The upset reached me before I was physically aware of anyone’s presence. I turned my head to see Rapan in the doorway and she stared at me, shaking her head.
“I do not understand,” she said in confusion. “Had he just visited me, I would be wrapped in bliss, yet you seem less happy even than I. Does it mean nothing to you that you wear his bands?”
“Wearing his bands means more than you know,” I answered bitterly. “Were it possible, I would gift them all to you, then you might have the pain of his touch.”
“There is none more gentle than Tammad!” she said indignantly holding her head angrily high. “His every word and gesture, the wisdom of his ways—none may compare! Though Kennan’s touch was pain to begin with, even he has gentleness within him. Am I to believe the denday is less than Kennan?”
“You may believe as you wish.” I said tiredly “A man need not be concerned with being gentle with one whom he cares nothing for. He keeps me in his bands and furs as a monument to the fitting. For all else, I am useless.”
She started again, unable to understand or answer me, then said, “Gilor bade me fetch you to a meal. Afterward, we go to the river to wash clothing and bathe. You are to come now.”
You are to come now. There was always something to do or somewhere to go on that world. I got to my feet, straightened the imad and caldin, then followed her to the kitchen. Gilor looked at me and frowned, then gestured toward a bowl of trejna without saying anything. I took the bowl, ate what I could of the trejna, then left the rest and picked up my pile of dirty clothing. Beneath the two sets of imad and caldin was a familiar looking brown haddin, which made me wonder how strong the river current was.
When everyone was finished eating, we took our bundles of wash to the front door, where a half-dozen l’lendaa were waiting to escort us. A small dirt road to the right of the main road led to the river, and Rapan and the other girls walked ahead, the girls whispering question after question, Rapan answering each casually and with a shrug. The l’lendaa followed along a short distance behind Gilor and me, and Gilor chuckled.
“The others ask Rapan of Kennan.” she said softly to me. “They, too, look forward to first banding, and have great curiosity. Is it not so with all wendaa?”
“It is not so in my land.” I shrugged. “My friends and I chose our first men casually knowing there was little difference between them. It mattered not which we chose first.”
And now you yourself have been chosen, and it matters a great deal,” she murmured. “Tammad is l’lenda, and shall do with you as he pleases. It is this which disturbs you, is it not?”
“I care nothing for what pleases your denday,” I said, kicking a small stone down the road ahead of me. “He deems me useless, and I would be free of his bands and gone from the sight of him.”
“He does not deem you useless in all ways,” she commented, looking at me from the sides of her eyes. “I have rarely seen him in such high spirits as when he left you earlier, yet you do not share his high spirits. Is it possible to give a man such pleasure and yet be untouched yourself?”
“I am touched.” I answered heavily “I am touched with pain as always. Why must he take me so hard, Gilor? Though he cares nothing for me, is it beyond him to see what he does to me? He sees the pain of others, so why does he not see mine?”
“Do you show pain in his sight?” she asked gently shifting the things she carried to her left arm so she could put the right one around my shoulders. Her compassion was strong, and I wanted to cling to it the way the tenna had clung to me. “From the little I have seen, Terril, you show him nothing of your pain. A man often loses himself in the enjoyment of his wenda—the deeper his enjoyment, the deeper is he lost. Yet Tammad is a man who would guard himself did he but know of your difficulty. Why do you not speak to him of it?”
“And be deemed more useless still?” I asked. “I would sooner have the pain than ease it in such a manner. I have shown him weakness too many times to wish to add to it.”
“There is no shame in showing weakness.” She smiled softly “It is one of the ways wendaa are more fortunate than l’lendaa. It is for l’lendaa to be strong come what may; we need not be troubled by so foolish a thing. To be free to show weakness brings a strength of its own.”
“Strength.” I echoed, staring at the small clouds of dust our feet kicked up. “Once I, too, had strength. Now it is gone, taken from me by the one who has taken me. Soon I shall be returned to my own land. Will my strength be returned also?”
“A woman gives her strength to the man she favors.” Gilor smiled more broadly squeezing me. “In such a way may she then share his strength. Tammad shall not unband you as quickly as you believe, Terril. I have seen him many times with wendaa he has banded, yet never has he seemed so satisfied. He shall keep you long, I think, and perhaps allow you to bear his child. It is a great honor to bear the child of a denday.”
“Bear his what?” I asked in shock, staring at her wide-eyed. “I shall do nothing of the sort!”
“The choice is his.” She laughed contentedly “Should he wish you to have his child, you shall have it within you in spite of your protests. Have you never borne a man’s child?”
“Never!” I answered with a shudder. I knew the man was a barbarian, but to do something like that! Happily I was well protected, and would remain protected until I was safely back on Central.
We heard the sound of seetar hooves, and turned to see twenty l’lendaa riding up the main road toward the far end of the town. After thinking about them for a minute, I decided that they were road guards like the ones we’d passed on the way into town. There hadn’t been a sign of them showing, but I’d hardly been able to miss the alert attention of so many minds. The town looked to be wide-open and undefended, but that wasn’t the case.
We reached the river after another few minutes of walking, and there wasn’t anyone else in sight. Gilor mentioned with a grin that they usually went earlier, but the denday could not be denied his enjoyment. The guarding l’lendaa laughed at that and looked at me, and the young girls giggled. All, that is, but Rapan. She just took her clothes and began washing them.
When all the clothes were washed—with soft, lumpy soap that Gilor had brought along—it was time to bathe. Three of the l’lendaa had their backs to us, eyes moving constantly in all directions, hands resting lightly on weapons, but the other three stood with folded arms and lazy grins, staring straight at us. The wendaa didn’t seem to notice the stares; they just stripped happily before slipping into the water. I did the same but more quickly, wondering if there really was danger around. Wenda guard detail could always be a reward for good behavior.
I used some of the harsh, lumpy soap in my hair, then relaxed a bit and just soaked. I was disturbed slightly by what Gilor had said about the barbarian’s satisfaction, but finally decided that she was wrong. He was pleased with me in the furs and in my job capacity, but he wouldn’t dare try keeping me after the Ratanan. I wasn’t just any stray girl, I was a Prime! He couldn’t decide to keep me in his bands and in his house forever. Bracing myself against the river current, I made myself believe that.
The l’lendaa didn’t let us bathe long as the river was higher than normal due to all the rain that had fallen. The current wasn’t impossibly strong, but the other women didn’t know how to swim and the men were nervous. I climbed out with reluctance and dressed quickly, sneering at myself for not swimming in spite of the barbarian’s orders. Myself sneered back with a very vivid picture of the switch that would have been used on me, and asked dryly how well I would have been able to control the pain during the switching. I said nothing to that, but added the question to the rest of my worries.