She glanced about, fearing that Arlen might see her as she entered the library. She didn’t find Mery in any of the cells or stacks, but was hardly surprised. Like many of the things personal to him, Arlen did not speak of Mery often, but Elissa listened intently when he did. She knew there was a place that was special to them, and knew the girl would be drawn there.
Elissa found Mery on the library’s roof, weeping.
“Mother Elissa!” Mery gasped, hurriedly wiping her tears. “You startled me!”
“I’m sorry, dear,” Elissa said, going over to her. “If you want me to go, I will, but I thought you might need someone to talk to.”
“Did Arlen send you?” Mery asked.
“No,” Elissa replied. “But I saw how upset he was, and knew it must be as hard for you.”
“He was upset?” Mery sniffed.
“He wandered the streets in the dark for hours,” Elissa said. “I was worried sick.”
Mery shook her head. “Determined to get himself killed,” she murmured.
“I think it’s just the opposite,” Elissa said. “I think he’s trying desperately to feel alive.” Mery looked at her curiously, and she sat down next to the girl.
“For years,” Elissa said, “I could not understand why my husband felt the need to wander far from home, staring down corelings and risking his life over a few parcels and papers. He’d made money enough to keep us in luxury for two lifetimes. Why keep at it?
“People describe Messengers with words like duty, honor, and self-sacrifice. They convince themselves that this is why Messengers do what they do.”
“It’s not?” Mery asked.
“For a time I thought it was,” Elissa said, “but I see things more clearly now. There are times in life when we feel so very alive that when they pass, we feel … diminished. When that happens, we’ll do almost anything to feel so alive again.”
“I’ve never felt diminished,” Mery said.
“Neither had I,” Elissa replied. “Not until I became pregnant. Suddenly, I was responsible for a life within me. Everything I ate, everything I did, affected it. I had waited so long that I was terrified of losing the child, as many women my age do.”
“You’re not so old,” Mery protested. Elissa only smiled.
“I could feel Marya’s life pulsing within me,” Elissa continued, “and mine pulsing in harmony. I’d never felt anything like it. Now, with the baby born, I despair I might never feel it again. I cling to her desperately, but that connection will never be the same.”
“What does this have to do with Arlen?” Mery asked.
“I’m telling you how I think Messengers feel when they travel,” Elissa said. “For Ragen, I think that the risk of losing his life made him appreciate how precious it is, and sparked an instinct in him that would never allow him to die.
“For Arlen, it’s different. The corelings have taken a lot from him, Mery, and he blames himself. I think, deep down, he even hates himself. He blames the corelings for making him feel that way, and only in defying them can he gain peace.”
“Oh, Arlen,” Mery whispered, tears brimming in her eyes once more.
Elissa reached out and touched her cheek. “But he loves you,” she said. “I hear it when he talks about you. I think, sometimes, when he’s busy loving you, he forgets to hate himself.”
“How have you done it, Mother?” Mery asked. “How have you managed to endure all these years, married to a Messenger?”
Elissa sighed. “Because Ragen is kindhearted and strong at the same time, and I know how rare that kind of a man is. Because I never doubted that he loved me, and would come back. But most of all, because the moments I had with him were worth all the ones apart.”
She put her arms around Mery, holding the girl tightly. “Give him something to come home to, Mery, and I think Arlen will learn that his life is worth something, after all.”
“I don’t want him to go at all,” Mery said quietly.
“I know,” Elissa agreed. “Neither do I. But I don’t think I can love him less if he does.”
Mery sighed. “Neither can I,” she said.
Arlen was waiting that morning when Jaik left for the mill. He had his horse with him, a bay courser with a black mane named Dawn Runner, and his armor on.
“What’s this?” Jaik asked. “Off to Harden’s Grove?”
“And beyond,” Arlen said. “I have a commission from the guild to message to Lakton.”
“Lakton!?” Jaik gaped. “It will take you weeks to get there!”
“You could come with me,” Arlen offered.
“What?” Jaik asked.
“As my Jongleur,” Arlen said.
“Arlen, I’m not ready to …” Jaik began.
“Cob says you learn things best by doing them,” Arlen cut him off. “Come with me, and we’ll learn together! Do you want to work in the mill forever?”
Jaik dropped his eyes to the cobbled street. “Milling’s not so bad,” he said, shifting his weight from foot to foot.
Arlen looked at him a moment, and nodded. “You take care of yourself, Jaik,” he said, mounting Dawn Runner.
“When will you be back?” Jaik asked.
Arlen shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said, looking toward the city gates. “Maybe never.”
Elissa and Mery returned to the manse later that morning, to wait for Arlen’s return. “Don’t give in too easily,” Elissa advised as they walked. “You don’t want to give all your power away. Make him fight for you, or he’ll never understand what you’re worth.”
“Do you think he will?” Mery asked.
“Oh,” Elissa smiled, “I know he will.”
“Have you seen Arlen this morning?” Elissa asked Margrit when they arrived.
“Yes, Mother,” the woman replied. “A few hours ago. Spent some time with Marya, then left carrying a bag.”
“A bag?” Elissa asked.
Margrit shrugged. “Prob’ly off to Harden’s Grove, or some such.”
Elissa nodded, not surprised that Arlen had chosen to leave town for a day or two. “He’ll be gone through tomorrow, at least,” she told Mery. “Come and see the baby before you go.”
They headed upstairs. Elissa cooed as she approached Marya’s nest, eager to hold her daughter, but she stopped short when she saw the folded paper tucked partially beneath the baby.
Her hands shaking, Elissa lifted the scrap of parchment and read aloud:
Dear Elissa and Ragen,
I have taken assignment to Lakton from the Messengers’ Guild. By the time you read this, I will be on the road. I’m sorry I could not be what everyone wanted.
Thank you for everything. I will never forget you.
“No!” Mery cried. She turned and fled the room, leaving the house at a run.
“Ragen!” Elissa cried. “Ragen!!”
Her husband came rushing to her side, and he shook his head sadly as he read the note. “Always running from his problems,” he muttered.
“Well?” Elissa demanded.
“Well, what?” Ragen asked.
“Go and find him!” Elissa cried. “Bring him back!”
Ragen fixed his wife with a stern look, and without a word spoken they argued. Elissa knew it was a losing battle from the start, and soon lowered her eyes.
“Too soon,” she whispered. “Why couldn’t he have waited one more day?” Ragen put his arms around her as she started to weep.
“Arlen!” Mery cried as she ran. All pretense of calm had flown from her, all interest in seeming strong, in making Arlen fight. All she wanted now was to find him before he left and tell him that she loved him, and that she would continue loving him no matter what he chose to do.