"That dumbwaiter you're leaning against!"
Roderick shook his head. "Never was such a thing. Just a figment of your imagination."
"What are you talking about?" Buzzabeez cried. "I saw it with my own eyes!"
"Yes, but can you really believe the evidence of your senses? That might have been a hallucination, you know."
"Ridiculous," the devil scoffed. "Claim that, and next you'll be saying the whole universe is maya, illusion."
"Well, isn't it?" Roderick demanded. "At least, if you're a good Hindu."
"But I'm not—I'm a good Catholic!" Buzzabeez went rigid, shocked at his own words. "What am I saying?"
"That you're a good Catholic," Roderick answered obligingly.
"Yes, yes! I'm a good Catholic… No! I mean, I'm a bad Catholic! No! I mean…"
"You mean, nothing exists," Roderick prompted.
"That's right! Nothing exists! None of you! You're all just figments of my imagination! This is all just a dream… NO! I can't be saying that!"
"See? Even your words don't exist!" Roderick jabbed a forefinger. "Come to that, even you don't exist!"
"What are you saying? Of course I exist!"
"Ah, but how do you know you exist?"
"Why, because I think! Cogito, ergo sum!" Buzzabeez clapped his hands over his mouth. "Iyuch! Latin!"
"Bite your tongue!" Roderick reproved. "Wash your mouth out!"
"Yes! With brimstone! And hot coals! Even as the angel cleansed the lips of the prophet Isaiah with… Oh, hell! Hel-1-l-l-l-p!" And Buzzabeez fled screaming, and faded into thin air.
"Thick air, really." Roderick sniffed, and wrinkled his nose. "Phew! Now I know why religions use incense… Well! Back to work." And he limped merrily out into the foyer, where the escalator was still running, with Frank galumphing along after Petty, who was sprinting flat-out for all she was worth, and dodging the claws of the erstwhile chandelier, which still somehow hadn't managed to catch her.
Roderick limped over to the stairway, pulled open a panel underneath it, yanked off his wooden shoe, and shouted, "Down with the bosses!" as he threw it into the gearbox. He slammed the door shut just as something inside cracked like a cannon shot, and the escalator jerked to a halt.
Petty shot on up the stairway and catapulted into the room at the top.
Frank crashed down flat on his face.
Inside the bedroom, Petty slammed the door shut. There was a hasp with a broken safety pin hanging by a thread; she slapped it shut and jammed the pin through.
Outside, L'Age screamed, "After her, iceberg bait!"
Frank scrambled to his feet and slogged on up the stairs, rumbling curses.
"Break down the door!" L'Age howled. "Get her out of there!"
Obediently, Frank hammered at the door with his fist.
The safety pin held.
Petty whirled about and sagged back against the door, gasping for breath, chest heaving.
The light of the oil lamp glowed on Sucar's face. He knelt beside the cot, rubbing McChurch's hand and moaning, "Wake up, wake up! Oh, I know it's no use; I've been trying for years, but if I keep on, maybe someday you'll open your eyes. Wake up, McChurch! Surely your name will protect you. Though I admit, it didn't do you much good when I shoved you in front of me at that crazy little hunchback. Oh, I never dreamed he'd render you insensible! I didn't mean it to happen, and I promise you, I've never tasted a drop. I never really wanted to be a vampire, anyway—but my mother would have her way! It's not really my natural role, you know; it's not my identity, it's not the real me! Not that I've anything against that kind of person, you understand—I just can't stand the sight of blood! At least, not the blood of people I like." He cocked his head. "Now, there's a thought! How about the blood of people I don't like? Take L'Age, now—could I acquire a taste for her? Could I lust for some of her blood? How would I feel if I had a chance to drain her? Ah, now that would be another matter!"
Petty stared at the handsome, muscular, unconscious young man, and gasped in wonder. The extra strain was just a little too much for steel hooks and eyes; with a muted ripping, her bosom expanded, lifting and mushrooming outward with a whoosh of displaced air.
McChurch frowned and turned his head a little, as though listening.
Petty didn't even notice; she was lost in gazing at her ideal of male beauty.
McChurch looked up at her, blinking, frowning. Then the sight of her registered, and he rolled out of bed with his eyes glowing. He was completely naked, and Petty did notice that, but a second later, she was wrapped in his embrace, and wasn't seeing much of anything, because her eyes were closed for her first, and very long, kiss.
In the wall, a panel slammed open, and Auntie Dil jumped out. She ran to McChurch and Petty and began to shake them, crying, "Waken! Thou must needs waken! Dost thou not know thou dost slumber? And this weak and idle theme is no more yielding but a dream!"
"If this is a dream, let me sleep forever," Petty murmured, and went back into the clinch.
"Nay! Now I say na_y/"Auntie Dil seized McChurch's arm and threw her weight back against it, trying to pull them apart, but McChurch stood like the rock of Gibraltar, as though he'd traded a horizontal coma for a vertical one. "Nay, nay!" Auntie Dil cried, tears in her eyes. "Dosta not know we come dreadfully close to the moment when the monster, Frank, shall come crashing through the door?"
"All right, that's enough of that!" Buzzabeez snapped as he climbed out of the dumbwaiter. "Let go of that body!"
Auntie Dil whirled to face him, arms outspread to protect the couple. "How didst thou come to be in that chamber?"
"I materialized there, to make sure your husband wasn't around." Buzzabeez advanced on her with a tiger's tread, glowering. "Now go to the kitchen, where you belong!"
"Go to hell," Auntie Dil retorted, "where thou dost belong!"
"Uh-h-h-h-h… End of scene!" Buzzabeez waved his hands back in front of his face, then whirled and stabbed a finger at the door. "Next scene!"
The broken safety pin gave way and the door crashed down. Frank stumbled in over it, and L'Age leaped past him, took one look at Petty and McChurch, and sprang at
Petty, shrieking. Her talons dug into Petty's arm as she yanked the girl away from McChurch, and her fangs flashed down at the virgin's fair, unprotected throat.
Her chin jarred against McChurch's arm as he raised it to fend her off. "Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself." And his head descended down over Petty's again as he folded her back into his embrace.
"Ah, young love!" Roderick sighed, peeking in through the doorway. Then he frowned. "But that seems to remind me of something. I just wish I could remember what…"
"Don't let it bother you," Buzzabeez said quickly, "just a momentary aberration."
Roderick's roving gaze fell on Auntie Dil. He shook his head in wonder. "I know it sounds ridiculous, but I really want to be with that old slattern right now." And he started into the room, just as L'Age howled in rage and frustration, pulling out a dagger and charging at Petty.
Deviz scampered in between her feet.
L'Age tripped and crashed to the floor with a shriek that would have wakened bats.
Roderick, hurrying toward Auntie Dil, bumped into the ancient Christmas tree. It swayed and tottered.
"No!" Buzzabeez cried in anguish. "Catch it!" And he sprang forward, but the tree crashed down onto L'Age. Her head jerked up, eyes staring in agony, mouth gaping for a scream—and froze.
"Well, what do you know," Roderick murmured into the sudden hush, "the tinsel was real silver."