He was quiet for a moment, ripples of disturbance touching his mind, and then his hands were at my face, lifting it so that I must look at him.
“You speak as though you believe you will not accompany me,” he said, his voice soft but his eyes directly on me. “However this thought came to you, it is untrue. You will indeed accompany me wherever I go.”
“As nothing more than your woman?” I smiled, then shook my head. “You’d probably starve to death waiting for me to learn how to cook. And you don’t even really want me that way. You told me so before we slept.”
“I said no such words!” be growled, working automatically to keep his distress from growing. “Never would I have said such words!”
“You didn’t have to put it into words,” I answered, losing the smile. “You mind is the strongest I’ve ever seen anywhere, and last sleep period you did something I didn’t think was possible. You hid your feelings from me, so completely I didn’t even know you were doing it. I know how great an effort you had to make, and I also know you wished you didn’t have to make that effort. With an ordinary woman, the effort would be unnecessary.”
“It is possible one might indeed be loath to make such an effort,” he agreed, keeping his eyes directly on me. “However, should one prefer a woman who is far from ordinary, one will make the effort gladly. I have no interest in ordinary wendaa; my desire is solely for you. Perhaps I had best prove this.”
He immediately lowered his lips to mine then, cutting off all further discussion. His desire leapt as quickly into being as it usually did, igniting my own desire, but I felt the need to make an effort of my own. It was impossible not to do and act exactly as he wished, but that time I refused to let our minds merge, refused to allow him entrance to my deepest feelings. My body was his completely, the pool he plumbed to the furthest depths, the vessel he filled with the wine of desire; my mind was encased by a trembling will, as weak as a thought, as strong as desperation. When he was through with me he held me in his arms, his body only partially satisfied, his mind filled with frustration. He tried to hide that frustration the way he’d hidden his desire, but the sour emotions are always harder to handle.
“The experiment didn’t work out too well, did it?” I asked, feeling like an intruder in his arms. “The deep unending love you claim to feel for me seems to be based on what I am, not who I am. How long would your love continue if I never let our minds merge again?”
“I do not have the words to speak what I feel.” He groped, the frustration increasing. “Why do you feel it necessary to withhold yourself from me? Why do you seek to be what you are not?”
“I want to be wanted for the kind of person I am, not for what I can do,” I whispered, close to tears. “Is that so wrong? Am I being totally unreasonable pointing out that all you’re interested in is what I can do for you, even in bed? You don’t really want me, and we both know it.”
“This is not the truth,” he sighed, holding me close to comfort the tears he could undoubtedly feel on his chest. “I am able to think of no way to prove this to you, yet to me it is patently untrue. Perhaps one day I will find the means to prove my words, yet at this moment I am unable to do so. You must take the words and cause yourself to believe them, for they are all I have.”
He projected calm belief as he held me, obviously trying to convince me that way, but his emotions were too well under his control for them to make the sort of impression he was hoping for. I didn’t spend too much time crying, but the tears I did shed weren’t wasted; every farewell deserves at least a few tears. After a few minutes Tammad stirred, then kissed me before getting up and reaching .for his haddin.
“Do you now dress yourself,” he directed, looking down at me as he wrapped the cloth around himself. “You will eat well this day, and then, perhaps, matters will seem less insoluble to you.”
“You expect food to solve all our problems?” I asked, sitting up to wrap my arms around my knees. “Even a nine course banquet wouldn’t stand much of a chance.”
“We will at least make the attempt,” he chuckled, moving over to the light dial. Turning the dial brightened the cabin and let me see his grin, but it also showed me the well-worn imad and caldin, lying crumpled on the floor where they had been thrown. I sighed over the determination in his mind, got out of bed, then threw the dirty clothing into the wall cleaner before going to wash. I didn’t want to put those things on again, but it was that or walk around naked until I had my own things back. Naked would have been bad enough all by itself, but with the barbarian around it was impossible. He kept his eyes on me constantly until the cleaned clothing was returned by the wall recess and put on, and only then led the way out of the cabin to the common area. If he was trying to show how much he wanted me, he could have chosen a less unnerving way of making the attempt. All he did with his try was make me too aware of his determination.
I suppose I expected the common area to be empty, but as soon as the cabin door opened I found I was wrong. All six of Tammad’s l’lendaa were them, sitting where they’d been the last time I’d seen them, none of them aware of being watched by Garth, who was also in his usual place. The main point of interest for Garth seemed to be the three female trippers, who now sat among the six men, laughing in delight as they fed their giant captors by hand. When one of the men ignored the bit of food being offered him and snapped instead at the hand holding it, the woman involved shrieked in mock fear, setting off further laughter in everyone else. It was an unexpectedly jolly and intimate grouping, and Garth was filled with vast confusion. When Tammad spoke to him, he started guiltily.
“What?” he asked, turning his head to look up at the barbarian. “I’m sorry, I didn’t bear what you said.”
“I merely asked after your sleep,” Tammad answered, lowering himself to the carpeting without showing any of the amusement he felt. “Was it adequate to your needs?”
“I suppose so,” Garth muttered, reaching for the cup of hot kimla sitting on the small table at his elbow. He sipped at the kimla then sat staring at it, just as though there were nothing else in the room worthy of his attention. I sat myself on the carpeting beside Tammad, not too near, not too far, hoping I might be forgotten. I didn’t have much of an appetite, and wasn’t in the mood for an argument.
“You seem uncertain in your answer,” Tammad observed, still talking to Garth. “Do you perhaps feel a lack unshared by those about you?”
“Aside from the fact that I seem to be the only one who slept alone, not at all,” Garth answered, watching his cup until he drank from it. “Maybe I ought to borrow some of the crew’s dip-reals.”
“Ah, you feel yourself badly used,” Tammad nodded. “Or perhaps it would be more apt to say, badly unused.”
“Are you laughing at me?” Garth demanded, raising furious eyes toward a Tammad who was grinning faintly. “You are laughing at me!”
“I merely find amusement in a discomfort l’lendaa rarely know,” the barbarian soothed him, leaning back against his pillows. “If you wished a woman, why did you not take one?”
“Just like that?” Garth asked, sarcasm strong in his voice. “Sure, why not. Come on, Terry, it’s my turn.”
I continued to sit where I was, knowing Garth wasn’t serious, knowing he bad no intentions himself of getting up. But I wouldn’t have minded leaving at that, since I had the vary strong conviction that Tammad bad set himself to teach Garth a lesson, one that I would not particularly care for.
“This woman is mine,” Tammad told hire mildly, merely stating a fact that called for no argument. “Should her use be given to another the decision would also be mine. Your request was not serious, I know, yet you addressed yourself to her. Why did you not address me?”