“The rest of them are busy,” I answered, amused in spite of myself. “And I’m not being held prisoner, we’re just trying to work out a problem together. It only looks and feels as though I’m being held prisoner.”
“Well, Murdock and I have missed you these last days,” she said, putting an arm around my shoulders to aim me toward one of the tents. “Why don’t you visit with us for a few minutes during what will probably be our last lull, and tell us what’s been happening with you?”
Having nothing better to do I shrugged and agreed, and a moment later Murdock was adding his welcoming words to Ashton’s. He looked really tired and so did she, but that was only to be expected.
“Nothing very much has been happening,” I said when Ashton repeated her question, sipping from the cup of kimla I’d been given. “There’s something Tammad and I can’t agree on, and even with Irin’s and Rissim’s help we aren’t finding it possible to settle. I’m more than willing to keep trying, but I’m afraid that very soon he and I will be going our separate ways.”
I thought about what I’d be losing as I sipped at my kimla, and about all those glorious nights and satisfying days I’d been spending with Tammad. That first night on Rimilia I’d been more than ready to give him up, furious that the beast had kept himself shielded and then had given me the spanking I’d missed getting from Rissim. He’d punished me for controlling him and had pointed out that he would and could do it again if I ever tried controlling him again, and then he’d taken me in his arms and had made love to me. After that things were somehow different between us, just as though I was no longer simply a wenda in his mind, more like he thought of me as w’wenda. It was an acceptance above and beyond the love he felt, and I’d never known anything could be that good.
“What plans have you made for after the attack is done?” Murdock asked suddenly, as though something had just come to him. “Am I mistaken in believing you mean to remain on Rimilia a short while to assist in investigating the source of your strength and abilities?”
“I have something to do first, but after that I’ll be back on Rimilia to help,” I answered with a smile, again feeling that sense of excited anticipation. “I’m very glad there’s a coordinated attack being launched at Rathmore and his group while we’re seeing to this one, because I really do need to go to Central for a short time. I-left something there a while ago, something that doesn’t entirely belong to me, and I’d like to get it back and give it to its rightful owner. It’s all I can do, Murdock, and maybe it will help a little.”
“The child you left in stasis,” Murdock said with no expression on his face, surprising me by knowing about it. “You intend having the fetus reimplanted, bearing the child, and then giving it to Tammad. To make up for your not being able to remain beside him.”
“Why, yes,” I said, flustered over seeing what had to be his talent at work, not understanding why his eyes and mind were as dead as his voice. “The child is his and mine, and I’ve never wanted anything more than I want to give my beloved our child. I know I won’t be able to stay with him, so this is the only way to do it.”
“Terrilian-my dear child-how do I say this?” Murdock whispered, the tortured pain in him so heavy that Ashton was as shocked as I. “They-knew about the child, just as they know everything about the Primes they’re so concerned with. They couldn’t-allow a ‘tainted’ mixture of blood to remain where it might have-embarrassed them. They—they—”
He raised a trembling hand as he found it impossible to go on, his eyes trying to tell me how much he hurt for me, but all I could do was stand up while letting the cup of kimla fall to the tent floor. They’d taken my baby from where I’d left it and they’d killed it, throwing it away as though it were so much disgusting garbage. Ashton’s mind was crying as she tried to reach for me, but I thrust her away with more strength than my arms had ever had and ran out of the tent. I had to get away from there, away from the place I’d been told something so terrible I couldn’t bear it, and running was the only way to do it. I ran and I ran, out of the camp, into the forest and beyond, trying not to think, using the power of my mind to keep anyone from following me. I had to get away, and it didn’t matter to where.
Running hard and wild does help to keep you from thinking, especially when you’re crying and raveningly furious and totally shattered, all at the same time. I ran on for what felt like hours, picking myself up and going on again when I fell, not caring where I was going or how scratched and bruised I was getting. There were no predators in the area to threaten me, none would have dared even if they’d been there, so I just kept going. I had to find some place that agony couldn’t reach me, some place I could scream out loud and no one would hear it, but when I was finally forced to stop for a while I still hadn’t gotten there. Sweat streamed down my face and mixed with the dirt on it while I stood panting and gasping for breath, but I still wasn’t where I wanted to be. We had scouts out in the woods, I remembered, and I had to avoid them or I’d never find the place I needed.
I wiped my torn palms on the brown uniform I wore, the same uniform I’d been wearing when I escaped from the complex, the uniform I’d somehow felt I had to wear even though Tammad had hated the idea. It seemed to be coming in handy after all, getting even more torn and ruined than it had been, saving good clothes from being treated like that. I started to laugh at myself for thinking about clothes at a time like that, but it immediately turned to sobbing, that forced me to put a hand over my mouth, and then I began running again.
I began running, but suddenly something sharp pinched my left arm, and I looked over to see the dart, and then I didn’t see anything
I woke up feeling lethargic, but it only took me a minute to understand what had happened and where I was. I was still in the filthy, sweat-covered uniform, and my left arm hurt a little where the dart had hit me. I must have known I’d run into some of the people from the complex even before the knockout drug had taken effect, and looking around at the small room I lay in confirmed that. I was on a narrow, padded couch of brown leather in a neatly dark-paneled room with a tiny, spotless desk, and the Sec staring at me just completed the picture. I took my time getting around to examining her face, but when I did she smiled faintly.
“In case you don’t remember, the name’s Finner,” she said, studying me from the chair she sat in. She was a big woman with blond hair and gray eyes, and I recalled her as the Sec in the dorm room who had tried to talk me into cooperating.
“I remember,” I said, examining her mind to find what I thought I would. She was a null, even if she did show more emotion than the rest of the breed. “Do they really think hiding behind you will do them any good?”
“They know it will,” she answered with a wider smile, crossing her legs as she relaxed back in the chair. “You did a good job of keeping out of the way of searchers for a lot of days, but your luck ran out when you stumbled over that team looking for targets to bring back. You really couldn’t have expected to stay loose much longer, and now that we have you again you might as well be reasonable. ”
I sat up on the couch to cover my surprise, only right then understanding that those people still didn’t know Iii been rescued. That meant they also didn’t know about the attack ready to happen, and I intended keeping it that way.
“What is it you expect me to be reasonable about?” I asked as I ran my hands through my hair, finally understanding why I had felt it necessary to wear that brown uniform. “If you remember me all that well, you might also remember my opinions about cooperating.”
“Look, honey, there’s only one reason you and I are holding this conversation,” she said, her gray eyes directly on me. “If any other girl had given them the trouble you did, right now shed be finding it tough to understand the wall she was staring at. They didn’t take your mind because they want to find out about it first, and they don’t much care how they accomplish that. Once they have everything they need, you’re off the hook. You’ll go quietly to sleep, and when you wake up again you won’t mind making babies or anything else.”