He stretched out next to me and took me gently in his arms, stroking my hair soothingly. When I felt him trying to project safety and peace at me I could have cried—particularly because that’s exactly what I did feel just then. He held me as if I meant something to him, and in spite of the pain I understood Rapan’s comment about bliss. I was almost lost between his giant arms and mighty chest; but I never wanted to be found again.
The pain eventually eased as most pain does, and I told him so because I felt he had something else he was waiting to do. It was cold when he took his arms away, and I dressed quickly as he stood there, then followed him out into the hall. He hesitated near the door to his sleeping room, but made up his mind fast and threw the door open.
“Go you now to your furs,” he directed. “I would have had you with me at the meeting this night, but it is not necessary. It is more important that you rest.”
For the Ratanan, I thought, and straightened up a little. “I’m all right,” I told him. “What did you want done at the meeting?”
“Will you never learn to obey my word?” he asked with fists on hips. “You were told to seek your furs, and you had best do so lest I seek my switch! Go you now!”
His thoughts were as hard as his tone of voice, so I went into the room without further comment. He stood and waited again until I was between the furs, then be came and tucked them closer before going out and closing the door behind him.
I lay very still after the door had closed, because his action with the furs had triggered a half memory. I remembered someone tucking me in before, and I was sure it had been he. He’d said something that other time, and it took a few minutes before I had the words back, then I was shocked.
“Wenda sed Prime,” he’d said: “Ti l’lenda queren?”
“A woman who is called Prime. How may a warrior contend with such?”
I couldn’t believe it, but it had to be true! There had been such a strong feeling of longing to go with the words that I was surprised I could have forgotten it. He wanted me, but felt that I was beyond him, out of his reach. And thinking that he was too good for me, I’d taunted him and called him—barbarian. His patience with me, his protection of me, the times he’d apologized—never once had I apologized to him, yet I had called him barbarian!
I searched for his calm control, wanting to go to him, but found his familiar pattern among many others. I lay back in the furs, remembering the meeting and cursing it soundly. Why did he have to be among so many men just at that time? It wasn’t fair, but very few things are fair. I’d just have to wait until he got back.
The furs were very soft and comfortable. I waited for him to come back until my eyes closed of their own accord.
13
When I woke in the morning, I stretched lazily then groaned when I realized that Tammad was gone again. I had a faint memory of his holding me as we both slept, but he hadn’t awakened me and he hadn’t touched me otherwise. I dressed quickly determined to find him, but his pattern was nowhere in the house, so I went to the kitchen instead to find Gilor.
“Where has Tammad gone?” I asked as soon as I saw her. She was patiently stirring a big kettle of something and didn’t answer immediately.
“The denday has gone about his business,” she finally said. “He has instructed me that you are to rest this day, eat well, and be given no work. For one who cares nothing for you, he is indeed generous.”
“Have you never been in error?” I asked defensively “He keeps close to himself and does not allow his feelings to reach me, but now the truth is known to me. Gilor, what may I do for him?”
“You may obey him.” She laughed, looking over at me with happiness in her eyes. “You are to eat, rest, and do no work.”
“But I wish to do something for him!” I protested. “Is there no plate to carry, no haddin to be washed, no—”
I broke off and closed my eyes, feeling the meager list of useless, menial chores echo and ache inside of me. There was nothing I could do for him that other women couldn’t do ten times better. I was still useless, and couldn’t imagine why he would want me.
“Do not let sadness touch you,” Gilor said gently and compassionately, coming over to put her arm around me. “That he cares for you is the telling point. All else may be easily seen to and learned by one who is willing. Are you now willing?”
I looked at her, understanding that my “cooperative” assistance of the day before hadn’t fooled her, then nodded my head. I might be left with no unburned skin on my hands, but I’d do my damnedest to learn.
“Good,” she said and patted my shoulder. “I shall be pleased to teach you that which you must know the moment Tammad gives his permission.
“This day you must eat and rest, therefore shall you take a bowl and begin to do so.”
She dippered out a bowlful of thick whatever and handed it to me, and I could see there was no sense in arguing with her. She was not about to disobey Tammad, and her mind was firm. I took the bowl glumly, used the small scoop —and felt my eyebrows rise at the taste. It was coarse and gritty, but it had a light, sweet flavor unlike anything I’d ever eaten. I emptied the bowl quickly, but had it taken firmly out of my hands when I tried to clean it. Gilor was annoyed, and I was banished from the kitchen.
I wandered around for a while, bored by total inactivity, then went outside. My seetar waited anxiously at the corral gate, and I hastened to assure her that I was all right. She half-sensed my still twisting emotions and snorted dubiously, but calmed down enough to lie in the sunny grass where I could sit too and lean against her. I relaxed in the sun with partially closed eyes, trying to arrange my thinking into something resembling lucidity. When Tammad’s male came over hesitantly, I stroked the nose he put in my lap without really seeing it.
I spent the rest of the day with the seetarr and there wasn’t a sign of Tammad. I tried to go with the other women when they left for the river, but one of the l’lendaa marched me firmly back into the house. The denday had left word that I wasn’t to go to the river, and there was no arguing them out of it. I managed to avoid insulting anyone, but I was left with such a sour mood that I took some meat to nibble on and went back to the seetarr. For the rest of the afternoon I wondered why everyone else found it so easy obeying the denday, while I always had such difficulty. Maybe it was a matter of point of view.
At sundown I went back to the house, knowing in advance that Tammad hadn’t yet returned. Gilor wrinkled her nose when I got within sniffing distance, and immediately sent for the large wooden tub. I didn’t want a bath just then, but I got one anyway, as well as a lecture on what a man dislikes in a woman. As the strong smell of seetar was high on the list of dislikes, Gilor was not about to let me hurt my own cause.
After I was dry brushed, and into clean clothes, I was allowed to eat. I crouched near one of the sputtering kitchen torches, eating mechanically and staring out into the night. It was quiet and peaceful outside, warm and comfortable inside, and not much different from Central. Oh, there were a lot of broad differences, but specific items like sky and trees and food and shelter were all the same. It was not difficult thinking myself home.
When the meal was finished, Gilor came by to take the plate and tell me it was time to sleep. I flatly refused to budge from the spot until Tammad got back, and she just shrugged and walked away. Five minutes later Bollan took her place, and there was no refusing with him. He might have been older than most of the other men I’d seen, but he was still straight and tall, and he was still l’lenda. He escorted me to Tammad’s sleeping room, waited with folded arms until I’d undressed, then quietly shut the door.
I lay in the furs, determined to stay awake this time until Tammad came back, and I wasn’t sleepy enough to lose control. I waited half the night, but he never did show up.