‘You’d have to be deaf and blind for that.’
‘The fact is, Ann, I’m afraid to leave them alone. That’s the reason, although I can only tell that to you and you’ve got to promise to keep that secret.’
‘Of course.’ Like Barbara and Oliver, Eve had composed her own little lie, a facade for the others. She was giving Ann, for the first time, a real glimpse behind it.
‘You’ll be gone, Ann. And with Josh and me away, there’s no telling what might happen. I’m afraid, Ann. Really afraid. I wish…’ She hesitated and Ann noted that she had already expended enough tears on the subject. ‘I wish they would either make up or that Dad would move out. Or that Mom and us would move.’ She opened up a new pack of Virginia Slims and lit one. ‘I don’t understand any of it. I try to. Really, Ann. But you can’t talk to. either of them anymore. It’s like our family didn’t really exist, except that we all live in one house. I wish they would sell it, get it over with. What’s the point?’
‘I wonder if they remember the point,’ Ann had said. She watched as Eve slowly let the smoke meander out of her nostrils.
‘I want you to talk to Dad, Ann,’ Eve had pleaded. ‘Please. I don’t care what you tell him. Only please don’t let him send us to camp.’
‘How can I tell him that? What can I say?’
‘Anything. Tell him things that make fathers worry about daughters. That I’m in with a bad crowd, smoking dope, that I need strong parental supervision. You know what to say. Don’t tell him I’m afraid for them.’ She paused and looked out the dormer window, her eyes glazed and frightened. ‘I really believe that if it wasn’t for Josh and me, they would tear each other apart.’ She shook her head. ‘Ann, how can love turn to hate?’
‘I’m not an expert in these things.’
‘But Dad will listen to you.’ The young girl had looked at her shrewdly. ‘There are some things I sense, Ann.’ Ann was thankful that Eve did not elaborate.
‘I forgot such beautiful things existed,’ he said suddenly. He had stopped the car at an overlook and they could see the spectacular view of the valley below. ‘Makes you feel clean and fresh.’ She looked up at him. In the bright sunlight his eyes were cobalt blue, like the paint on his collection of Staffordshire figures. The thought agitated her and she turned away.
‘Last spring I would never have dreamed that my life would change so drastically. Last spring I felt so safe. Imagine that. My principal summation, of eighteen years of marriage is safety.’
‘Does that mean that you don’t feel safe anymore?’ she said, wondering why he hadn’t said ‘secure.’
‘No. As a matter of fact, no.’ His voice rose. ‘I don’t feel safe, either mentally or physically. And sometimes I don’t feel anything at all.’ She reached out and patted his hand, her sisterly feeling disappearing abruptly. ‘The worst thing of all is that I don’t like myself much anymore. Do you like yourself, Ann?’
This was not what she wanted to talk about, although she felt compelled to answer in the negative.
‘Being with you is like a form of masochism,’ she whispered, removing her hand. Confronting her frustrations was not pleasant, she decided, dismissing her rising self-pity. ‘I came to talk about Eve. She doesn’t want to go to camp.’ Ann hesitated, forgetting the scenario she had constructed in her mind. ‘She probably would be better off staying home.’
‘Home,’ Oliver said. ‘She’s better off getting away from us.’
‘Oliver, she really doesn’t want to go.’
He got out of the car and lingered against the protective rail of the overlook, peering into the valley. Although the sun shone, the air had a slight chill. He looked upward, shielding his eyes.