“At once, denday,” the girl whispered, edging toward the door he held open for her. Her relief flashed strong when she darted through and escaped without being grabbed, and Tammad closed the door behind her with a grimace.
“I cannot bear such slavey cringing,” he muttered, putting his palm on the hilt of the sword he now wore scabbarded at his side. “How could a man put children on such a one and expect to receive strong sons and courageous daughters from the effort? When the spirits dies in a woman, even her offspring are tainted with the loss.”
“Some time you might try asking yourself what killed her spirit,” I commented, walking toward the room’s windows. “How many times do you think you can rape and beat a woman before she cringes at the very sight of a male? Until you’ve had a taste of being treated like that, you can’t afford to sneer.”
“You are mistaken in thinking I sneer,” he said, following me over to the windows and stopping behind me. “I merely find myself furious that any man would produce such a state in a woman, believing her attractiveness to be thereby increased. If one is a man, one need not beat a woman to the ground and put a sword point to her throat to obtain obedience from—Why is your back marked, as though you were beaten with a whip? Why was I not told that someone had dared to treat you so?”
He had moved my hair aside to get a better look at the welts still covering me, his mind exploding with a near-insane anger. He had kept his voice down with effort, so as not to frighten me, but I had never seen him so close to being out of control. I stared at the thin curtains covering the sunlit windows, not knowing what to say, and he turned me gently, then put his hand beneath my chin.
“Hama, do not fear to speak to me,” he urged, raising his face so that I must look up at him. “You are my beloved, my chosen. What other has greater right than I to avenge harm done you? Tell me who is responsible for having given you such pain.”
“This world is responsible,” I told him, trying to make him believe it as much as I did. “If I’d been on Central it never would have happened. I’m going back with your help or without it.”
“Had I kept you beside me, none of this would have occurred,” he sighed, a knowledge of guilt touching him briefly. “You have my word it will not happen again, no matter the need for traveling about. You will accompany me where I go, standing always beneath my protection. No other will touch you so long as I live.”
“But after that all bets are off,” I said, pulling my face out of his hand. “As if I’d care what happened to me if you were killed. And how long is your guarantee good for, O denday? A week, a month, a year? On this world, how could I know? And what would I have to do to please my next owner? I’m tired of being used in all senses of the word, and I want to go home!”
“To be used by those who named you Prime.” His eyes narrowed as he let me go. “I found little difficulty in buying you from your people, wenda, people who profess to be above the purchase and sale of others. They use your talent in whatever way best serves their purpose, at the same time selling your body to any man who is able to meet their price. You fear my world and with good reason, yet here my protection is yours for the taking. Who is there who will protect you upon your own world?”
“Murdock will protect me,” I choked, turning away from that remorseless blue gaze. “Even if it were as bad as you say, Murdock would protect me. You saw how he stood up to you when we landed.”
“The Murdock McKenzie is a true man,” he agreed, but only to that one point. “He attempted to take you from my side when he believed you no longer cared for me, yet his power upon his own world comes from those you would have him oppose. He would make the attempt, of that I have no doubt, and would go down beneath their heels when they saw he stood in the way of their desires. What then, hama? What would become of you then?”
I shook my head without answering, and put my face into my hands in defeat. Everything he said was true, and I felt more trapped than I had in his cell beneath the vendra ralle. I couldn’t stay on Rimilia, but returning to Central would be a wasted effort; if I didn’t want to be used again, I’d have to find something else to do.
“There are planets other than Central in the Amalgamation,” I said at last, taking my hands away from my face. “I’ll find one where no one knows me and start a new life. I’ll get a job doing anything at all; and never let anyone find out what I am. I’ll just—damn!”
I pulled myself away from the window and went to stand in the middle of the room, my hands in my hair and wild frustration in my mind. How could I live a life where I would have to give up using a part of myself in order to be safe and blend in with everyone else? And what would happen if I slipped and accidentally used my ability with witnesses around? I’d be pursued all over again, wanted for nothing more than my ability again, made to run and hide to keep from being captured and used again. And if I managed to get away, where would I go then? Where would I find a place where the same would not happen all over again? Where, in the entire universe, would I ever find peace?
“It is fortunate the decision of what is to become of you is not yours to make,” Tammad remarked, coming up behind me again to put his hands on my arms. “The agony of such a decision would be great indeed, too great for the small shoulders of a wenda to bear the burden of. I will not ask you to accept my word on the matter of your safety, for words are easily spoken. You will see for yourself how matters go. Now tell me: who is to blame for the whip marks on you? I will not rest till I have learned his name, therefore would you be wise to speak now.”
“So you want me to speak, do you?” I growled, pulling from his hands to turn and face him. I was furious at what he’d said, and wanted him to know it. “The name of the man responsible is Tammad. Now go ahead and take that wonderful vengeance that’s so rightfully yours!”
“What do you say, wenda?” he frowned, staring down at me. “Never have I touched you with a whip.”
“You didn’t have to,” I answered grimly. “Back there in the desert, with the Hamarda, you refused to touch me because I’d been beaten down too far for your tastes. I reminded you too much of those slaves you so despise, so you told your good brother Kednin that you were no longer interested in me. I needed your arms so much then, but all you did was let other men use me and then get up and walk out, too good to contaminate yourself by touching a slave. That’s why Kednin had me whipped, because I’d failed to please you, and that’s why I would have been whipped to death once Kednin had the chance to watch the fun. I was an idiot to get loose and run away; if I hadn’t, I would have been out of this long ago.”
I turned away from the stunned expression on his face and in his mind and ran toward my sleeping room, needing to be alone for a while. I closed the door and leaned against it, blinking away the blurry vision I’d suddenly developed. It seemed impossibly hard for some men to understand how tiring being brave all the time tended to be; all they could see was how easy it was for them to do. I wasn’t proud of what I’d done in the Hamarda camp, but all the time I’d been condemning myself for what I’d thought had repelled him, he was being self-righteous and particular. I walked to the pile of cushions the room held and lowered myself down among them, then simply closed my eyes.
I was nearly asleep when I heard the door opening, and Tammad come walking in. His mind had tried to recapture the calm that was so much a part of him, but this time he hadn’t made it. He was furious with himself, and was having trouble keeping that fury from lashing out all around him. He came over to me where I lay among the cushions, and crouched down to touch my face.